I thought the affair would complete me
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| Fri, 10-02-2009 - 10:51pm |
Wow I had it all wrong... I thought I could get what I am missing from my marriage from my wondeful AP ( affair partner ) I think thats it Im new here with abreviations. I thought my life would be more complete. The problem is I fell in love with him , he is wonderful, honest and has ended his marriage because he is wanting happiness. Now by knowing this wonderful man who was suppose to fill in the gaps I am even less attracted to my husband infact I cannot be intimate with him at all. It was rare anyway. I love him dearly as a brother but now that I have had a taste of passion with steaming not eye contact my 18 yr old marriage with children is so hard to tolerate. In my perfect world I wish I could handle it and just live like roomates with hubby. Impossible... even more impossible to ever consider walking away from something so special as my new friend. For example we went on a hike up a mountian and made love under the sunset. Hubby doesnt have it in him and is incapable of making me feel like I do with my ap. I couldnt fake it any longer so we have separated . He is begging me daily crying trying everything. I cannot walk away from my ap it feels to good . Hubby and I have had distance between us for a yr.. not much of a sex life . Now I cant even do it with him. There is a huge difference. How important is sex in a relationship ? Leaving convience to follow my heart does that make sense ? I sm so confused. I posted below but forgot the other details I mentioned above.

Hi livlafluv2009,
I had to reply to you because your story is very close to mine, I'm very sorry for what you are going through right now.
I too, was 20 when I got married, and I left my H when I was 45. You see, I did make the choice that you are thinking of making. I wasn't attracted to my husband physically for most of our M, although I loved him dearly. As you say, he'd become like a beloved brother. That's not to say that I wasn't unhappy...at least, I didn't think I was unhappy (I always felt that sex just wasn't that essential to me). Boy, was I wrong! I knew, from the very first moment my AP/BF hit on me, that something big was going to happen. I fell in love with him before we ever slept together, and the connection we both felt once we did...well, it was incredible. I also knew that I could not stay in my sexless marriage anymore. Like a coward, I made sure I was caught...and although I say I left...my H was actually the one who left me. Unlike your H, after the initial shock and disbelief (it was pretty bad for a month or so) he didn't whine or cry or beg. I think
18 years with your AP and you will feel the same way as you do with your husband. Its reality. If you leave your husband for your AP, you will still have to deal with kids (unless you plan on giving them up)bills, and other REAL LIFE stuff
Definitely have to agree with Jessie. I feel sad when I see women comparing their AP of a short time to their M of a long time. It just can never be the same. Yes, you can have passion, romance and caring in a long term M, but you have to work at keeping those alive, unlike in a new romance where it is so easy and exciting. Your AP of course will hike up a mountain and make love at sunset. Will he in 18 years? We all become roommates at some point. What you do with that in your R is up to both of you.
The danger of an A is that your H will always suffer in comparison. How could he not? You have this new, mysterious person who seems enthralled with you, paying 100% attention to you, and then you have a spouse who is distracted by normal life. Having someone so interested in you is a tremendous high. Don't we all want that?
I know some people who have married their APs and are very happy. The common ingredient is that these women left their marriages for themselves, not for their AP or the chance of a future with them. Think about leaving your M for good, and then having your AP say he didn't want an R IRL. How would that feel? Would you be OK with that?
As to your dilemma, all I can say is don't go back to your H out of guilt. Rest assured he will survive. He deserves to have someone who loves him 100%--only go back if you are willing to try this. In order to do this you would have to stop the A. Can you do this? If you can't, don't go back.
I ended my A so that I could decide if I wanted to stay in my M or not. It was the only way I could be sure I was trying everything. Unfortunately the M did not survive. I am on my own, but I know in my heart I did the right thing. Good luck.
Hi Jessie,
I just want to say that A's arent the only fantasy relationships. When two single people date it's fantasy,
Hi! Here's my 2cents worth...
I have to agree with Jessie also. Face it that 18 years day in, day out raising the kids hearing him snore etc can get very boring.
The attraction you feel is chemical and that will fade with your AP down the road. I am curious to know, when you first met your H did you feel that SPARK with him? Were you attracted? Can you get that back?
Your H might be boring, but is a sure thing. AP might be exciting, but it will be up and down... I prefer my H (sure and steady and willing to please) over ANY sexual attraction that is exciting.
Dear Doubtingmyself,