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|Tue, 10-30-2012 - 11:19pm|
It has been a few weeks since I have been on here. Tried to get on right after the boards changed and I had so much trouble that I gave up. It’s easier on my PC, but the phone and ipad were impossible.
Last time I posted was when I was heading out to my girl’s night on the town. I was struggling because I was afraid of telling them about AP in a moment of weakness. You all gave me great advice to keep it to myself, and like other advice, I stupidly ignored it. It pains me to admit that and I’m not sure why I thought it was a good idea to share. I was feeling so happy. AP and I had been able to email all day that day, and were feeling so close. I wanted to share my happiness with someone. Famous last words. Shocker – they weren’t at all happy with me. They knew about my problems with H. I thought they would be glad I’d found some happiness and desire in my life. How naive of me. Long story short, one is no longer my friend over it, and the other is dubious.
I should have known better. I feared the one who cut me out of her life would tell H. A week after the outing she got very angry and bitter with me, and I was upset, walked out on our lunch, and went back to work and cried in the bathroom. I’d rather die than have H find out from her, so I decided I’d tell him that weekend, and be done with it. I emailed AP what happened and what I was going to do, and that we would have to stop seeing each other.
He was disappointed, but understood. It sucked. I went home miserable all weekend, but still didn’t tell H. The next few days, it became clear she wasn’t going to reach out to H and tell him out of the blue (and still hasn’t, and won’t, I’m sure). I didn’t tell him, and Sunday night I wrote AP and told him that. I truly missed emailing/chatting with him and was very low that weekend. I’d lost a friend and him and didn’t know if I might even lose my H. AP and I started talking again, and since have had many wonderful conversations and a few nice afternoons in the park. We’ve become much closer with the thought of being over. We have decided we want each other in our lives.
I’m not really conflicted, I guess I’m just along for the ride. For the record, I told the one friend who didn’t cut me out of her life that I ended things with AP. She thinks I’m busy working on my marriage now. I’m fairly certain that the other girl told people we work with. Or I’m just paranoid. We all work in the same building, but not together. However, I work with people who she knows and talks to often. I swear I see them looking at me and they know. But again I could just be paranoid. I learned my lesson on trusting people with this kind of information, that is for sure. Even if others we work with know, none of them know my H so it should be fine. AP and I have been laying lower, just in case. Not emailing quite as much. But we still connect as much as we can, every day.
I don’t want to leave my M and neither does AP. This is so strange to me, the idea of a relationship with no expectation or real future. But I enjoy it immensely and he’s good for me. He makes my life complete. And I don’t mean that in the way it probably sounds, like he completes me or I’m in love. But rather, I enjoy some aspects of my M and certainly enjoy our little family and family time (H and I are good friends, good partners and good parents, but not lovers). Taking that my life without AP is probably 75% content, his presence in it completes that missing 25%. I’m sure you all can relate.
Go ahead and say I told you so for spilling to the girls. J Well, at least a few things have come clear in the last few months of my A. Despite my initial silliness and giddiness, and despite the fact he’s experienced with A’s and I am not, and even despite the fact we met on AM, he’s probably a rare exception. He’s very nice to me and sexy as hell and he genuinely seems into me. I can tell because he doesn’t rush a sexual relationship (even though we chat about it online all the time, in person he wants to spend time with me and talk and all that). I can also tell because he doesn’t try to feed me a bunch of crap. And, because his eyes tell me he’s into me. Eyes can’t lie. Words can, but not eyes. I’m positive he’s not interested in seeing anyone else (before we met, I think he was kind of dating around but not into any one person). Anyway, I’m enjoying it, I’m not going to question it, and I’m very happy. J Just thought I would share.