I want them both!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
I want them both!!!
6
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:01pm
I'm new to this discussion board and I'm glad I found it. I apologize because I still don't quite understand all the acronyms, etc. I have been in this A for about a month now. Actually, this guy "John" was an old acquaintance of mine and my husband's. After 4 years of not seeing him, he moved into our town with a wife and 2 kids. We started flirting at first until he kissed me. Recently, we moved away from them because of my husband's job. "John" is now 200 miles away from me. Since John is a good friend of ours, him and his family came over to our new home twice. Both times, we got to sneak some pecks and intense kisses. We talk to each other on the phone almost everyday. The thing is that it's not even about the sex. We haven't gotten any chance which I'm glad. But I really really like "John." My marriage is great, don't get me wrong. We have one child, whom I adore. My husband is wonderful and treats me like a princess. That is why I'm wondering why I have such strong feelings for "John." "John" and I have also confided in each other about things. We constantly encourage and motivate each other. We both agreed that we won't leave our families for each other.

I'm so confused because I know things happen for a reason. I always wonder why "John" came into my life. I'm starting to wonder why I got married so early. I love my husband but I'm emotionally attached to "John." I can't let him go. I know some of you have been in this thing longer, how do you deal with it? I want to hold on to "John" but there's still that empty feeling because sometimes I want to be with him and I start to miss him terribly. I'm so confused!!! How do you guys handle it? Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:33pm
I too love my H immensely but have strong feelings for MM. I don't know how that's possible either, but I think sometimes different people meet different needs in our lives. My H treats me like a princess too and, even worse, H is MUCH more of an honorable man than MM ever could be. H would never even think about cheating me -- he just doesn't put himself in those situations. I don't know if you feel this way, but I feel like MM is more of a "challenge" than H is. H is always there for me, at my beck and call, a perfect prince. MM is always busy trying to make everyone happy at work and hardly has time to talk. If I can get a chunk of his time, it's so tiny I'm always left wanting more. H never leaves me wanting more. While that's great, it's not a challenge. I know if I were married to MM I'd never get bored, but I probably would be unhappy. I guess it's part of that question they asked when we were young: Would you rather love or be loved? I always said "be loved," and that's exactly what I've got. With MM, I'd be the one who loved more.

I think in your situation the distance will help. You won't have the opportunity to see him very often and all you'll really have our phone conversations. That sounds more like a friendship to me, unless phone sex is on the agenda. It's possible in time you and John will drift apart because of the distance, which will be a blessing in disguise. I think reading through some of the posts here will help you see how difficult and painful an affair can be. Like you, MM and I have only kissed -- we only see each other at work and people are always around. Although I often yearn for more, I often thank God that we do have that obstacle between us. And I also married young, so I have often wondered if that's the problem. It's not that something's wrong in my marriage -- it's just that there are things I missed. Like being with an older, more experienced man. I think maybe we'll figure it all out in time. Sometimes I think it's possible we had these men come into our lives to show us we didn't miss that much after all and maybe that we should appreciate our husbands for how much they love us. But then sometimes I wonder if maybe MM isn't the man for me. It's not that we want to have our cake and eat it too -- it's just that we love different people in different ways throughout our lives. Just because you marry doesn't mean you lose the ability to fall in love, unfortunately. I'm still grappling with a lot of this myself, as are we all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:44pm
I completely understand how you feel. My boyfriend is wonderful and treats me better than any man ever has before. But I can't help but have these feelings for my OM. Its hard because you are really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd like to think that I just want my cake and eat it too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 10:54pm
Gigi,

Hmmm, Cake women now too.... I always knew it was the case,

but didn't want to post it. It cuts both ways, and I wouldn't have it

any other way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 6:36pm
Hi geann and welcome to the board,

I don't think there is any real way of dealing with what you are dealing with... I find it's all about your mind set.

I've been in my EMA for going on 3 and a half years now... and while neither of us are prepared to leave our marriages and continue to try and make them better... I know I don't and I never get the feeling from MM either that we want to let go of each other.

for my own sanity... I learned to accept that my EMA is just that... an affair! and I just enjoy what it brings to my life rather than worrying about what it will never be. Sure... I do have ups and downs... where I want to be with him, but because of circumstances I can't... but I feel in the long run... I would rather keep what we do have and continue to live a content life with him being part of it... than to push things further and maybe even risk everything that we have.

It's not an easy place to be... but for me... I find it well worth it.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 7:25am
Wow, reading all your posts was such a breath of fresh air. I also married young, and although i have no kids ( yet ) DH is a fantastic man. The perfect description of the husband of my dreams. He looks at me like i am the love of his world, with such adoration its what any woman would ask for, but now OM is there and although all we do is talk on the phone and email, when we were together that afternoon, nothing else mattered. Just the feeling of being in his arms was so natural and perfect, i could hardly imagine wanting more from life. Now 2 weeks on.. looking at DH everyday, knowing he is hurting, he knows something is up, i look at his sweet face, and then look at my cell if a message has come in from OM, cause that feels so damn important. Confused, but know that in life you love so many people in different ways, its impossible to limit yourself to just one anything, friend, etc.. so good luck to us all
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:43am
How does your H know something is up? You're probably going to have to get better at disguising it...the last thing you want is for him to get suspicious enough to start watching you closely.