I told h...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
I told h...
4
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 10:52am
About the one night stand with OM. I don't have a good reason for why. We were fighting yet again and I started crying hysterically and it just kind of came out.

He asked if I spent the night, if I love OM and if I'd seen him again. All three are no's.

He sat there for a minute and then came over by me, gave me a huge hug for the first time in more than a month and said he was sorry. Said he didn't realize how far he had pushed me away and that he's glad I told him. Said he wants to work things out and be the husband I need and make up for all the hurt he's caused.

I'm so confused. What happened between OM and I happened after I asked H for the divorce. It happened after H had moved out, after we were ending things. OM had nothing to do with H and I splitting up. I told H this. Told him that our problems have nothing to do with OM. That OM was an attempt on my part to very selfishly boost my own ego. That it was wrong and inexcusable, but that it didn't change what brought us to the point of asking H for a divorce.

He said he agreed but that he forgave me for it and that if that doesn't proove he loves me enough to work through the other stuff then he doesn't know what could.

I'm just so confused, he's suppose to hate me right now, and I'm suppose to be so grateful that he forgives me. Why isn't that how things are?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: celtic_dreams
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:31am
Celtic,

H doesn't hate you because he does really love you. They say the love can forgive all things no matter how bad they are. Maybe telling him about OM made him realize just how much he loves you and that he could lose you forever. Maybe he didn't realize until that point in time just how much he had hurt you and he honestly wants to try to be a better husband and work out your problems. I know this is nothing but a lot of maybe's, but it just might be the truth.

Good luck!

H&H

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: celtic_dreams
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:33am
Why? Because it would be easier if he did hate you. You did a very brave and courageous thing - and the mature thing, if you ask me - you pointed out the very painful truth...that the affair had nothing to do with the M going sour. That puts the responsibility of it square onto H's shoulders. You had done your part by talking to him about it and ending things before the night with OM happened. So the ball was in his court to provide any positive change that he could and he didn't. So the one night stand took place. And don't beat yourself up about it, sweetie - really, *don't*. If he hated you now because of that, then it would become his responsibility to become the protagonist in the divorce. But since he forgives you, you have to keep your position of the grownup in this and follow through on a very difficult course. And you don't feel relief at the forgiveness because maybe you don't need his forgiveness - or especially want it, even - and it might rankle that now you're in a position where you've got to accept the forgiveness or be worried at how it makes you look that you don't. I think your H is subtley manipulating you and the situation, here, so try to keep your head about you.

Good luck and here are more {{{HUGS}}}

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: celtic_dreams
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 4:15pm
Lucky, its so interesting that you think he might be manipulating me and the situation. One of the main reasons I asked him for a divorce is because he told me that he manipulates me to get me to do what he wants. He says its a good thing because it shows how well he knows me.

I told him its a bad thing because it means I can't trust him.

I have been so lonely. In 10 months of marriage we had sex less than 10 times. Its been more than a month since the last time we had sex. He won't even hug me. I asked him for a hug a few weeks ago and he asked me what I thought I'd done to deserve a hug and wouldn't give me one.

OM made me feel beautiful and desired and wanted. Right or wrong I needed to feel all those things. In the end the sex was terrible, worst I've had in my life, and we haven't spoken since. But for a little while I felt like I hadn't shriveled up into an old maid over the last 4 yrs of my relationship with H. Like a man saw me as something special and beautiful again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: celtic_dreams
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 6:31pm
Hi Celtic,

I would be very cautious of H. As you pointed out, your asking for a D had nothing to do w/OM, so his grandiose "forgiveness" has nothing to do with the D either. If the reasons for your D still stand, then there is nothing for you to reconsider.

Regardless of whether sex w/OM was fabulous or awful, you were reminded that you are beautiful and desireable, and that H was not giving you what you need, no matter how well he thinks he knows you. (And frankly, he's a cretin for even saying how great it is that he can manipulate you that way... but as long as you let him...)

Watch out for yourself. Remember that OM brought some good things into your life even if the end result was not what you had hoped.

take care,

lily