I thought this is what I wanted.......
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| Thu, 03-11-2010 - 5:13pm |
I want to apologize ahead of time because I have a feeling this is going to be looooooong......Sorry
I am a married women (16 yrs/3 kids ages 16-9). We have been together since we were 14 yrs old. I have never been with another man nor every thought of being with one until now. I am in love with my husband. He is an awesome man. I guess I just wanted more. Here is my story.
I signed up on a website that focused on extra-martial affairs. I got a lot of hits but nothing I was interested in until a single man who lived in my city flirted with me. I responded to his flirt and before you know it we were emailing each other and finally exchanged phone numbers. He is single and 10 yrs older than me. In just a matter of a week I decided to go see him at his house. I know you are probably saying why in the world would I go to a total strangers home. I felt so comfortable with him for some reason. I have met a few men on this site (by email only) and none of them made me feel this way at all so I took the chance. I ended up going over after work on a friday evening. We talked and had a few drinks and talked some more and sure enough we started making out. I was soooooo nervous since I had never ever done this before. We ended up having sex. We connected so well that I was just amazed how good it felt. I did not want to leave nor did he want me to leave. He had to leave out of town and I had to get home as I had told my husband that I was going out with some friends. He texted me next morning telling me how great I was and so on and so forth. This went on the next two days. Well Monday comes along and I wanted to see him since he would be going out of town again for two days. So I left work early and spent the afternoon in bed with him. We layed in bed naked having the most outrageous sex I have ever had. We would enjoy each other and then just lay there and talk about so many things. He just got out of a 2 yr relationship that he is still dealing with emotionally. We did this for 4 hours straight. I finally had to leave and say goodbye.
Well it is Thursday today and I haven't heard much of him. He just got back into town yesterday and we have exchanged a few texts here and there but nothing like last week prior to our rendezvous. I asked why I haven't heard much from him and he said he is really busy with work. I can understand that but UGH!!! I feel so used right now. He knew that I was married and we talked so much about what I am missing and he is sooo willing to fill that void for me. I am normally very confident women. I get a lot of compliments for my looks and how young I look. But right now I am not so confident. I wake up thinking of this man and continue to think of him alllll day and night. Every time my phone goes off I just hope it is him.
I really thought I wanted to do this and go with my curiosity but this has me going crazy. Is this normal. What's funny is that I'm the married one who wants to see him everyday and he is the single one who may not be as available. Is this how the affair game is played? Please help!!! Any advice would help.

I am going to tell it to you straight. And the only thing that makes me eligible to do so is because I have been where you are, so I'm not just blowing smoke.
First of all, I don't know if you realize how incredibly reckless it was for you to go to a stranger's home, someone you met over the internet. People have been murdered that way! Lucky for you, this wasn't the case....this time.
That being said, if I were you, I would run like my hair's on fire. I was where you are once. I was married, bored, frustrated, loved my husband but curious, horny, whatever. I stepped out on him for a period of time, he found out about it, we are now divorced. That was about six years ago. It still eats at me to this day, sometimes. I am here to tell you that if you love your husband, and you don't want to risk losing everything you've built together, you will change your cellphone number, shut down your account in your cheating website and change your email address. And you will NEVER contact this guy again. Is he using you? Yea, probably. In the same way you were using him...for excitement, ego-stroking and sexual pleasure. What else, really, can you expect from meeting someone in the manner and through the place that you did....a website for cheating? There's a reason he's on there, you know. Maybe he's not even single. You don't know that ANYTHING he has told you is the truth. Why would you think it was? Because he said so? So what? He doesn't really know you. You don't really know him.
Affairs are smoke and mirrors. Doesn't mean beams of truth don't make their way in, but mostly it's just smoke and mirrors. I'm not judging you...again, been there, done that. But I'm hoping that even a kernel of this gets through to you. Because I can see disaster written all over this thing you're doing. Let the lessons of others' experience show you the way back to sanity and your husband. Trust me on this....keep this up, and you will regret it one day.
In the meantime, keep reading here. It does help.
You're a good writer. Reading your post brought me right to those feelings that I have had in the past! Yes it's normal to be "going crazy" and feeling insecure in an A. I've read those words so many times here, "in all other aspects of my life I'm an independent secure woman yada yada yada but in this affair I'm insecure and weak..." The relationship just seems set up to bring out that side of us.
Sillyme was spot on with her advice. Especially the danger you put yourself in!! OMG, you broke ALL the rules of meeting strangers. You can meet them online or through personal ads or even blind dates (at least those have a "contact person") but they all have the same rules when you meet in person.
Meet in a public place.
Tell someone you trust where you are going and who you are going to meet, and what time they should hear from you when you're done. Maybe even call them midway through the meeting to let them know all is OK - and let the person you're meeting realize that you're "checking in" with someone. (I know, it would be hard for me to come up with someone I could do this with too - I trust no one...)
Do not be alone with the person at all that first time - get a feel for them. Then continue to communicate for awhile and get to know them better before ever being alone with them.
Even with all the precautions, it could still be a very PATIENT bad person, but at least the chances are less.
I wonder if there are serial killers on AM? Who is more vulnerable than a married woman? She has probably told no one where she is going or with who - a guy could, well, get away with murder!
Anyway I'm glad you're OK.
PS I probably broke my own rules here... I met my OM online on a message board. I had read months worth of his posts and felt like I got a feel for who he was. We e-mailed for awhile. One of our mutual cyberfriends DID meet him so I felt like he was OK. I DID meet him at a public place but we did go somewhere alone to talk and laugh afterward. I was lucky too.
You've got a lot of choices. I
I really appreciate both of your replies, I really do.
you are in a tough spot.. surely... yes, all of this is normal..
the sad part is nothing GOOD will come out of this in terms of your marriage.. you will destroy what you've built.. it is only a matter of time.. feel free to read about D-Day stories and the aftermath here..
he is a good guy.. you are a good person.. you've both made a mistake..
it is a mistake that affects only the two of you now.