I wish i knew how he felt

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
I wish i knew how he felt
8
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 3:12am
Okay, me and my mm have been in a ema for 8 1/2 mths, and like some of u guys i entered this relationship not because of sex but hoping to finally feel what it's like falling in love with someone, so i guess u can say i want to share everything with my mm. I know that our ema is not based on just sex, i mean we sit and talk about our lives, marriages, our kids, and etc. This is our first ema for both of us b/c we were the type who has always been faithful to our spouses but then chemistry started taking place and now it's a full-blown affair. Well, i tried having the relationship talk with him but didnt succeed, i have already confessed that i am in love with him but when i asked him if he loved me, he said no but that it takes time and he does care alot about me. Well after that answer i stopped trying to pressure him into loving me, well that was two months ago and everytime we see each other now we are getting closer and closer,so last time we were together i asked him how he felt about me and he said he would tell me but didnt explain when, or where he would finally tell me, so im taking it now as in he feels something for me but he doesnt know just yet what it is and when he is ready he will finally admit to me and himself of his true feelings, so here's my question do u think after being together for 8 1/2mths , he should know how he feels about me and our relationship, or does it sometimes take months to years for a man can really figure out if he is in love with a woman? Well i hope to hear some advice, talk to ya guys later
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 8:07am
hi sweetie l do think your mm cares about you and feel something for you but l think just scare about his growing feelings for you.for me and mm he tols he loved me for first time in oct 1991 he rang up and he told me loved me.l also think scare my mm so much his feelings he has for me. my family and his are very close friends of yours but we both know something between us he always so happy to see to me like always be with him.then about 2 years ago we were in cancun mexico on holiday together one morning over breakfast he told love me again. hope things work for you and your mm hugs kimmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 10:46am
Georgiapeach,

I had to respond to you because this sounds so much like my R with my MM. We were together for 2 years prior to actually saying those words. Like you, I longed to make him fall in love with me b/c I was(still am)so in love with him that I thought my heart would burst. Although my feelings were so strong, I never told him out loud that I loved him. I was waiting to hear it first from him. I wanted him to really feel it and not just say it b/c I had. I knew that he must have deep feelings for me b/c of the way he acted when we were together. B/c of the desperation on both our parts to be with each other, etc. Our R was not only sex either. We work together so we had that in common. Also, our times together were(still are) incredible. Lots of kissing, holding, cuddling, staring into each others eyes, etc.

It all came out at an out of town work trip. We traveled there together and were spending a week there. One night about half way into the week, we were making love and I started crying. He told me that he was sorry that he couldn't offer me more. I told him that I was sorry that I couldn't say the things that I wanted to say. I went back to my room and didn't see him until the next day. I apologized and blamed it on the wine. That night when we were together, he told me that he loved me, that he had loved me for a long long time. I asked him why he didn't tell me. He said that he didn't want to lead me on. You see, neither he nor I will leave our spouses for this R. We made those commitments many years ago and will live by them. Maybe that is where you are with your MM.

I will warn you, once you hear those words from him, it will be harder and harder to deal with knowing that you can never really have him. At least that is my experience. Although it was always hard to leave him, now it is physically painful. It feels so wrong to see him go home to his family and me to mine. He feels it too. When we say good-bye, we just cling to each other for as long as possible before tearing ourselves apart.

Good luck to you

Hugs

RH


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 7:48pm
good men are going to feel the guilt over what they are involved in. I love you's are scarce on my end---3 years. More often I get, do you think we would still be involved like this if i didn't. which is kind of crummy, but i try to not go on words, actions mean so much more. Nice cards, which i always get, he takes care of me in so many ways, as i do him, and I to be honest have given him a lot of crap that he must love me to stay. But most of all like the old song says, and i truely believe this,,,its in the KISS

