I wish I knew how I let this happen...
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I wish I knew how I let this happen...
| Sat, 01-23-2010 - 1:00pm |
I am a religious, Christian woman who was raised with morals and values and has always tried to do what's right in my life.

Hi ajay,
I know how u feel. I've was where u are not long ago. I am also a Christian and would have never thought I would have an A. When I heard of others doing it, I was shocked and couldnt understand why. It never even crossed my mind as a possibility that would happen to me. But it did. At first I was in complete denial. I wouldnt even admit to myself that it was an A. I was also just plain naive.
He was a co-worker. It was just flirting and then talking and then hanging out and then we got physical. He is M and so am I. My H paid me no mind when this started, we hadnt had S in two years at this point. It was like my H was single and didnt even want me around. So my A went on for a little over a year, I fell in love with him and he said he did too. I had tried to break things off 2x and we always fell right back into it. I did so much for him I was so much in love. But the guilt and the heartache were getting the best of me. I actually wanted to be with him. I wanted him to leave his M and I was ready to leave mine. I often asked myself how did u get here? I couldnt believe the person I had become. I felt like a liar, a deceiver and a fake. While the A is happening u change and do things u never in your whole life thought u would do. I've always had esteem issues but I really disliked myself even more the longer this went on. I knew I was wrong and that God definitely didnt approve.
I finally broke things off in early Dec. I was sooo hard, but he wanted to continue having me on the side and it wasnt enough for me. It was wrong. I thought either we are together all the way or not at all. The in between thing was killing me and destroying me to the very core. It was too much to bare. I've actually had NC for about 3.5 weeks now. At first I wanted to die, I was depressed, sad, lonely, I felt evil and dirty and angry at him and myself for letting it get so far.
My point is I know it's hard. But the longer it goes on the harder it will be in the long run. The feelings only get deeper and the pain becomes to much to handle. I'm glad I didnt wait longer to break things off. I still have rough days and I still think about him but I am starting to feel normal again. Starting to feel like I have a sense of control over my life.
You dont need this pain in your life. As hard as it is, you have to let
Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
I understand your situation, as it sounds much like my own.
Well, you are not alone.
You Said: "I've spent my entire life doing things to make others happy, usually sacrificing my own happiness in the meantime, and doing everything right.
This is the first time I've ever done anything for ME... and it has been amazing... "
I could have written those same exact words. I feel I cheated because , for once, I wanted something for ME and only me. Having the tug of war between guilt as a Christian and want as a human is a very difficult struggle probably many of us face. All I can tell you is when you are ready, you will make the best decision for you but pay attention to how you FEEL. You say you feel like he says all the right things at the right time and lied to you but in the next sentence says he's been a good friend. What does that tell you? It sounds a bit contradicting doesn't it? Sometimes we want things so badly we do not want to look at the bad points, the ones staring us in the face. I too am looking at a relationship I thought was one way and my AP thought was another. A different side of him has come out that I did not like and had never seen before. It really surprised me. I tried to not contact him but made the dumb choice being impulsive as I am and now regretting it.
I totally understand your comments about how you feel when with him but at some point, when you are really ready, look at the whole picture and ask yourself if he is really all that. In truth you may find he's not as good a friend as you want to believe and *may be* doing this for his own selfish reasons. I do not know him so cannot say but please be very careful and TAKE CARE OF YOU and do what is best for YOU.
I wish you much luck. I know how difficult a position you are in. We are all human and commit sin. If we were perfect we'd be Jesus. I am not advocating cheating but don't want you to beat yourself up. This is why we need God in our lives. To straighten us out when we fall.