If You're happy with M... then why

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Registered: 07-05-2003
If You're happy with M... then why
37
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 5:32pm


"just wondering"

=)


Edited 9/22/2003 1:47:37 AM ET by lexylew

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:57am
I don't usually post as to why I got into an EMA due to one reason - there are certain things that I can't explain LOGICALLY about my experiences while being in it. The void that makes you be in an EMA in my opnion is not necessarily a bad one. That's what the psuedo psychologists want you to believe anyway. A real one (and I have been to one) only provides insight into your actions and what it tells about your current relationship. Don't we seek things that fill voids in our lives all the time, only that in this case it is outside of what society believes right or wrong.

It may be addictive, but what is wrong in seeking a person who you know is your soul mate, despite the circumstances? It may not be realistic to others but it is reality for you. One man's (or woman's) reality is not another same as another, we have our own life and experiences to live (and learn).


Edited 9/15/2003 12:31:48 PM ET by charmed1007

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Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 3:20pm
I don't think there are "lots" of women here like that. Over the past year, I've seen very few. In addition, "happy" is a subjective experience. I've seen women whose affairs ended miserably come back to the board and say, "Why did I do this, I was happy before I had my affair" - but that's certainly not how they sounded when they were on here.

I read some of the responses, and you can put me squarely with those who say that, just as it's possible to love all your children equally but differently, it's also possible to love two men equally but differently. And be happy with both, to boot.

However, that doesn't address the *real* question, which is, why did you get *into* an affair if you're happy. You can fall in love, but it takes time to get from infatuation or attraction to love. So why *start* to begin with?

In my case, I had a dramatic experience that had to do with 9/11. It coincided with another event, which led to seeing someone I'd known for years in a different light. I also realized how incredibly valuable and joyful and beautiful our time on earth is NOW. Going forward, I kept asking myself, "Why am I doing this?" and the answer was always the perfectly selfish, "Because I like it." I also kept asking myself, "Have my feelings changed about DH? Am I missing something?" Well, no and no.

I very much doubt I would have another affair. The relationships I have already overwhelm me most days. I don't even have time for new friends, let alone new lovers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 3:43pm
Well, not to justify, but it's interesting that selfishness has been brought in. Generally women are always putting everyone else first -- kids, husband, chores, etc. We very rarely make time for us. I'm getting from a lot of these posts that for these women, their EMAs are their one indulgence. Again, I'm not justifying, but I think so many women are forced to do it all and we're so used to putting ourselves last... When a lot of men put themselves first all the time. Maybe that's what some of these EMAs are about. Kind of like that old "Calgon, take me away" commercial where the harried wife/mother just wants to escape every now and then...maybe she even NEEDS to escape just to keep her own sanity. Could it be that maybe selfishness isn't such a bad thing? Maybe a little bit of it is necessary every now and then...?
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Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 4:54pm
You know, I'd *like* to think it was justified. But I have never, ever been able to justify it. I have a good job with a good deal of personal control, and DH and I have always been good at balancing our needs for private time with our obligations to each other and the children. Although I have a breathtakingly full day with work and children and home responsibilities, I simply do not have the excuse that nothing else was "just for me."

All I can say is that someone that I liked and respected turned out to be even more interesting than I'd thought, and that there was a spark between us, and it felt good to be admired and considered wildly attractive even though I have lots of kids and am "of a certain age." That's the only thing there was at first. Now, of course, I love him deeply, and that feeling is returned, and I haven't taken any love away from my DH in order to love my OM. But my motivations for starting this were completely selfish, and to say anything else would be dishonest.

BTW, OM would say exactly the same thing on his end - that as wonderful as our relationship is, we cannot justify it - though he would probably point out that society's definition of marriage is ridiculously narrow - however, that is not his wife's viewpoint, nor does it reflect the vow he made.

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Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 5:07pm
I don't think you HAVE to justify it for anybody else's sake. If you know in your heart what it is YOU want and carry on with that conviction, its pretty much doesn't matter what anybody else thinks/says. There are some things that are not worth trying to spend the time to justifying beacuse they are for your own reasons and nobody else is going get it, however hard they try.
Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 5:48pm
What a great discussion! I have been wondering the same thing, about myself. My EMA only started two months ago. MM is someone I have been overwhelmingly attracted to for the last three years--turns out he felt the same way. I have a fairly happy M. Like Charlotte, there are some things missing that I wish were there, but my H is a good man, he loves me, I love him, and I have come to accept him and our relationship for what it is. Did that drive me to an A though? I don't think so. I haven't quite figured it out yet. I have never, ever been as moved by someone as I am by MM. I have never felt so sexy and desirable with anyone. And I love having this secret (although it's frustrating having to keep it a secret all the time!) life that's mine, all mine, and only mine--except for sharing it with MM. Would I feel the same way if H were in a similar situation? I like to think so, but I don't know that either. This is all so new to me, a situation I certainly didn't expect to find myself in...My best to all of you...JB
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Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 7:05pm
LexyLew...

Are you asking this question because you are wondering where your MM might be coming from emotionally? If so, you are never going to get the answers by asking US why WE would be involved in an EMA although happily married. The answer must come from HIM.

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