I think it's time to join and stop lurking..hello everyone

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I think it's time to join and stop lurking..hello everyone
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 8:49pm

Sort of scared to do this, but been lurking for awhile and really need some support because I think I'm over my head with this A and can't tell anyone in real life right now.

Having an A (physical and emotional) with a guy who I was friends with for two years before A started...sexual tension/things like that were always there but the actual affair started last winter. Anyway, as of May I moved away (due to work, school ending, etc.) so we are now three hours apart.

He's spending the summer in a foreign country (dont want to say which one, it's not super-industralizied/doesn't have great Internet acces) but have been continually emailing/continuing the emotional affair, though the e-mailing on his side is pretty sporadic though when he does e-mail he seems enthusiastic.

The catch is he's with his long-term, live-in GF, and he's definitely said enough negative things about her (not too much, but tidbits here and there) that make me want to scream, "regardless of whether you and me end up together or not, leave her!" But maybe its not that bad...we all know that men who are married/attached to a woman will stay with that women in spite of all these things...one thing I've learned is that in some ways it seems like men are so much more inclined to stay in bad relationships where women will have affairs to leave, but I digress.

Let's just say this guy is the master of mixed signals..while I wear my heart on my sleeve but have been getting better at it. And let's just say I am in deep enough that i would considering leaving my H for this guy (H has lots of anger problems, not that this justifies it, but was thinking about leaving even before the A started. Am begging H for counseling...and that's another reason I'm so torn...with or without the A I would be debating leaving my husband and this just makes it a thousand times worse.

So basically, my A is now back in the country and three hours away, and has two big 'tests' to pass to see if this is a long-term thing or if he was just messing with me/using me. The part that will hurt the most if he is just messing with me is that a). we were pretty good friends for two years before this all started, and he knows i am sensitive, and wear my heart on my sleeve and b) i specifically told him if he is just looking for sex or a short-term fling he needs to leave me alone. and of course, he said he wasn't lol, what else was he going to say? but he's said some fairly adoring things about me (no i love you's or anything like that but he told me that we were "dating") that make me want to believe him. not trying to play the victim, because it takes two to tango, but i am younger than him, married, and was in a much more weaker/vulnerable place emotionally than him when the A started, and I feel like he definitely he knew that, and it will hurt me forever if in the end he has had his fun and moved on.

So anyway, the last day we physically saw each other was sooo awkward, no intense goodbyes (we usually kiss goodbye when left my apartment) nothing like that. I was trying to "be strong" which was why I was acting weird that day, but I couldn't figure out what his deal was. He told me when he gets back in the country since we are only three hours apart, he will try to visit, so last week I e-mailed him if I was visiting and he said no, gave a lot of excuses, all of which seemed pretty believable.

Another test is that he has the option, come next May, of living in this foreign country with his GF for a year (she is in a school program that requires her to go abroad that year). To me, that seems like the perfect excuse to break up with someone...oh, she has to go abroad, etc. etc) If that's the case, then I know we certainly have no future. So anyway, I am the master of reading too much into things, and obviously I am worried that being on this 2 month trip with his GF will cause them to recconnect, while things with my H are worse than ever before. So I was creeping on his FB, and I saw that one of the people he met while abroad wrote on his wall "See you next summer!" which led me to think, sh*t, he's already committed to going there next year. It's totally over." But I know that's something a 13-year-old girl would do, jump to conclusions like that, but that's how messed up I am over this guy. But anyway, until I hear the answer directly out of his mouth, I have no idea what his plans are.

So right now, that's my story...always hard when your marriage would be failing with out without the A. You ladies all seem awesome, so I just wanted to share my story and stop lurking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010

Hi!  I'm glad you finally posted.  Your story does sound very complicated.  I think it is really good that you have the "tests" to get some sort of gauge of where he is in this A.  I definitely think it should give you some clearer idea of of how serious he is about you.  You will have to keep us updated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Welcome to the board CC! Post away! I hope things go in your favor, hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006

Not one of the ladies, but I am happy to throw in my male two cents.

One of the great truisms of The Affair is that the emotional involvement that seems so real and so right would easily dissipate if you were to actually get involved with this guy.  Your AP does not, at least in how you describe, seem to be one seeking to leave his GF (and why hasn't he married?), or wanting to sweep you off your feet and take the relationship to the next level.  The absolute worst thing about affairs is that, in almost all cases, commitment is simply off the table.  For you to expect anything from this guy speaks to, yes, your rather romanticized view of this relationship.  Don't get caught in the trap of thinking that there is any "forever" about this.  Both you and him are already in committed and long-term arrangements, and before you might decide to do anything, you would need to work out the eventual divorce from your husband, take some time to get over that, and then, maybe then if AP is still around, perhaps the path to happiness would come.  I know there are stories of people here who met in an affair, managed to get out of their relationships, and then moved onto a successful life together, but that is the 1%.

And let's not forget, you have long-distance in your way too!!

My advice would be to look at this affair as your temporary emotional safety-valve.  Compartmentalize (a necessary affair rationalizing act) the experience as best you can.  But work to resolve your marriage.  You'll feel better, less tense, and more in control.  See the A for what it really is, and try not to think about "future."


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008

just curious, Lazy -

is 1% an actual statistic or a guessitimate of how often affair partners succeed?

just wondering since Rick Sanford is now engaged to his AP.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006

Once upon a time, it was a pretty good estimate.  I'm not sure if it still is.  My experience here has mostly mirrored that statistic, tho.  Most affairs do not turn into long-lasting, married relationships.