I thought it was bliss till..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
I thought it was bliss till..........
15
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 8:27am
I had lunch with MM yesterday . Was awesome, we spent about 3 hrs just sitting and talking and laughing. Hes very easy to be with and all. Made plans to meet again next week. It was amazing! During our conversation we mentioned if there were other people we talked to or planned on meeting. We both said no. Well I meant it but apparently he didnt, cause one of my girlfriends belongs to the online personal that I do(AFF) and he wrote her and wants to get to know her. Blah Blah Blah. Well imagine my surprise. So now Im like very down and I thought maybe I had something to look foward to in life. I dont know what to do, I want to continue seeing him again, but I also dont want to be lied to. He could have been honest with me, that would have been ok Not like this has been a long time thing and all, it just started. To find out this way kinda blows that whole bliss thing right out of the water! Any suggestions? thanks vix..

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:43pm
Hi Vixen,

I know exactly what you mean about being honest. But really, how can we expect honesty from a dishonest relationship, realistically speaking. Here goes: This is the very first (& last) EMA I have been in and it's over for all intents and purposes. Started out as FWOBs turned FWBs back to FWOBs. In the early stages MM and I were great friends and he was very honest about things, even telling me that he didn't know why he did what he did (flirt, etc.). He was being very honest and often wondered why he "ventured" out. As things progressed and the "benefits" kicked in of course I asked if he was seeing others to which he said no, which was true (for a while, at least). In time I felt he was out frolicking around and had this gut feeling, however, he insisted that I was the only woman he's with, other than his W. I let him know that I just wanted him to be honest. At least then I could make a decision if I wanted him to be "just friends" or want him to be a "side f***" to which I opted for the "just friends". I feel that I can't very well expect him to be "faithful" to me when he's not faithful to his W, whom he made a solemn commitment to, not even mentioning his kids and family life. I stepped back from the EMA thing altogether and we've just been friends for the most part. I told him that if I feel this way then his W who lives w/ him must feel it too and I cautioned him that he's about to lose a W that he loves, as well as a friend. Long story short, his W put him out and he's calling me telling me how much it hurts what she's doing and how can he get her back, yada yada yada. We really are friends now and I wish the best for him and his lying ass. I told him to give her some space. Of course, he's not listening. Now she really wants out and he's trying to find out if she's involved w/ another man. I told him that it really doesn't make any difference anymore and that it's a little too late.

So there you have it. We're still friends (somewhat) but I really don't want to be bothered w/ people who lie, (even tho I've lied to my H). It sound strange, but MM didn't have to lie to me bc we would've still remained close friends had he been honest about it. I laid out to MM what I wanted out of the EMA, someone who was also M and who wanted a "friend" (singular), with or without benefits, to talk to, to laugh with and who wanted the same. It was that (for a while) and MM did rescue me from the depths of my despair, at least that's how it "felt" at the time as I was dealing w/ an emotionally and verbally abusive H and here comes MM talking that talk and I just melted like butter.

So Vixen, one thing you know is that there are a LOT of MMs out there who are looking for variety and some new *%*#&! Then there are MMs who just need a good friend bc his R w/ his W has deteriorated and the friendship is no longer there. That's what I wanted out of the EMA (after it had started and I assessed things). BTW, MM pursued me and I resisted w/ everything I had which in hindsight wasn't much back then considering the emotional mess I was in. So now I'm working on rebuilding myself first and, if possible, my M next. At this point, I'm so ready to omit men from my life altogether. I'm learning more about EMAs and why they happen and how it truly speaks volumes for those in them and I'm trying to find that out, what it says about me and who I am.

Take care & erase this man from your heart. Be glad it didn't last as long as some of us here and move on. Don't waste energy being mad, he isn't expending any energy on you! Move on and put this behind you.

Luvin

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 7:09am
I Vix. Friend has experienced a lot you can learn from. From your message, you state that yours is a marriage you do not want to participate in. I'm curious...why are you still in something you don't want to participate in??? Life is full of options, why did you pick the option of an A over the option of D if you don't want to participate in your M? And if you opt for an A, why get mad over dishonesty? It would almost appear as a just dessert. I understand that you are saying the whole point is that the two of you agreed to be honest with each other, but if you can't be honest in your own primary relationships, don't expect to get it in a secondary one, regardless of what others may tell you. You are walking talking proof that honesty in this sort of relationsip is highly unlikely and EXTREMELY rare. Of course others will say they have a relationship with their OM that is honest, but how can they really be sure??? As Free put it in another message, "does one have spy cams all around their OM's/OW's house to really know what is going on?

Your whole dilemma reminds me of another discussion called "Once a Cheat Always A Cheat?" I really think that many people (not ALL) cheat due to allure of deceiving, "playing", having the forbidden fruit, etc. That fact that the MM in this scenario lied, when it was not necessary, adds support to that theory (I think).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 9:31am
you both have very good points . And I hear what your saying. And I do agree with all of you . But its hard to be objective. But when people point it out like here, it makes sence. I guess I will have some decisions to make.. I do like this MM and it is new and maybe I should dump his ass or maybe just take it for what its worth cause Im tired of being alone ? I chose to stay in my marriage instead of opting for D because I have kids that would not have the life they are acustomed to if I were to be a single parent. Its not right and I never wished it to be this way ,but we just co exisit. We dont talk any more and we just go thru the motions. So right or wrong this is my life , for now. Vix
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 12:31am
Vixen,

I know exactly how you feel. Go ahead and continue seeing MM, but know in the forefront of your mind how HE views things. Enjoy the fun and you'll know when the heartache is not worth the fun & excitement and when to step back. Just don't let your heart get too involved w/ this man, which is easier said than done. Even tho EMA is over in my case, I still have feelings for MM. I tried to not let my heart get involved, but it did and when I tried to continue things it left me feeling too vulnerable than I was comfortable with. If I was able to pull it off believe me I would. I love the passion, excitement, the allure of it all, but it wasn't worth it for me.

Hope this helps.

Hugs

Luvin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 8:41pm
Vix,

If you are out there, one more question...in addition to belonging to an online personal agency and venting about MM's lying on this board, what else have you done to try to improve your situation in your M? It sounds like your kids are priority to you. If you really don't have the commitment to work on your relationship with your husband, have you looked into other resources that will show you how to maintain the quality of life your children are used to if you choose to divorce? There are many situations out there where the parents are divorce, because it is the right decision for them, but they made sure the kids were taken care of from all angles. There are sites and support groups on ivillage as well that may help you repair your marriage, or inform you of how you and kids can keep standard of living if divorce is the right option for you.

One way your kids (and you) will be exposed to a life you are not accustomed to is if you get caught having an affair. Belonging to such a dating agency where you met MM would not look good for you if H gets suspicious.

Pages