I told his wife...Everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
I told his wife...Everything
41
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 10:44am
I haven't posted in quite some time. Just a little refresher..Have been involved in an EMA for 2 years. It was all that I ever thought I wanted. OM has been a friend for almost 20 years and we have both been experiencing our own marital problems. We had an amazing 2 years, we did as much as possible together and shared everything, or so I thought, on this roller coaster ride. I fell deeply, madly in love with this man, and he too fell in love with me. His confessions of love were unbelieveable. I felt like the most important person in his world, besides his son. We have been through an awful lot these past few years, an unplanned EMA, an unplanned pregnancy, which I terminated, the sneaking, the lying, the emotions, the passion, lust and want. Anyway, for the past few months he has been pulling away from me, said he needed some time to be alone. Said his home life was just miserable and he had to end things there before moving forward with me. I understood but was still hurt because he made me feel like I was his angel and he wanted and needed me in his life. Everyone in our circle knows about our EMA, of course, except for her. The past few times I saw him he was drawing himself more and more back. No physical contact. It wasnt always about the sex but that was the only thing that made me feel closest to him becuase I couldnt have him in my life nearly as much as I would have liked. Had a major discussion this past weekend and I just flat out asked him if he was in love with me. He said he didnt know how to answer that, that was my answer right there. On Monday at work I decided to write his wife a letter. I didnt put any details in this letter, just stating that I thought she ought to do some research and start asking people questions. I drove to her work and hand delivered it to her. I told her to call my husband, whom I am legally separated from since May. I gave her my cell # and asked her to call. Well, she did. And I told her, in a round about kind of way. After talking for a little while I asked her what she thought I wanted to tell her. She said, I think you guys had a fling. I said, okay. She said, Oh God, MORE than a fling? I said, umm, okay. Then she asked how long this has been going on. My answer..2 years. That was Monday night. Yesterday she called me again to see how I was doing. Would you believe that she apologized for her husband's actions?! She said that if I went into this knowing that that were fine in their relationship that would be a different story. I told her that was not the case. He made me believe that he was living in absolute hell with her, that he moved into the basement, that they dont have sex anymore, that they basically share a house. I asked her about them having sex. She said, yes, they still had sex, not as often, but yes. I asked if he lived in the basement. She said No, he stays in their bed with her. At that point, I let it all out, all except for the pregnancy thing. I gave her dates, places. I told her he was with me on New Years eve while she was at a singing gig with her band. I told her that he was with me on Mothers Day while she was out with her mother. I told her I knew about the "missing condoms" from his drawer. I told her he has a key to my apartment. I told her everything he has said about her and their relationship, and then some. Well, she decided to tell him about all of this yesterday. He told her that I was psychotic, that I was the biggest mistake he made, and that it wasnt about love, it never was. Fooled me! We made future plans together. I got my tubes tied for him so we wouldnt have any more pregnancy scares. I already have a 7 yr old son, he has an 8 yr old son. We were done with children. His confessions of love he made to me...I truly believed him. He was so sincere, so passionate. He was good!

Was I wrong to tell her? I have absolutely nothing to gain or to lose at this point. Any feedback would be appreciated. Sorry so long, but, I could have gone on forever. Theres alot more to this story.

~Feelin'
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 12:48pm
My response would have been different if you had told the whole story.
Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 12:50pm
Hi Feelin...don't feel bad for posting because of a few neg. replies...surely you expected that. Although I would HOPE I would never do such a thing as tell MM wife, I totally can understand how emotions and feelings can get out of hand. No one here REALLY knows HOW they would react, until they are in the very same situation as yourself. I know for myself, it would hurt me so badly to think that some of the things MM and I have discussed with one another have been lies. And I personally think one of the most hurtful things he could possibly do would be to blame me and act as though I were psychotic. He was lying to you all along and the only real guilt here should lie with him. And personally...I would like to know if my H were having an affair and everyone in our circle of friends knew BUT me...whether it was the OW telling me or not. I don't personally agree with that anyway, I just couldn't ever see myself associating or being friends around MM wife OR her circle of friends...that's just too close for comfort for me anyways. This guy is obviously a real jerk and you did yourself a favor by getting rid of him and finding out before it was too late what a loser he really is, don't feel bad...cause like you said, NO ONE really knows your situation but you. Good Luck in the future, I hope everything works out well for you. Just chalk this experience up to one well-learned and move on. Who knows, many of us may be doing just that one day.

PR

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 12:51pm
I agree, Shouldi. I feel some karmic reparations must be done. But until this gal knows that what she did was wrong, knows WHY she did it, and forgives herself (yes, she needs to forgive herself first and foremost because she has to live with herself forever), she will not be able to heal any hurts she inflicted.

