I thought I was experienced in this ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
I thought I was experienced in this ....
27
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 6:56pm

Well, greetings MAS board -- I'm not sure how many men post on this board, but I can't talk to a soul about my A so here goes ...

Just as background, I'm a 37 year old married father of two. I've been married almost 8 years now. I have a wife and sons that I dearly love, but over the past couple of years I have been craving more in the bedroom and, more recently, a bit more intimacy.

I was first becoming disappointed with my sex life about 3-4 years ago. I tried to talk to my wife about it, but seemed to get either brushed or laughed off. For a while I thought I was abnormal, a pervert, but after reading some of the iVillage sexual discussions, I realized this was not the case. All sorts of normal, everyday couples do some pretty wild stuff. This got me intrigued .... I felt like I could have these desires and still be normal.

About 3 years ago I finally took the plunge and had an affair ... I had never slept with another woman other than my wife, and couldn't contain my curiosity about what else might be out there. After the first experience, I was overwhelmed with guilt -- but apparently not that much guilt, because I went back to the same woman for more.

Over the next couple of years, I had some random experiences with two or three other women and chatted online with several more. Some of these experiences were good, some were bad. I was always very careful, both not to get caught and against STDs. None of these women ever knew my real name, where I really lived, or my real job.

Fast forward till a couple of months ago. In prior years I had briefly used an affair/dating web site (not sure if I can name the name due to TOS), and decided to take another look. There I met a cute woman, about my age, going through a divorce. We chatted on IM for quite a while and really hit it off. At first I was very hesitant to meet, because she lived nearby, and for "safety" reasons I previously liked to have APs at more of a distance. Anyway, the sex has been wonderful -- nothing like anything I've experienced. I have a desire to please her more than I've ever had with any other woman. She is also eager to please me, which is the sexiest thing I've ever experienced. I will admit: by society's standards, she is not as attractive as other women I've been with. She's not as attractive as my wife. But the gusto she brings to the bedroom is far sexier than looks could ever be.

We've been "together" for a while now, and meet maybe twice a week ... but chat online almost every day. We have both been clear from the start that we are not in this to change our situations. She knows I don't want to leave my wife, and I know that she has been with other men recently and is enjoying the single life. My problem is that I have become more emotionally attached to her than any other AP I have had. She truly is a friend, and I share with her things that I've never shared with anyone before. I get jealous when I hear about the people she's gone out with, or guys she's been with. Maybe this is a typical "emotional" affair, if so, it's very new to me.

Seriously, I have not felt this way about a woman in a long, long time. I cannot help but get a huge smile on my face when I see her log on to chat. I'm thinking about her all the time. I'm wanting to take her on trips and just hang out in a non-sexual way.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here .... I have no idea how long these feelings will last .... I guess just want to know that others are going through similar situations.

Can anyone just help me figure out what I'm feeling?

Many thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 10:58pm

Welcome to MAS mbbreastlover... Your moniker TOTALLY cracks me up, but, hey, you're honest about what you like :)


Obviously if you read around here, you're not alone in your experience. We just usually hear more from the women-folk when it comes to letting emotions run amok in an A and ending up very attached.


It's definitely a peril of A's, and I think many get into them thinking they'll have some fun and that'll be it -- only to be surprised when something else occurs, i.e. a strong emotional attachment which is only strengthened by physical contact on top.


You said you've been with the OW for awhile...how long is that? The reason I ask is because we all go through that new-relationship euphoria where we tend to obsess, but relationships progress past that stage. That said, A's can get hung in that stage for longer than usual b/c of lack of contact, but it sounds like you two see each other pretty regularly. Maybe the excitement of the forbidden keeps you there...would you still feel so strongly for her if it was an out-in-the-open relationship?


You even said you have no idea how long these feelings will last. One of two things will happen, so be careful not to make any hasty decisions. 1) You continue nurturing those feelings and they grow...maybe need to think about how that affects your situation or 2) it peters out and dies a natural death. Then there is the wild card of your W finding out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 1:27am

Hi, and welcome to MAS!


