I Want More---Anyone Else?
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| Mon, 12-08-2008 - 9:29pm |
I want more from AP. I want more than I can have or more than he can give. And honestly I can't be sure he wants the same---not to the same extent anyway. He has said at times he wished I'd been out with him on particular occasions (instead of his W) or that he would like to be seen in public together. But that doesn't necessarily mean he wants a relationship which I do. Sometimes he's very quiet about this b/c I know he's very scared of moving forward w/me. There are times when he has talked about us being together in the future but I just don't know how that would ever be possible.
I mean let's just say we're not with our spouses. Then what? Years ago the 4 of us were very close friends. I know they (spouses) would go nuts & I'm certain she'd think something was going on behind her back (she's extremely controlling of him & EVERYTHING he does). Which right now there really isn't anything going on. We email & that's not even that often anymore---it used to be many times a day but we've both been so busy that it's slowed a lot. I don't know that I can even say I'm in an A exactly---it's definitely emotional but we don't see each other :-( We were physical (a lot) a number of years back & parted ways & started families.
I worry about all of the kids (2 for each of us) & the repercussions of divorce & having new 'parents'. I can't even say I'd want marriage but yes a serious relationship where we don't have to hide. I feel so very confused about all of this. Some days feeling fine with just knowing he's out there & other days wanting it all!
Who else feels like this? I'm sure I'm not alone.

I'm honestly surprising myself with how easy it is to keep things relatively detached with AP. I think it's because our A is still mostly sexual. I get from him what I don't get from my H (an irresistable attraction and a mind blowing physical connection), but I don't need from him what I do get from my H, which is someone I can be comfortable with, relax with, and see to my day to day life with. My H is a good provider and a good father, and I don't have a real desire to leave him. I had thought that our sexual problems were mine because I was never in the mood. Low libido? That's what I thought. I was WRONG. There ain't nothing low about my libido when I'm around AP. He just does subtle things that get me in the mood, and he's always flirting and always teasing. I always feel like a sexual being when I'm around him.
So anyway . . . right now I don't want more than I'm getting from AP. I mean, I wish we could be alone together more (it generally happens once a week) but that's still a physical want.
Now i do...Just in the last
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Your feelings and what you want out of your A are exactly what I'm experiencing. I was in an A (mostly EA also) for 7 months. It ended a couple of months ago but he emailed me and wanted to continue with the emails. I tried but just couldn't do it because it was too painful for me.
I said I would never go back there again! I found myself AGAIN with a MM. This one talked about us in the future which was something the other never discussed. I broke it off with this one last week because I don't want seconds. He would be paying child support and alimony if he ever did leave so chances are he never will. There were and still are things that I love about each one of these men and they are special in their own way. I want a man who can give me what I need and want from a relationship. My H doesn't provide this which is the reason I've search elsewhere so why should I accept the same from someone else? You may question me providing seconds for a new man in my life but with my situation that doesn't happen. H and I live apart.