I thought I was experienced in this ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
I thought I was experienced in this ....
27
Mon, 08-16-2010 - 6:56pm

Well, greetings MAS board -- I'm not sure how many men post on this board, but I can't talk to a soul about my A so here goes ...

Just as background, I'm a 37 year old married father of two. I've been married almost 8 years now. I have a wife and sons that I dearly love, but over the past couple of years I have been craving more in the bedroom and, more recently, a bit more intimacy.

I was first becoming disappointed with my sex life about 3-4 years ago. I tried to talk to my wife about it, but seemed to get either brushed or laughed off. For a while I thought I was abnormal, a pervert, but after reading some of the iVillage sexual discussions, I realized this was not the case. All sorts of normal, everyday couples do some pretty wild stuff. This got me intrigued .... I felt like I could have these desires and still be normal.

About 3 years ago I finally took the plunge and had an affair ... I had never slept with another woman other than my wife, and couldn't contain my curiosity about what else might be out there. After the first experience, I was overwhelmed with guilt -- but apparently not that much guilt, because I went back to the same woman for more.

Over the next couple of years, I had some random experiences with two or three other women and chatted online with several more. Some of these experiences were good, some were bad. I was always very careful, both not to get caught and against STDs. None of these women ever knew my real name, where I really lived, or my real job.

Fast forward till a couple of months ago. In prior years I had briefly used an affair/dating web site (not sure if I can name the name due to TOS), and decided to take another look. There I met a cute woman, about my age, going through a divorce. We chatted on IM for quite a while and really hit it off. At first I was very hesitant to meet, because she lived nearby, and for "safety" reasons I previously liked to have APs at more of a distance. Anyway, the sex has been wonderful -- nothing like anything I've experienced. I have a desire to please her more than I've ever had with any other woman. She is also eager to please me, which is the sexiest thing I've ever experienced. I will admit: by society's standards, she is not as attractive as other women I've been with. She's not as attractive as my wife. But the gusto she brings to the bedroom is far sexier than looks could ever be.

We've been "together" for a while now, and meet maybe twice a week ... but chat online almost every day. We have both been clear from the start that we are not in this to change our situations. She knows I don't want to leave my wife, and I know that she has been with other men recently and is enjoying the single life. My problem is that I have become more emotionally attached to her than any other AP I have had. She truly is a friend, and I share with her things that I've never shared with anyone before. I get jealous when I hear about the people she's gone out with, or guys she's been with. Maybe this is a typical "emotional" affair, if so, it's very new to me.

Seriously, I have not felt this way about a woman in a long, long time. I cannot help but get a huge smile on my face when I see her log on to chat. I'm thinking about her all the time. I'm wanting to take her on trips and just hang out in a non-sexual way.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here .... I have no idea how long these feelings will last .... I guess just want to know that others are going through similar situations.

Can anyone just help me figure out what I'm feeling?

Many thanks

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 2:22pm
"Can I ask (as a man) what was it about that deep conversation that obviously made the whole thing a bit more real for you?

Your comments are interesting because from a woman's perspective, its those deep and meaningfull convo's that we love and make us develop even stronger feelings for the man.


Im interested why it almost dod the opposite for you."


I was thinking the EXACT same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 2:36pm

Hi and welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 1:38am

---"I say that I am OK with things when I am not. I don't like to look needy or weak... If she does show signs of needing you, well, then, just be aware of that. You can do what most of our AP's do---ignore it and keep plugging along (pathetic lol here), or you can do whatever else appeals to you. Just know that feelings can change so quickly in an A."

You encapsulated in those words so much of how many of us women feel and how so many AP (male) respond. It is true we don't always want to show ourselves as vulnerable and weak and so many of us put up a strong front.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 4:12am

Well, you are a man but you are a human, and you have developed feelings for this woman. The way you were having affairs, sooner or later you were going to hit it off with a woman on an emotional level.


You are having all the 'boy meets girl' issues that occur at age 18, but with the complication of being a married man with kids. It's tough without the complications, but with them.......well, i know how that feels.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 5:37am
oh goodness! u r cute and sweet and adorable! i wish i knew my AP thought of me the way u do of your AP. the emotions u r feeling r indeed akin to the rush of a new thrill, contact, high. she is your new drug. enjoy the pleasure, thank her for being in your life. hopefully you will learn something from her about yourself (that part will take time) but i don't think u should overanalyze this thing. have fun, enjoy her company for as long as she will put up with your married self. if your first duty is to your children and family then always keep that in mind. remind yourself that you are not looking to change things on the homefront, tell yourself and her that often. then go read about relationships/endorphin highs and the addict-like effects of being in lust! it does feel good to feel these things again, for sure, especially if u have had a stagnant marriage, this i understand. good luck with it all. i hope u found some good advice here. now i should ask u a few questions,
when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 7:40pm

LMAO Jane :-) ...now you know that was because you were in charge of handcuffs and ran off with the keys! ;-) ....bad girl! LOL ...poor poor man!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 12:57pm

Thanks marie --

That was very uplifting. I think everyone deserves an update since it's been a while, plus there have been several changes.

We were able to spend quite a bit of time together on Friday night and it was wonderful. We can talk to each other about anything. We just let our guard down in front of each other; it's something I haven't experienced in a long, long time. Is it just infatuation? I don't know. We're at the one-month mark in our relationship, but since we only get to see each other randomly maybe those feelings will last longer.

Anyway, after our Friday meeting we got to see each other for just a little bit on Saturday. She opened up to me even more ... said that even though she's enjoying the single life, she's never felt anything like this before. She said she's been on the verge of telling me that we shouldn't see each other anymore, that we shouldn't keep going because it will hurt more when it's over -- but that she isn't ready for it to be over. I told her I felt the same way. She said that there are lots of things she needs to tell me at our next major talk, but that she needs to sort them out ... she said she's afraid it will mess things up if she tells me. I told her that I have lots of things I want to tell her to ... but that I want to know whatever is on her mind. She has said that she wants to stay with me, but that she just needs to tell me where she stands with her feelings. So, we are going to have a big talk this week and get it all out there. I'll let everyone know how it goes.

Pages