We don't need to explain why this was wrong. And I won't even get into whether the MM did anything wrong because it is not relevant. The fact is that this gal did what we all tell our kids not to do: tattle. And worse, she tattled when there can be absolutely nothing to gain from it. And far worse, she tattled when there can only be hurt as a result. The pain she caused must be immeasurable, and I don't understand why she would want to do that to the wife, regardless of whether the wife is good or evil. You just don't cause harm. Period.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 12:54pm
As a matter of fact, I know that they BOTH were unhappy. I know her only from being married to one of my old buds, and over the years we have talked before any of this even started. They had problems long before I re-entered the pic. In fact they both told me that they had problems even before they got married and the only reason they did get married was because she got pregnant. She has been wanting out for a long time, so has he, they just never did anything about it. Meanwhile their son is getting effected by all of this. I cant make anybody understand this whole situation, you gotta be in it to know it. Good Grief!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 2:42pm
I guess I didn't see that you were friends with them both before? That must be really difficult though, having an affair with someone's husband who you know. I only met my MM thru our A, I don't even know what his wife looks like or anything. And I don't want to know. That's why I wouldn't ever try and contact her, I wouldn't want to hurt her or him that way either.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 3:40pm
hello feelinthway my JMHO no way could do that to my ex- W or mm W l 'm with now.how does your mm feel about what you did telling his W about you to was mad and upset with hope not.kimmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 4:18pm
You're correct; you don't have anything to gain or lose at this point. You've lost it all by telling his W. You've punished this guy who was honest enough to tell you that he wasn't sure how he felt about you. If there was any chance in the future of him coming around and realizing that he DOES love you, it's completely blown out of the water now.

Those are the facts regardless of the 'whole story', and whether or not you did the 'right thing' is irrelevant to those facts in the long run. It doesn't change them.

One thing that strikes me from your story: his W reacted to your news with a great deal of class and maturity.

I'm sorry for your pain and I truly hope that things work out for you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 5:10pm
Don't feel bad about what you did. I have been there, and I too told MM's W everything I could think of. I sung like a bird. My MM did me the same way. Kept promising, and still promising that he is going to leave. And, he did, but he always went back, which made things even worse.

Some people are not going to like what I'm about to say, but I don't really care. All is fair in love and war. I don't care about MM's W's feeling, as she doesn't care about mine. She in not my friend, and I don't expect her to be. People don't want to admit it, when you tell someone you will be together, and they dont follow through with it, that's war. You don't lie to someone like that and just expect it to be OK.

AND!!! if my MM's W don't leave me alone, she is going to get another surprise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 5:24pm
Secretluver...could not help but read your response supporting feelin...

Question - So is his W still with him after you told her everything?

Im shocked - because my MM W suspects and I have told her he does not love her and basically what he has told me...and she still sticks around. She only has suspicions but does not ask straight forward and I have no said anything...unless she asks me.

Im just wondering...if she stayed and what did MM say to you and her?




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 6:45pm
Today is Thursday. This past Monday is when I gave her the letter. She called me Monday night and Tuesday morning. She had not told him that she knew as of then. I then called her back Tuesday afternoon to see how she was holding up. I am genuinely concerned for everyone's well being, and as I called she happened to be on the phone with him telling him that she figured things out, and obviously she told him I told her. She then in turn told him what I had told her, I dont know the extent of it. He told her that it was a mistake and that he had told me that it was never about love and that I was crazy. When she told me this I almost laughed. I was like, okay, whatever. She then told me that she tore him apart for getting me involved and for completely ruining an innocent woman, me. OM and I keep in touch via text messaging. Yesterday, Wednesday, I sent him a few text messages saying, I was a mistake? He told me I was his life saver, his angel. He fed me the biggest bunch of bull imaginable. I then told him that I wanted him to call me, that I had a few things I would like to discuss with him. He texted me back saying, ok. I left it alone. Then he sent me another text saying that he was going to spend time with his son after work and that hed call me after. Well, he didnt call, oh well, whatever. He's got plenty to think about now. My thing is is that after all the things we have done, the things he said to me, the love we made, our 20 year friendship, I did not once ever give him ANY reason to lie to me about everything he lied to me about. He could have told me the truth about things at home. He could have told me that things were ok at home, and I would have been fine with that and moved on, just be honest. In the past 2 years, on numerous occassions I begged and pleaded with him to let me go. Crying and wailing, tugging on his shirt, on my knees saying please, just let me go, let me move on, we're not going anywhere and it's getting too hard for me. His response, nope, wont do it.

As far as what is she going to do? Beats me. She had said to me tuesday that she's ready to pack a bag and leave. She said she can go to her mother's or a male friends house but then her H would think she has had something going on with this friend of hers, which by the way, everyone is suspicious of. She once told me that if she werent with her H that she would no doubt be with this OM. Go figure that. See people, there's an awful lot to this story. So, no, I have no idea what she is going to do, and no, I have not spoken to OM since this past Friday when he came to my place. Guess if anyone is interested I'll keep you posted as things arise.

~Feelin