I told his wife...Everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
I told his wife...Everything
41
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 10:44am
I haven't posted in quite some time. Just a little refresher..Have been involved in an EMA for 2 years. It was all that I ever thought I wanted. OM has been a friend for almost 20 years and we have both been experiencing our own marital problems. We had an amazing 2 years, we did as much as possible together and shared everything, or so I thought, on this roller coaster ride. I fell deeply, madly in love with this man, and he too fell in love with me. His confessions of love were unbelieveable. I felt like the most important person in his world, besides his son. We have been through an awful lot these past few years, an unplanned EMA, an unplanned pregnancy, which I terminated, the sneaking, the lying, the emotions, the passion, lust and want. Anyway, for the past few months he has been pulling away from me, said he needed some time to be alone. Said his home life was just miserable and he had to end things there before moving forward with me. I understood but was still hurt because he made me feel like I was his angel and he wanted and needed me in his life. Everyone in our circle knows about our EMA, of course, except for her. The past few times I saw him he was drawing himself more and more back. No physical contact. It wasnt always about the sex but that was the only thing that made me feel closest to him becuase I couldnt have him in my life nearly as much as I would have liked. Had a major discussion this past weekend and I just flat out asked him if he was in love with me. He said he didnt know how to answer that, that was my answer right there. On Monday at work I decided to write his wife a letter. I didnt put any details in this letter, just stating that I thought she ought to do some research and start asking people questions. I drove to her work and hand delivered it to her. I told her to call my husband, whom I am legally separated from since May. I gave her my cell # and asked her to call. Well, she did. And I told her, in a round about kind of way. After talking for a little while I asked her what she thought I wanted to tell her. She said, I think you guys had a fling. I said, okay. She said, Oh God, MORE than a fling? I said, umm, okay. Then she asked how long this has been going on. My answer..2 years. That was Monday night. Yesterday she called me again to see how I was doing. Would you believe that she apologized for her husband's actions?! She said that if I went into this knowing that that were fine in their relationship that would be a different story. I told her that was not the case. He made me believe that he was living in absolute hell with her, that he moved into the basement, that they dont have sex anymore, that they basically share a house. I asked her about them having sex. She said, yes, they still had sex, not as often, but yes. I asked if he lived in the basement. She said No, he stays in their bed with her. At that point, I let it all out, all except for the pregnancy thing. I gave her dates, places. I told her he was with me on New Years eve while she was at a singing gig with her band. I told her that he was with me on Mothers Day while she was out with her mother. I told her I knew about the "missing condoms" from his drawer. I told her he has a key to my apartment. I told her everything he has said about her and their relationship, and then some. Well, she decided to tell him about all of this yesterday. He told her that I was psychotic, that I was the biggest mistake he made, and that it wasnt about love, it never was. Fooled me! We made future plans together. I got my tubes tied for him so we wouldnt have any more pregnancy scares. I already have a 7 yr old son, he has an 8 yr old son. We were done with children. His confessions of love he made to me...I truly believed him. He was so sincere, so passionate. He was good!

Was I wrong to tell her? I have absolutely nothing to gain or to lose at this point. Any feedback would be appreciated. Sorry so long, but, I could have gone on forever. Theres alot more to this story.

~Feelin'
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 6:54pm
I can understand the telling the wife theory just a little back up on my story I was in an A with a MM and he pushed me to leave my husband all these promises all these expectations and of course like a fool I did well 2 years later, he is still married and his excuse is too many problems if I leave HELLO, I lost half the time with my kids I am going to have to file bankruptcy lost all of my friends had to get a new job every other holiday year I am with out my kids, and it is too much trouble for him....let me tell you I really really wanted his wife to know but then I figured let him stay in a miserable marriage that is HIS punishment!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 7:31pm
Feelin,

I haven’t read all of the other posts so if this is repetitive, I apologize. You asked, so I will give you an honest answer. If it sounds harsh, I apologize in advance. There just doesn't seem to be a way to sugar coat what I have to say. Remember, you asked...

It was absolutely wrong of you to contact his W. She is the one who was betrayed by you and your MM. She IS an innocent victim in this EMA. No matter how horrible the M is, nothing justifies an EMA. Why would you ease your pain by rubbing her face in it that way? If you are angry with MM for causing pain and telling you lies, take it out on him and him alone.

People post all of the time that there is no trust in EMAs. I always think to myself how wrong that really is. We trust the other not to jeopardize the other’s life, family, career, etc. I have been in my EMA for almost three years. I love my MM with all of my heart. Each day has a little black cloud in it when I don’t see him. But I promise if it ends badly, I will deal with it like an adult and move on with dignity and grace. I love him too much to jeopardize anything that he values. I never would hurt his W. I hurt her enough, without her knowledge, as each time I am with him, I take a little piece of him from her. It is not something that I am particularly proud of.

I wish you peace.

Hugs

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 7:45pm
I have to say I agree with red harts. I only skimmed through the other posts, but I believe I agree with the general consensus that there was really (or at least it seems so) no good reason to tell his wife other than for your own satisfaction. I mean, why the sudden concern for her feelings? Were you as concerned about her during the past two years when you thought he was only lying to her? It just doesn't add up.

