I told his wife...Everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
I told his wife...Everything
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Thu, 09-25-2003 - 10:44am
I haven't posted in quite some time. Just a little refresher..Have been involved in an EMA for 2 years. It was all that I ever thought I wanted. OM has been a friend for almost 20 years and we have both been experiencing our own marital problems. We had an amazing 2 years, we did as much as possible together and shared everything, or so I thought, on this roller coaster ride. I fell deeply, madly in love with this man, and he too fell in love with me. His confessions of love were unbelieveable. I felt like the most important person in his world, besides his son. We have been through an awful lot these past few years, an unplanned EMA, an unplanned pregnancy, which I terminated, the sneaking, the lying, the emotions, the passion, lust and want. Anyway, for the past few months he has been pulling away from me, said he needed some time to be alone. Said his home life was just miserable and he had to end things there before moving forward with me. I understood but was still hurt because he made me feel like I was his angel and he wanted and needed me in his life. Everyone in our circle knows about our EMA, of course, except for her. The past few times I saw him he was drawing himself more and more back. No physical contact. It wasnt always about the sex but that was the only thing that made me feel closest to him becuase I couldnt have him in my life nearly as much as I would have liked. Had a major discussion this past weekend and I just flat out asked him if he was in love with me. He said he didnt know how to answer that, that was my answer right there. On Monday at work I decided to write his wife a letter. I didnt put any details in this letter, just stating that I thought she ought to do some research and start asking people questions. I drove to her work and hand delivered it to her. I told her to call my husband, whom I am legally separated from since May. I gave her my cell # and asked her to call. Well, she did. And I told her, in a round about kind of way. After talking for a little while I asked her what she thought I wanted to tell her. She said, I think you guys had a fling. I said, okay. She said, Oh God, MORE than a fling? I said, umm, okay. Then she asked how long this has been going on. My answer..2 years. That was Monday night. Yesterday she called me again to see how I was doing. Would you believe that she apologized for her husband's actions?! She said that if I went into this knowing that that were fine in their relationship that would be a different story. I told her that was not the case. He made me believe that he was living in absolute hell with her, that he moved into the basement, that they dont have sex anymore, that they basically share a house. I asked her about them having sex. She said, yes, they still had sex, not as often, but yes. I asked if he lived in the basement. She said No, he stays in their bed with her. At that point, I let it all out, all except for the pregnancy thing. I gave her dates, places. I told her he was with me on New Years eve while she was at a singing gig with her band. I told her that he was with me on Mothers Day while she was out with her mother. I told her I knew about the "missing condoms" from his drawer. I told her he has a key to my apartment. I told her everything he has said about her and their relationship, and then some. Well, she decided to tell him about all of this yesterday. He told her that I was psychotic, that I was the biggest mistake he made, and that it wasnt about love, it never was. Fooled me! We made future plans together. I got my tubes tied for him so we wouldnt have any more pregnancy scares. I already have a 7 yr old son, he has an 8 yr old son. We were done with children. His confessions of love he made to me...I truly believed him. He was so sincere, so passionate. He was good!

Was I wrong to tell her? I have absolutely nothing to gain or to lose at this point. Any feedback would be appreciated. Sorry so long, but, I could have gone on forever. Theres alot more to this story.

~Feelin'

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 11:09am
Wow...well I don't now how to say this without sounding mean. I am going to try. I disagree with telling the wife. It seems that maybe you told her out of anger cuz he wasn't giving you what you wanted and maybe cuz you lost him. I believe its an understood promise to keep an A confidental and discreat no matter how things may turn around. A lot of women get hung up on and wait around for the mm to leave the w and many times, thats never their intention. Not that that was what you were doing, i don't know, i don't know your history or the relationship you were in. I am just concerned that you may have acted prematurely and out of anger at a given moment. I believe that you told his w to hurt him for hurting you. What good was going to come of telling her...maybe he did need his time to figure his stuff out and now, he won't get it cuz everything blew up in his face. I am afraid you may have hurt his wife by telling her everything all to just get back at him.

I am sorry if i sound abrasive. I hate when ppl respond with mean responses and that is not what i am trying to do.

Whats done is done....just be strong now, and be careful. Watch your back.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 11:14am
I'm pretty sure you already know the answer to your own question. Yes, it was wrong. I don't know if you can make reparations to her or to your ex-MM for this, but it seems to me that it wouldn't be bad to try to right the balance of negativity somehow - perhaps by doing some good deeds for others who have been unjustly treated.

