I think i've sussed him out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
I think i've sussed him out...
18
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 4:37pm
It's taken a while...14 months actually, i'm obviously a bit slow ;-) Things between us just get better and better, we've got so close these past couple of weeks. We spent the evening together one night last week and, we didn't end up having sex, in fact we cuddled up all evening. We both said it was one of the best nights we'd had together.
This past weekend he's struggled, I know he has. He was texting how much he missed me, how all he wanted to do was cuddle me and kiss me, how much he loves me etc.
Today...totally different, defenses are up. In fact he admitted he 'had to have a word with himself because he acted so wet and pathetic this weekend.'
Do any of you see this pattern with your AP's? It annoys me that at times he struggles to say what he feels but now I just let him get on with it now, it doesn't phase me like it used to. I see the guard go up and I back off a little.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2009
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 5:27pm
I'm lucky because my AP never blows hot and cold with me, it's one of the thing I love about him his honesty and openness about his feelings.
That aside I think you are handling it the right way, not taking it personally (it's his issue not yours) and backing off a bit.
Kat xx
katuk
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 5:45pm

I agree with Katuk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 5:59pm

You're not slow, this is not normal behavior, you would have to go through this a lot of times to get used to it and know that it doesn't mean that he's playing with you.....

I haven't been with my AP at the same time as his W yet, but his behaviour has up until now been consistent, always "hot". He's with her now and his emails, while not that affectionate, always express that he misses and loves me and that supposedly nothing will ever change for him. We'll have to see once he's with both of us here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 6:16pm
Titch, he is probably afraid that you will ask for more that is why he is pulling back. He opened up and let you see how he feels, thought about where that could evolve to, and then went out of his way to take it back. I think his actions were very obvious in showing his fear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
Tue, 03-20-2012 - 1:40am
What kind of fear? Fear that Titchy will ask for more than he can give? Fear that his feelings will get out of hand? I'm asking because my AP is doing the exact same thing
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Tue, 03-20-2012 - 7:38am
Fear of his own feelings, trying to keep them at a acceptable level in order to balance between home and A.
Fear that exposing his feelings will lead to you wanting more. An affair is a situation where the growth in a relationship has no where to go. The boundaries are married, staying marries so we have to keep things in perspective. One of the problems is, us women usually become very emotional and look at the dream of it all, so the man digs in to keep things more realistic. Ever have your AP say we need to slow down, relax and enjoy what we have? To me these comments say, I love what we have, let's keep it like it is, because where else can it go.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
Tue, 03-20-2012 - 9:43am
You're so right, Sunny....

Yes, he has said often: 'we need to slow down, enjoy what we have' and 'it's not working... 'this' "
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Tue, 03-20-2012 - 11:32am

sunny, you are right as always.

My AP does say enjoy what you have, now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Tue, 03-20-2012 - 11:33am

The ' fear' most likely is : he is in this for fun and excitement and not for emotional bonding etc . When he sees that happening, he pulls back for it to settle down on your end and comes back again for the thrill of it again. So he fears that this fun relationship is getting serious and he doesnt want any of that .

Not all AP's are in for thrill / excitement

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Tue, 03-20-2012 - 12:45pm

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