You sound like my AP in the first six months of our A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 7:42am

"A's where one partner is single do seem to have particular challenges around here"


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:51am

Thanks very much for your responses ... I know the fact that she is single complicates things. We were both very up front when this started - this was to be a no-strings deal. She is definitely enjoying the single life, and has no desire to change that. I hadve no desire to change things either ... but now I shudder to think about how I would feel if I did not have children.

The funny thing is, we've only known each other for a couple of months at most. I know about her friends, but have never met them. She has never met any of my friends. From the outside, it sounds like one of these "I'm head over heels but don't know anything about the other person" deals. At the same time, she tells me things she doesn't share with many other people, and she knows things about me that I haven't told a soul about.

And, I do know that if she ever decides to break things off, it's going to hurt. I'm trying to figure out whether I should nip this thing in the bud, or try to work for that "balance" that justlivin mentioned (obviously harder, given our proximity).

Again, thanks for your responses! I'd love to hear any other opinions out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 9:40am

Welcome to MAS Mr.! I also like your moniker. :-)

I don't know if I can give any other advice that hasn't already been given. There are a couple of guys around here who may chime in.

Since your A is so new, it's natural to have the infatuated feelings you describe. One can get carried away during that phase so just hold on LOL.

Even though your AP (affair partner) is single, it sounds as though your R is fine for her right now. That could change, but for now she likes being single so an A might be just what she wants, rather than a full on relationship.

Nice to meet you, and hope to see you posting around. A guy's POV is always highly appreciated around here. :)

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 9:46am

Thanks very much lexione -- it's great to be here and just to know that others (both men and women) are going through the same thing. I greatly appreciate all your help.

And, BTW, my moniker comes from my days of posting on the more sex-oriented boards ... that's just my little fetish :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 12:20pm
And, just to follow up on your other comment, I think/hope that these intense feelings are part of the "newness" and that the obsessive infatuation will fade ... our schedules are changing next week and we will not be able to chat or see each other as much, so we'll see what happens there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 1:25pm

Lol ....they may fade Mrbreastlover (lol absolutely love it!) However, generally I don't think they do for most of us when there is a genuine chemistry and effortless connection.
The limitations go a long way to keeping it all alive too.

The sort of connection you describe triggers the potential fulfillment of deep, long put away desires. Desires that often we didn't even know we had because it took another person to awaken them and allow us to experience them. Its unique to the two of you I believe. That feeling of being connected to someone so deeply becomes something ecrutiatingly difficult to let go of ...lol just read my recent posts!! I'm not talking about sex either, I'm talking about sustinence for the soul ;-) I don't do the soul mates stuff but connections that reach that deeply into us are incredibly rare. Living without it once you've tasted it is well, like living the rest of your life without seasoned food when you've previously enjoyed the hot, spicey, herby sexy stuff! :-O Add a great sexual chemistry to that and BOOM !...you are doomed! ;-) lol

Good luck on this very spectacular ride Breastie! Oh and welcome! ...methinks we women are soooo going to be all over you like a rash! Do you know how thin on the ground men are here!? Woohooo ...Iggy, get this man a chocolate! Jane, where are you?! ....pass him a beer! I'll tie him to the chair! :-P Lol

Welcome to the deep end ;-)

Bird

Oh and I forgot ...Lexi says men can only come here in their underpants :-)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 1:49pm

"Oh and I forgot ...Lexi says men can only come here in their underpants :-)))"

I DO NOT LOL! I think someone is a little, ummm, "hungry" today LOL?

Hey there are places at IVillage for that. Try the "Make him moan" board (that has a terrific male cl - treat him with RESPECT however) or the "Sexual fantasies" or the "sexual taboos" board... hmmm... maybe I can look through those places on this hot afternoon myself... LOL.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 2:20pm

Well, thanks very much songbird - glad I can add some variety to this board.

I think there is some genuine chemistry here ... but it's still to early to tell if this is just something "different" or if these butterflies are actually something stronger.

In any event, I gladly accept the chocolate and beer ... and I'm shedding my clothes now ;)

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