If You're happy with M... then why

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Registered: 07-05-2003
If You're happy with M... then why
37
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 5:32pm


"just wondering"

=)


Edited 9/22/2003 1:47:37 AM ET by lexylew

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Registered: 09-14-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 11:42am
I am not happy with my marriage but I make the most of it, because I have no choice. I am not in a position to leave the marriage and make it on my own confidently. Its not because I am not confident of being alone, but I am in a mess that doesn't allow me to be free. Let's say its logistics rather than circumstances and I need the security of my marriage to fall back on.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 6:19pm
The premise of the question assumes that because you are in a happy M, that you are complete. I don't think any one person "completes" another 100%, nor should one. We have friendships and relationships with other people and we appreciate them for their qualities, and our H or W may or may not have those qualities but we can appreciate them. It becomes an EMA when you add the sexual element... so perhaps the MM/OM/MW/OW not only has qualities different from our H/W that we enjoy, but the sexual enjoyment is there, too, and perhaps that is a side of you/me that the H/W does not know, appreciate or want to know.

It is far too simplistic to simply say you have a void or are unhappy, therefore you cheat. I agree that franky sounds like a BS in trying to justify it as such, or else as mental illness...lol... we are human, after all. It's not all b/w.

If I cheat on my H, do I love him any less? No. That other person brings something additional to my life, and it is up to me to decide if it is worth the risk. Everyone decides that for his/her self.

It's ridiculous to say that just because your M is lacking in one area or another, that it is necessarily unhappy, too. For example, if my M is missing sex, but is great in every other aspect, why would I walk away from the M? But on the flip side, why do I have to live without good sex? Is my M worth risking for good sex? Well, that's up to me to decide... and for those who judge, well, it's not their life. They have no idea how or why good sex might be important to me, or unimportant to H... and it's none of their business.

"Happy" is a relative term. I'm happy when I'm eating an ice cream cone. I'm happy when I finish a workout. I'm happy when I have an orgasm. But guess which one of those three I'd risk more for... ;-)

lily

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Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 10:13pm


=)


Edited 9/22/2003 1:50:35 AM ET by lexylew

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 2:33am
Lexy,

I understand that a person can love two children with the same intensity, yet differently, or two friends, or two family members, etc. So, then, why should it be hard to understand it is possible to love two people romantically?

I'm with you in that I don't understand - how can MM love me, yet love his W. I daresay it isn't enough or the right kind of love for me, nor for his W either if she were to know. I know I love MM, I know I would be capable of loving another man if/when our A ended - but I don't know that I could love two men at the same time.

I doubt that we would ever understand, unless it we were to experience it!


Meow

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 5:58am
Hey Lex,

I have three children. I could not make Sophie's Choice. So why can't I love two men? Giving a part of myself to one person does not take away from another. If I have two friends, but only one likes to go out bowling, do I take away from the other because I don't bowl with her? Why is my capacity to love so limited, that I can only be in love with one man? Yet why is it boundless that I can love all my children?

Our basic disagreement is that you believe one person should wholly complete another so there is no desire to fulfill a need elsehwhere...

good discussion, lexy!

lily

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Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 8:27am
deleted

Edited 9/15/2003 9:13:44 AM ET by charlotte1203


Edited 6/1/2004 10:51 pm ET ET by charlotte1203

 

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Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 8:34am
Hi Lexy,

I haven't read any of the other posts yet, but I am mostly happy in my M so I just felt the need to respond.

My H is a wonderful man. He is funny, caring, great father, loves me to death. I give my family 100% of my self all the time. When he's sick I take care of him, I cook, clean, you know the "typical" wife stuff. We laugh and play together as a family. But (there's always a 'but', right?)I don't desire him the way a wife should desire her H.

Enter MM. I've known MM for 10 years. We went to college together, dated, etc. Our relationship was magical, but ended mostly due to bad timing. So after 5 years of NC, out of the blue we found each other and began talking again. Well, one thing led to another, and here we are.

I am a one person type of gal. I have never done anything like this before. I have never had more than one b/f at a time. But this is different. MM and I had a relationship before either one of us got married. We didn't figure that we'd see each other again. I never went to any alumni functions at our college for fear that I would run into him. So I tried to avoid it. But what we had was amazingly strong, and when we heard each other's voice for the first time in years, that bond came back almost immediately. If MM wasn't in the picture, there is no way I see myself having an A with someone I met after I was already married.

Great Question. Now to read the other replies......

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
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Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:00am
LOL, I used to say the same thing....Never Say Never!
Avatar for prettyribbons4u
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Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:10am
frankny29, I have to say...your post is quite a joke to say the least...lol. That's cute though, how you tried to sum it all up into three different categories. << Which one do you consider yourself to be in? I personally don't fit into any of the three, but if I had to choose...I guess I would have to say selfishness is a "part" of it, of course. We are all human and anyone in my opinion that has an affair has experienced some kind of selfishness along the way. I mean it IS selfish of me to put my life, my H's life, and even my kid's life on the line for the mere pleasure of MM, I admit that. I've weighed these options and do so on a pretty regular basis as a matter of fact. But am I selfish in other parts of my life, I do not think so at all and I certainly can "empathize" with other people (the difinition to that by the way is the ability to share another's emotions and feelings)by the way...who am I suppose to be showing empathy for...the W?? ...this is NOT WHY I'm having an Affair..lol. Cute Logic on your part though, I must say. WHERE did you come up with that...lol?

PR

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
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Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:25am
I agree with everything you said in your Charlotte. I used to be the type of person that would frown upon anyone ever having an affair for any reason. Then in 1991, it happened to me, we got caught, things went berserk, we separated, didn't talk or see one another for 12 years. Then a few months ago, we accidentally came upon one another and here we are again. It was like those 12 years diminished in seconds. This is the first time in our long history together that we've ever talked of love and feelings and all the other things that make up a "relationship". I used to totally believe that it was impossible to love more than one man, now...that seems so unrealistic to me that I ever thought that way at all. I know without a doubt I love MM, I mean...how could I not? It's just different love and I guess until someone actually experiences, there is nothing you can say to make someone understand.

For me and MM, it was a timing issue each time we've ever gotten together. The first time, it was all about age since I was only 16 at the time, then of course...next time, we both were married and we're still married today to those say people...But there is a connection there that no one could deny, it will always be there and I will always love him, always. And I really don't think I would really want to Marry him either,,isn't that weird!! But...to have him all to myself whenever I wanted would be nice...guess that's where some of the "selfishness" comes in at...lol

I too will be so unhappy if this ever ends for any reason, which I'm sure it will. BUT, like you...I will always be thankful that I had this happen to me. That I felt love like this for another person and was lucky enough to also have it felt for me. I always say when I'm a little old lady "I'll always be able to speak of him with a sparkle in my eye and love in my heart" << and I think that's one of the most beautiful things ever.

PR