I want more...Lurker needs opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2010
I want more...Lurker needs opinions
6
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 5:33pm
I'm a MW having an affair with a MM for one year this month. Neither of us has plans to leave our marriages but we do say we love each other and speak everyday on the phone for hours. We see each other at least once a week but it's never pre-planned times or places. He had a previous affair in which he spent a lot of time with this woman. They saw each other daily, had lunches almost daily, and worked out together almost daily. He had a dday and chose to stay in his marriage. We've known each other for sometime but about a year and half after his dday we began our affair. I've asked for several months now that we start having lunches and pre-plan our rendezvous...KWIM. However, he refuses to do these things with me. He says if I'm patient they will eventually happen, but after a year I was hoping they would have already. I am extremely jealous of his xap and even his wife. I have always been discreet and don't want to risk either marriage. I also understand that he's been there before and is afraid of the risks, however, when he tells me he loves me more and then never asks to see me or have lunch with me or whatever, I begin to feel hurt. In fact I feel hurt alot of the time. I guess I want to know if I'm asking to much and how do I handle the disappointment of thinking his xap was more important than me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 7:36pm
Hi Diamond..I don't think that his xap was more important than you, he is just probably so nervous about getting caught again and being out in public together is always risky.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 9:28pm

Being in affair is an art of desensitizing yourself to never-ending disappointments and hurts. You train yourself not to expect anything as not to get disappointed...then next thing you know you look at this so called relationship and wonder WTH is all that about. That's why all affairs have shell life. Someone mentioned here recently that average affair lasts about 1.5 years...I guess that's how long we're able to put up with this crap. I didn't even last that long, simply had no patience for it.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 8:08pm
Really? The average is 1.5 years? I had wondered...I have been in an A with a MM for over 6 years now...we started out all mushy and like teenagers...then reality set in...I am now almost divorced and he remains unhappily married...do I wish he was single? Nope...not one bit...I think he would be a jerk 24/7. But with me...it is lighthearted fun and sex...no expectations...I don't have to put up with the bad OR do his laundry!! What I do get is spontaneity...fun...lighthearted...GOOD sex...sometimes when I least expect it! I would much rather get a surprise text asking if I want to see him than plan too far in advance and be disappointed!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 1:08am

I agree with gonebabygone. My A was so wonderful at first but maybe too intense. He particularly felt guilty and we pulled it back a bit (well he ended it but wanted me back literally the next day).

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2010
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 9:42am

Thank you all for your replies. For me it's not really about lunches or planning our time together, it's really about effort and action. I would like him to make the "effort" and take more "action" to spend time with me.

It's like gonebabygone said you have to train yourself not to expect anything so that you're not disappointed. I tell him my frustrations and he'll make a vow to try harder, but then another week passes without anything new.

He said something very interesting the other day. He was telling me that his wife's family was coming to visit from out of town but that they weren't staying at his home. He said he felt bad that they weren't staying with them because it hurt his wife because she did want them to stay with them. I said well it's not too late to invite them to stay at your home. And he said it made him feel bad that she was hurt but not bad enough to invite them to stay with them. What resonated with me was that if he really wanted something he would do it and that includes with me too.

I'm with you stronger, it's very hard, and I find myself at a crossroads quite a bit lately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:23am

My "sense" is that he's being more careful because of what happened last time. He doesn't want another D-day. Being out in public, no matter how discreet, is always dangerous. I do it with my OM - we almost always go out to lunch together - and I've wondered about how I would introduce him if I ran into a friend or family member. So far that hasn't happened although there were two times acquaintances of mine were in the restaurant and I just laid low and avoided contact LOL. We're more likely to run into his friends/work mates etc. because we're in his "territory".

I think no matter what he promises, this is what he can give you at this point. If it makes you unhappy you have to make another choice - you can't change him, only yourself and what you will accept.

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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