Sex can be awesome but the kiss is where it tells for sure, and also, how true he is to you, trying his very best to keep his promises, times, days, whatever. You should be able to tell if he is truely sincere. I wouldn;t pressure,,,he'll run scared. I the very first time asked, scared to death,,,,his reply was do you feel my love for you. Which is true. Not saying it is a way of protecting themselves. I gain a whole hell of a lot more than i go without. he is so worth it to me. Little things also like touching your hand, holding your face when he wants to kiss you, rubbing your back or snuggling after sex is the true test. Sure sometimes has to run, but it shouldn;t be everytime. And if he cares about satisfying you he will do some of those things. Good luck. Im sure your heart knows the answers to your questions. Don;'t let that stupid mind stirr up things and confuse the feelings from the heart. OL
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 9:31pm
Hi georgiapeach,

I'm going to answer this from my own point of view rather than MM... as I really can't answer for him anyway... for as hard as I may try... I will never ever know exactly what it is he feels.

MM and I have been at 'this' for going on 3 years and a half years... we've known each other coming up to 4 years. For me... I never fell in love with him until somewhat a year and a half ago. I was always the type of person to fall in love hard and fast... and being what this was... I was determined to stay strong and no go down that path.

I walked in with my eyes wide open to sex with a married man who was already having an affair... to me... this was my way of protecting myself.

But as time passed, we jumped hurdles together and were there for each other when there was a chance we might fall... things changed and I knew I had to admit to myself that I had feelings for him.

It took me a long time to do this... and I've yet to admit it to him... my love come from our friendship and the understanding we have of one another... not from love at first site or the lust and infatuation in the early stages. I've grown and changed and so has the way I love.

I call what I feel love... but ofter ponder that too... afterall I know but only a small part of this man... what if I knew all of him? would I still feel the same... I can't say for sure. But the part of him that is mine to share... I know I love.

As for MM... I know that he has feelings... how? I can sense it... feel it... things between us have certainly changed... sure the sex is still high priority... but when I'm the first person he turns to for a shoulder... then I certainly know it's a little more than just sex. What it is... who knows... I will find out in time... as time will tell all... and in all honesty... this is one relationship I don't want to rush.

Forgive me if I'm way off track... I'm having one of those days and my emotions are up in the air... and I guess I am really talking straight from my heart.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 11:23pm
Don't you get it? It is just an affair to him. It is so obvious to me as I read this. You are having an affair. It is not about being "in love", although for you it may have been about "falling in love". I also don't understand how you can be so naive as to think that just because he tells you he has never had another affair, you believe him. Would YOU tell your next affair partner about your prior affair(s)???

You say you wish you knew how he felt, but it is obvious how he feels. He feels like he likes you and enjoys spending time with you. Period. End of story. It is never going anywhere, it was never supposed to, and it never will. Eliminate the sturm und drang, and enjoy what you have. Or get out of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 11:23pm
Wow, Yogachick. How can you tell so much about a relationship from only one post?

I challenge you to think outside of the box, and imagine that there possibly might be some more complicated things going on in this particular (or ANY particular) relationship that you can't assess from one post from one person.

Men are not all scum. Some of them feel like we do. Sometimes it's complicated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 7:58am
I based what I wrote on what the original poster wrote, period, end of story. It does not sound at ALL like what SweetC or Olive or others are experiencing. It sounds like the original poster is being played.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 9:18am
Like many others I can only express feeling from my end. In the original post, when I compare my EMA to that I am the male.

One day my MM and I were talking and sharing lunch when he got very quiet. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing but being stubborn I persisted. He then told me that he loved me and that he felt he needed to say it. What was worse was how he told me. By saying that he loved me more than he had ever loved. That scared the hell out of me and he could see the fear although I tried to hide it. I couldn't repeat the words. I felt it, but to say the words meant more betrayal to my spouse. It was hard.

Then a month later I didn't hear from him for a few days. Which happened now and then. But when I finally heard from him the feeling I felt was overwhelming that I actually cried. I don't cry. He was soo worried something was wrong, but then I told him that I loved him. It was a big step for me, so perhaps its the same for you MM. And its true, once those words are shared and truly felt, its a whole other ball game.