We cannot justify doing harm to others on the ground that someone was cruel to us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 11:18am
I would never dream of telling my MM's wife anything, even if I knew her (which I do not). Its not my place to be calling her and saying what her H's been up to. If that was the case, then I would be afraid that the MM would contact my H and spill the beans, which I would NEVER want to happen. I think you're just trying to get even with him for hurting your feelings. But you're not giving any regard to HER feelings. Its a pretty mean thing to spring on someone that way, I'm surprised she sounded like she was nice to you. And I agree, you should watch your back. If you make him really angry, how do you know what he will do to retaliate?

Dusty.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 11:29am
I understand what you are saying, as with the post before yours.

I did not do this out of anger towards him or her. I did not want to hurt her in all honesty. Actually I didnt want to hurt him either. He had said he needed time to do what

he needed to do. He has been feeding me that line for quite some time. The only reason I told her is becuase I felt she ought to know, and if my H was doing something like this I certainly would want to know. It's not fair what he is doing to her. He was looking to get away with this scott free. Besides, my own H said if I didnt do it he would have and that the only reason he has not done anything up to this point was because he, my H, himself thought me and OM had a future together. H and OM met back in Jan. to discuss this. Om told H that his intentions were to be with me. What happened since then? I ahvent done anything wrong, and I dont feel what I did was wrong. I do feel bad that she is upset, but OM did this, I didnt. I did his dirty work. I know it sounds as if I am psychotic but no one knows the whole story except me and OM. Im not heartless and vendictive and what I did was definately not in my nature.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 11:56am
I simply can't agree with that. You say, "The only reason I told her is becuase I felt she ought to know, and if my H was doing something like this I certainly would want to know." Just because *you* want to know, does not mean *she* wants to know. How can you presume to know what someone else wants in their marriage?

And when you say, "It's not fair what he is doing to her. He was looking to get away with this scott free" - I'm sorry, but were you so concerned about *her* well-being when you thought he was going to leave her for you? If you were doing this out of high-minded concern for her, why didn't you do it when you were still together with your OM and sacrifice yourself in the process?

You asked, "Was I wrong?" but you say, "I dont feel what I did was wrong. I do feel bad that she is upset, but OM did this, I didnt. I did his dirty work." Excuse me, but did anyone *ask* you to do his dirty work?

Sorry, but I think you are trying to justify your actions by attributing selfless motives to yourself. And I still think it was wrong, and cruel, and heartless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 12:02pm
Hello Feelinthatway...

I feel you and understand you - where u stated on your post if your husband was doing that you would like to know...When and if I was married I would have liked to know too GOOD or BAD. I see many disagree with you and dont worry about being considered heartless I have been called that before on this board. BUT not until you are in those shoes can you judge and never say never - cuz u never know. BUT I also see many on these boards are married as well to having an affair - I can relate to you becuase I am single well divorced with an 8yr old son.

I cant believe he spoke to your DH and said he wanted to be with you - WOW I cant believe he did that then back out - WELL MEN are capable to say everything and say everything...to get what they want.

I am with a MM for over 7 months and he swears up and down he is leaving same crap your MM fed you...anyhow his wife has called me - and I have told her he does not love you he feels sorry for you - cuz according to him she says she wants to kill herself if he leaves and he feels sorry for her thats y he stays - so yea call me heartless too but i told her YOU CANT KEEP SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE KEPT...now you know he does not love you he does not want to be married with you - y are you trying to do what you do. Your MM W sounds alot like mine - she has caught us several times out - and she makes a scene to him infront of me then she calls to apologize to him and then she calls and apologizes to me. FIGURE THAT.

I mean I feel if she would call me now how things have gotten worst he has given her the ring back and said he wanted a divorce - I think I would tell her straight out also - she has never asked me if MM and I are having an affair - but like MM says dont ask if you dont want to get your feelings hurt. My MM knows I would not do anything to hurt him but I did tell her if she pushes my buttons I will. She has called me and asked me to leave her H alone - I have told her I would try - then I have told her ask him - and then NOW I have said NO - I said why dont u tell ur H to leave me alone - and she tells me he wont - I said well there is a problem...

ANYHOW enough about me - I just wanted to let you know your not a bad person and people cant judge unless they have been there in that situation...what ur MM did was wrong and thats that - whether you did it out of anger or not - its done with...the truth always comes out at the end.

I wish you the best - obviously he is not worth it if he denied everything to his wife...thats not a man....ENJOY life your single...

