I'm back

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2012
I'm back
14
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 11:19pm

It has been a few weeks since I have been on here. Tried to get on right after the boards changed and I had so much trouble that I gave up.  It’s easier on my PC, but the phone and ipad were impossible. 

Last time I posted was when I was heading out to my girl’s night on the town. I was struggling because I was afraid of telling them about AP in a moment of weakness. You all gave me great advice to keep it to myself, and like other advice, I stupidly ignored it. It pains me to admit that and I’m not sure why I thought it was a good idea to share. I was feeling so happy. AP and I had been able to email all day that day, and were feeling so close. I wanted to share my happiness with someone. Famous last words. Shocker – they weren’t at all happy with me.  They knew about my problems with H. I thought they would be glad I’d found some happiness and desire in my life. How naive of me. Long story short, one is no longer my friend over it, and the other is dubious. 

I should have known better. I feared the one who cut me out of her life would tell H. A week after the outing she got very angry and bitter with me, and I was upset, walked out on our lunch, and went back to work and cried in the bathroom. I’d rather die than have H find out from her, so I decided I’d tell him that weekend, and be done with it. I emailed AP what happened and what I was going to do, and that we would have to stop seeing each other.

He was disappointed, but understood. It sucked. I went home miserable all weekend, but still didn’t tell H. The next few days, it became clear she wasn’t going to reach out to H and tell him out of the blue (and still hasn’t, and won’t, I’m sure).  I didn’t tell him, and Sunday night I wrote AP and told him that.  I truly missed emailing/chatting with him and was very low that weekend. I’d lost a friend and him and didn’t know if I might even lose my H.  AP and I started talking again, and since have had many wonderful conversations and a few nice afternoons in the park.  We’ve become much closer with the thought of being over. We have decided we want each other in our lives.

I’m not really conflicted, I guess I’m just along for the ride. For the record, I told the one friend who didn’t cut me out of her life that I ended things with AP. She thinks I’m busy working on my marriage now. I’m fairly certain that the other girl told people we work with. Or I’m just paranoid. We all work in the same building, but not together. However, I work with people who she knows and talks to often.  I swear I see them looking at me and they know. But again I could just be paranoid. I learned my lesson on trusting people with this kind of information, that is for sure. Even if others we work with know, none of them know my H so it should be fine.  AP and I have been laying lower, just in case. Not emailing quite as much. But we still connect as much as we can, every day.

I don’t want to leave my M and neither does AP.  This is so strange to me, the idea of a relationship with no expectation or real future. But I enjoy it immensely and he’s good for me. He makes my life complete. And I don’t mean that in the way it probably sounds, like he completes me or I’m in love. But rather, I enjoy some aspects of my M and certainly enjoy our little family and family time (H and I are good friends, good partners and good parents, but not lovers).  Taking that my life without AP is probably 75% content, his presence in it completes that missing 25%. I’m sure you all can relate. 

Go ahead and say I told you so for spilling to the girls. J  Well, at least a few things have come clear in the last few months of my A.  Despite my initial silliness and giddiness, and despite the fact he’s experienced with A’s and I am not, and even despite the fact we met on AM, he’s probably a rare exception.  He’s very nice to me and sexy as hell and he genuinely seems into me. I can tell because he doesn’t rush a sexual relationship (even though we chat about it online all the time, in person he wants to spend time with me and talk and all that).  I can also tell because he doesn’t try to feed me a bunch of crap. And, because his eyes tell me he’s into me.  Eyes can’t lie. Words can, but not eyes. I’m positive he’s not interested in seeing anyone else (before we met, I think he was kind of dating around but not into any one person).  Anyway, I’m enjoying it, I’m not going to question it, and I’m very happy.  J  Just thought I would share.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 10:39am

I can understand your desire to share your happiness.  I did the same but fortunately my friends are very supportive (I'm thinking it's because I AM divorcing and so is AP but who knows).  There are some I would never tell and I'll have to pretend to start a new relationship once the divorces are final.  

I can tell you that I was on the flip side though.  I had a friend that I considered one of my closest.  She told me she was having an A and it made me mad.  I didn't think it was fair to her H, who I thought was a nice guy.  I wanted to tell him but in the end didn't because it was between the two of them.  We stopped talking for years (although she didn't know it was over that.  I just pulled away) and recently started talking again through facebook.  She divorced, remarried and has a new family and happy marriage.  Funny thing is that I understand why she did it now.  She's NOT one of the friends I've told though, even though I think she'd probably understand the most.

Lots of luck! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2012
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 12:26am

Thank you, Cowgirl.

I do understand. I don't know how I'd react. I'd probably be sick if someone with the type of husband I had did the same. On the outside, we are the 'perfect couple' and he's the "perfect husband".  But I just keep thinking no one knows until you walk a mile in the other's shoes. 

I don't know. I understand and I forgive her. She's already been pulling away for months, and I'm not sure why. It's fine. Friendships end.

Thanks for your words, that helps!

Is it me, or are not as many people posting on here as before the boards changed? This sucks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 10:15am

My H and I are friends, parents, etc, like you mentioned - so I'm curious, why don't you want to leave your M?  What keeps you there?

