i was wondering how he can

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
i was wondering how he can
13
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 11:22am
go to therapy along with his wife once a week and still talk to me. also how he can even want to help me out and go to therapy. it seems like a conflict, i was wondering if any one else has dealt with this. we are friends, maybe that's how he can deal with it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 1:01pm

Do you really want the truth?


This man is being nice to you and still doing things for you because he is scared. My guess is that you are one little topic that has not come up in his counseling sessions. He is probably in there trying to do everything to fix the issue without letting the issue be known.


In other words, he is doing this to appease you. The last time you thought he was disappearing, you found his email address from a third party and commenced to write him multiple emails stating your love. You added him to your IM list even though he was previously against outside work communication,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 2:08pm
first off when he received those emails from me he stored my email in his contact list and my cell number in his phone. i've never done that. i've never put him on my messanger list. secondly, many, many, times he'll email me to tell me to call him. like he just did today. i hate to tell you, he's the one in the last month that has been coming to me. a week ago, new years eve, new years day, today, yest, 2 weeks ago, all by him wanting me to call him. i do, and we talk. i was wondering how can go to therapy and still talk to me. he says it's his wife that talks more then anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 2:34pm
Who knows how he can go to therapy and still maintain contact with you. Maybe he feels guilty about you and does it to appease this. Maybe he honestly thinks he can just be friends with you. Maybe part of him still wants to be involved with you. Maybe he's just deluded and actually thinks he can maintain contact with you and still get all that he should be getting out of counseling with his wife. Which is pretty much B.S. Who knows. That's really his problem to figure out. But I will say this...you claim that you're friends and that the affair is over. Yet, it seems, in reading your posts, that this isn't really the case. Not really. It seems that you're still enmeshed in the whole thing, just not physically. What it all boils down to, really, is I think you have to ask yourself why YOU are doing this. What are YOU hoping for in this "friendship"? Because in order to really get over this affair, you have to truly put an end to it. No pseudo-relationship. No pining away in the masquerade of "friendship". When it comes to an affair, it's either black or white. Anything that lies in the gray area is really just wishful thinking that the relationship will come back. I know. I've been there. I did become friends with my xAP, but only after having no contact for a long time and knowing I had zero desire for him. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have become friends at all except that we have mutual friends, and I couldn't avoid him entirely. And there's no way in hell I would ever become involved with him in that way again. Actually, I wouldn't have an affair with anyone again, but that's just me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 5:13pm
he's smart and comforts me. he listens. he's good friend. with this lap top issue, it's been him to make sure that i cancel the lap top i bought for one that's better and cheaper with more to offer, and him that's offering to be with me when i buy it so i make a wise choice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 5:25pm

Tori,

~Olive
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 5:30pm
today i actually asked him if he went to therapy, and he said no, not today. then i asked him what do you guys talk about. he said his wifes anger issues and how she pushes him. then i said do you talk, he said not to much. it's more about his wife. this is per his wifes request also. his wife has bi polar disease and she's been going for years for that in order to recieve her meds, then she asked X-AP to go. he's been going for 2 months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 5:33pm
i was wondering some how if this conflicts with him. we haven't seen each other in person since 11-04-2008.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 5:44pm

Are you trying not to see one another? How often are you in touch? My situation was very similar as his W was very depressed and he wanted to do whatever it took for her to treat it. Do you feel as though there is a chance for you two? If so, I think a good talk about his life/expectations is totally fair. If not, I would take a step back as not to give him the idea that you are upset about his life...I always feel so silly if I reach out too many times per week/day etc.


Olive

~Olive
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 6:01pm
we are friends. we want to stay only friends. it was a full blown affair for about a year and half. now we talk about once a week to week and half, by email or phone. except for the last couple of days all initiated by him, yest we emailed all day, talked on the phone last night, then emailed last night, friday emailed and talked on the phone, and today emailed and talked on the phone. the last 3 days has been the most contact in months. it's unusual. i emailed him again to let him know what they said about returning my lap top. i admit i miss him very much. i'm nervous to see him in person because of how i may feel. there's no chance for us. that was set in stone from the start. he has 2 small kids, that's his life. i'm not upset about his life. i wondered if some how therapy and talking to me would create conflict for him. i don't want to see him hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 6:13pm

Wow you are so nice, there is no chance,

~Olive

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