HUGS - Sandy







iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 12:13pm
I did try to tell her months ago. I called her and told her I wanted to meet and talk about some things. She agreed to meet me. I didnt know what I was going to tell her then, but, I felt I needed to talk to her and see if their problems were as serious as he made them out to be. She told him I called and he told her that there was absolutely no way she was going to meet me, to just forget about it. He then called me and told me that his W said that she has no desire to speak to me and to forget about meeting up with her. He said it would make him uncomfortable. Kind of like the way he made me feel when he met my H and did the same exact thing back in Jan. When I spoke to her we discussed this very topic, about our last call and wanting to meet, etc. We compared notes and figured he has been lying to both of us. I kid you not, she told me how sorry she was for what her H did to me, that I was innocent and she did not blame me at all for filling her in, that she appreciated it. She actually gave me her cell # and told me to call when I wanted to, I told her the same. We got screwed by the same man. Of course she is hurt, everyone is hurt. I will say it again, I did not want to hurt her. Call it a "girl" thing. I actually wanted to protect her from further hurt. and, FYI, I have no intention of speaking to him anymore, seeing him, whatever. I dont expect him to run back to me after this, but if he did, trust me, my locks are changed. Hurt me once, shame on you hurt me twice, shame on me.I did absolutely nothing to him but love him. I was so good to him and would never ever want to purposly jeopardize what we had. Now I know it was all lies. Why am I getting the short end of the stick with this? I dont get it? I appreciate everyones feedback, but, damn, relax. No one knows the depth of this story. Almost sorry I posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 12:35pm
I really applaud you in this particular way for telling his wife. I think that was incredibly strong & brave of you to do that.

I was involved in an affair w/ a married man for a year and a half. I always thought to tell her because I felt it wasnt fair to her and that I was living this lie w/ him and not making anything easier. We fell in love w/ each other, but one thing I definitely learned out of the affair is that men , in this case will lie to you like it was nothing to them. That's where all the heartache is really at. He just cut off all contact w/ each other one day and there was no good bye or anything. It is the strangest thing that has ever come across in my life. I dont know what he's doing , where's he's at now a days, but overall I got the message. That he was through w/ the affair and it was best to be irresponsible and inconciderate of him to just stop - it'd be easier then an airport goodbye type of closure.

My point being is that there is so much pain associated in my situation that I applauded you for telling him. You stood up for yourself in a sense. I mean yea, you took part in the affair as well and youre not necessarily a hero no offense, but atleast you did tell the main source - the wife. The one person who overall, after all the pain, rollercoaster ride of an affair....you told the person who really needed to know. People will say they disagree w/ you but only because its a big game to some and feel like it doesnt need to be told out loud and in the open - laid out on the table. Thats not their priority.

In a way its like revenge. You put forth so much into this bad situation and you thought you two fell in love, that you resorted to telling the one person who could change everything and ruin everything for the man you were having the affair with. Its human. I mean, I thought about trying to ruin his life because he lied to me and ruined my heart in that matter.

So overall, i wish you the best - you'll get through it. It has been a while since my affair, but sometimes it hurts really badly - like a flashback. Bite your lip and move on w/ life......


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 12:45pm
hey feelin -- i have mixed feelings here. but i do understand where you are coming from. you say telling the W was a "girl" thing. that i can agree with because i believe you wanted to try to keep her from falling down that black hole. none of us on this board know the whole story, just you and OM. i'm just glad you realize he's out of the picture as far as you are concerned, locks changed, etc. that's great progess for you.

one little story -- early in my marriaged, my H had an A with one of my best friends. her H found out about it and told me. big blowup, lots of heart-to-heart discussion. we stayed together, had 3 kids and ended up getting divorced after 16 years of M. they split up alot sooner than my H and i did. and a few years after my divorce, my girlfriend got in touch with me, and we met and talked and talked. we've been close friends again for 12 years and i was with her during her breast cancer treatments, i've been to both her daughters' weddings, family dinners, etc. while my xH has absolutely no contact with her at all.

so you see sometimes women can forgive and forget and move on. it's hard, but entirely possible.

good luck to you feelin. be strong and stay safe sweetie.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 12:48pm
I totally disagree with Tammy. You or your husband (just because he already knows everything) have no right to tell this woman what her husband is doing. And you said you didn't tell about the pregnancy, well why not? If you're spilling your guts about everything else why not just turn the screws in a little more? She may have been happy with how her marriage was, you don't know. If some woman called me up and told me about my H having an A with her, I would hang up, then I would ask him. I would want the info. from him, and no one else.
xxxx

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