I lost my best friend last year because I was having marital problems and she couldn't "take the stress" of me talking about it, and I know for sure she'd never be my friend if she knew about my A now, so I know how you feel there.  It's hard, but it does get better after a while.  Ironically I ran into her yesterday for the first time in over a year - it went OK.  Not great, and I still felt upset afterwards, but it wasn't devistating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2012
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 12:54am

Sunrise,

What makes me stay in my M? Great question.  There are several reasons. First among them would be my two little boys; they are still very young. It's important to me that they have both of us around as a family unit. My husband and I aren't outwardly disfunctional. We hug, kiss, love on the babies, and have fun as a family. It's important to me the boys have that. I know it's hard to really say that I love and respect my husband considering what I'm engaged in, but I do. And the boys see that. And they see him treating me well. It's important to me that they see him treating his spouse with love and respect. Sure, our sex life and passion is lacking, but our solidarity in other matters is still rather strong. He's not a jerk. He's not a bad person. He's a good person. And it's good for those two boys to see that, in the context of a family.

Secondly, and clearly more selfishly, I want to have him in my life. He's solid. Sure, he has flaws. He is actually a functioning, harmless alcoholic. It's a turn-off, but it doesn't affect his ability to be a good husband and father. But I don't feel romantic to him or attracted to him sexually because of that. But when I put the thought toward what it would be like without him, me living alone, sharing time with the boys, that is most definitely not the scenario I want. My H is solid, and true, and probably would never give up on me, no matter what. How can you leave that for the unknown?

Lastly, it's just easier. I'm sure you can all relate. We do well financially, but separately, even though I make a little more, it wouldn't be as comfortable. Two mortgages? Two sets of furniture? Two separate sets of house bills? One for each of us, obviously, but no thanks. It wouldn't make me destitute by any means, but I certainly couldn't have the little indulgences and peace of mind I have now when it comes to money. I don't want to give up our lifestyle.  I love our community, and our home, and what we have together, materially.  So shallow, I know. But I want all that in tact.

Reasons to leave? Honestly, if anything it would be the lack of sexual satisfaction and desire. But who is to say I could sustain that on my own anyway? Dating in my late thirties? No thanks. I knew when we got married that our sex life wasn't perfect. It's not terrible, but it's not great. It does nothing for me.  So I'm seeking an A for two reasons. Sexual desire, and the idea that I'm desired by someone, another man. That need in me wouldn't go away if I was single. I'd still seek it, and probably wouldn't find it in any one person. So, I guess my solution was to go elsewhere for that one missing piece, and keep all that is good as it is. Sure, it could blow up in my face. I know that. But it seems to me that as complicated as life with an A is, it'd be far more complicated and tentative as a divorced, single mom seeking desire (and, the comfort and stability I currently enjoy from my H).  For me, this just works right now.

What about you all? Why do you stay in your Ms?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 8:24am

Wow, you really summed it up well, I can relate, except for the kid part - I don't have any and my H's D is a problem. . .but she's a teenager and that's her job to be a problem, lol. I stay for all the same reasons otherwise especially financial and the security. H is what he is and I can always count on that, and I am what I am toward him except for my A's that he knows nothing about. I already had one M go up in flames and I just want to keep this one.

-jana

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 11:49am

Gggb ~ you described my marriage.  I do love my h, and he is a great father.  I had a very dysfunctional childhood that led to a lot of my issues.  I try to make life as normal with a loving mom and dad.  One of the reasons I stay.  My h is also an alcoholic, but he has been sober a couple years.   He has relapsed, but has been going strong.

I was thinking last night...could I leave?  Do I want to leave?  No, not really.  I do my best to keep my marriage together and deal with A separately.  And I think the same way...maybe there just isn't one guy for me.  Maybe I like it this way...I get the desired attention and sex that my M is lacking.  And I get the love and family life that the A is lacking.  It's a win/win for me.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 12:51pm

Like the other responders, you've just nailed my M and why I stay.  Your story is just like mine, and you spelled it out so well.

So why do people leave their M's then?  Are we all just living with stable fatherly men and wishing for more?  I know my A's personality is not at all like my H - he's far more excitable and angry and not the stable force that my H is.  Is that what your A's are too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 12:51pm

Like the other responders, you've just nailed my M and why I stay.  Your story is just like mine, and you spelled it out so well.

So why do people leave their M's then?  Are we all just living with stable fatherly men and wishing for more?  I know my A's personality is not at all like my H - he's far more excitable and angry and not the stable force that my H is.  Is that what your A's are too?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 2:31pm

I think people leave their M's because they believe that AP is everything they want and need, that they are "soulmates" and "complete" them.  I know mine is not that.  Yes, I have strong feelings, but he is around to fulfill a need that I don't have in my M.  And sometimes AP's start to think that life with the other AP is better than their M.  Again, I know that is not true.

My H and my AP, have different personalities but quite similar.  But H is more stable, well, AP is stable in his way, but he isn't the "family" type.  He is a bachelor with gf's and his own place.  H is far more excitable.  lol 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2012
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 10:19am

Jana,

Wow - similar here. I had first marriage end (no kids) and it was because he was toxic and I finally picked up the pieces and left.  I searched for bad boy types back then, and I slowly learned (it was about six years later I found H) that the only stable part of my childhood was my dad, so I found someone similar to my dad. DIdn't realize that at the time, of course, but I've come to see it.  Stabile, patient, calm, collected. Those people make great Hs but it's probably more rare to have passion with them. It's a compromise, I suppose. 

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