I know I can't possibly know everything about your situation - I can only make a judgement based on what you have posted. Just my opinion. Please don't think people here are intentionally trying to be mean - they are just giving you their honest opinion.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 8:00pm
I just need to say something. I have been in an EMA and been on the other side of an EMA. Neither of which are easy. When I found out about my H's EMA, it just about killed me. He was the one who told me. After I found out about it, it actually made our m better. I'm not quite sure why, I guess because I thought that he had picked me over her. That was 5 years ago. Now, for the past 9 months, I have been in an EMA. Yes, it has been the best sex ever, he has said all the "right things to me...wants a future with me, loves me, etc. But for about he last 2 months, I keep telling him that it has to be done, he has not made any attempts to change his situation with his W, while me on the other hand, have filed for D. I have thought many times that I would like to tell his W..to make him make a decision as far as his M is concerned. Then, I thought that I wouldn't want her to feel the pain that I went through when I went through this with my H's EMA. As far as I know, his w doesn't know anything. I think she suspected something before, but has never said anything. My point being...nobody knows what they would do if they were in your situation. You felt like you were doing the right thing. Maybe you did. Maybe that was closure for you...made you realize that your EMA wasn't all you thought it was. All of us know that EMA's have there fair amount of pain.

Good luck....I'll be thinking about you and wondering what I would do

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 2:21am
I have to agree with you red harts, I've read all of the posts on this one. I don't mean to gang up & I do realize that in all reality I don't know 100% what I'd do in that situation. But I can't see what you gained by telling his w. You didn't really care too much about her feelings while you were having an a with her husband. So why the need to show you "care" now? Although now that I think of it, that would probably follow the right path on that one. None of us can say that we really care about the mm's w, now can we? So why shouldn't she have told the w? I don't think I would do that, maybe not because I care about her feelings, but that I wouldn't want the drama. Anyhow, since she didn't care about the w's feelings in being that she was sleeping with her husband, why would she care whether or not she hurt her in getting back at mm? I'm not saying this stuff to start anything, it's just my view on all of this. Not just her, but all of us that are involved in a's, myself included. I like to think that I don't want mm's w to get hurt in all of this, but that is just not going to happen. And if I'm honest with myself, if I really, truely cared about her feelings, I wouldn't be sleeping and w/her husband, now would I. Anyhow, jmho, no offense. I've no room to judge anyone here. None of really do...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 6:47am
I've read all the post in this thread. There seems to be 2 groups of opinions. Opinions of the ladies who were told the truth by their MMs. They didn't promise you the world on a silver platter. You had no expectations. No one promised to leave their marriage. I understand you not wanting to tell the W.

Then there are us who were promised everything. We left our homes, and broke up our familes, because our MM promised us everything. But, they didn't leave their homes, and break up their familes, and give up their lives. And, for someone that says they love you to do that to you is very hurtful. The natural response to revenge. Hit them where it hurts. If I can remember correctly every lady that agreed with feeling, has been lied to by their MM, about them being together. I appreciate, and I'm sure feeling appreciates the honesty of those who said they don't know how they would react in that situation. I don't mean to be repetative, but I'm just very passionate about this subject, lets say it's a sore subject with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 9:00am
I was one of the 'you shouldn't have done it' posters.

I was hurt beyond belief by my MM when he 'dumped' me, after almost 7 years of our A. I'll spare you the details, but I ended up in the hospital from it, and I almost died.

I didn't tell his wife. I never would have told his wife. Yes, I wanted to hurt him.

But not her.

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 9:39am
Just to clarify...I was supporting feeling because I felt like that's what she needed at the time. I don't think and I hope that I would never tell my MM W anything about us, but...who knows what any of us will one day do? No one can honestly say they are absolutely certain. I am a big believer in 'never saying never', because I think it will come back to bite you in the butt. At one time in my life after all..I had said I would never be involved in an EMA...but here I am. I also don't think anyone can "really" criticize Feeling for telling MM W..unless they know the entire story. That's all I was saying. I didn't say any of this because my MM has ever lied to me about our being together or given me unrealistic expectations. We have talked about this dozens of times and we would like to be together, but we both know leaving our M anytime soon is not an option for either of us. But I can certainly understand the ladies whose MM have told them this and all the angry and hurtful feelings that would come along with it and rightfully so....who know I may be there one day...like I said, none of us "really" know. I agree that MM W is an innocent victim but so is the OW so many times. But like another poster said, no one here can honestly say they 'care' about W feelings, else...they wouldn't be sleeping with her H. It's unfair to be lied to for any reason and there isn't any excuse for it at all. He simply didn't have to lie to her and make her believe things that were supposedly 'going to happen' He should have been upfront with her in the first place and none of this would have ever had to happen. JMHO, though.

PR

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 10:06am
I agree with what you're saying, PR, but I also have learned that MM's don't necessarily set out to lie and be deceitful. Not in all cases. Maybe he was truly swept off his feet and believed everything he was telling her in the beginning. Sometimes they get honestly confused, just like we do. Sometimes they think they are in love but things get complicated and yes, sometimes feelings change over time. Just like in any relationship. Especially when there is so much at stake in any decision, as there is in an A.

As for his lying to Feeling about his status with his wife (sleeping in the bedroom, etc.)... maybe he was confused enough that he knew he couldn't tell Feeling the truth, or risk losing her. After all, let's face it... affairs are built on lies... should it be a shock to an OW that he lies?

Or hey, maybe it was the wife who lied, and he was telling the truth. We don't know the 'whole' story.

But from the post, it sounded like the initiating event was that the guy was pulling away and admitted to being confused about whether or not he loved her. Didn't sound like a big crime to me... a bigger crime would have been to lie to feeling and say he loved her... and continued to lead her on if he was unsure. Just my opinion, though.


Edited 9/26/2003 10:20:50 AM ET by wwwmommydotcom

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 10:08am
well said, I agree.