Im back... and I want this to end.
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| Mon, 08-02-2010 - 5:47am |
Hi all
Well I had my hysterectomy on Wednesday and home on Saturday. Feeling pretty sore but definately on the mend. My H has been amazing- so fantastically supportive and just great as my nurse, family chef, family driver/organiser etc.
Compare that to AP who was overseas for nearly 3 weeks before I went in to hospital and arrived back the day after nmy op. He sent very few texts the first two weeks he was gone, but I think this was alogistics issue as he started to send more (and also called me) in the few days before I went into hospital.
He sent a few nice texts while I was in hospital and he called me today.
But I dunno- this is so not working for me.
His texts, while initaited by him, are nice and some are sweet, are sending my mind into overdrive. I must read them 10 times Id say. Then I analyse it big time. Today I sent a few texts this arvo and then even said could you send me something nice because i missed you so much. That was at 1. At 6 he sent 'Good night, only just finished, Kisses'.

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OK, you've made your case, you should end it!
It is up to you, but it sounds like you've reached that point where it is making you miserable more than its making you happy. And your H does sound awfully sweet, waking up to help you to the bathroom... Mine would do the same, I know it.
Is there a way you can put this all out of your mind while you're recuperating - put it in a little box that says "open later" and don't worry about anything till you're well? You need to get healthy again, and worrying or obsessing about an AP doesn't help the healing process. You need to zone him out and concentrate on YOU sweetie.
Healthy healing vibes coming your way! ♥
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
First of all IGS, I hope you're mending quickly.
So much of your post rang true for me at this time, too. I am at the same cross roads as you are. During this past weekend, I've come to the same realizations as you have. I am off work for a month, not because of health issues but because currently there is no work for me. I know I am going to drive myself crazy. The squirrels have already shown up. My DH is a great guy and I hate that I got myself mixed up with my AP.
AP and I have been friends for over 20 years before we became involved. We've been together for 4 years. Things just aren't the way I want them to be between us any longer. I'm happy when I'm with him but not when we're apart. He's become distant and inattentive. I'm becoming more and more dissatisfied in my marriage. I know I need to make some decisions but have no one to talk with about any of this.
Could I email you privately?
Hi IGS,
I think you answered your own question. End it! You gave all your pros and cons and you see now in this state that your in that your H will do absolutely anything for you whereas AP is very busy, limited and doesn't seem interested in doing it. I know its this addiction to the way they make us feel but think of the low moments that seem to out do the high ones.
Wishing you a speedy covery!! What ever you decide hope it brings you happiness & peace of mind.
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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Hi all
Thanks for your responses.
Tears- please message/email anytime. Im not sure how that works but I'll certainly respond if I see anything.
I feel calmer today- maybe a bit sad but I think Ill take Lexi's sage advice and just put this in the 'open on Aug 31' box. I go back to work on 6 Sep so if I can stick with this plan, I will try not to think of him and try to heal myself- physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
He really doesnt deserve me. I am a very open, smart and loving person. Sure my M has been rocky in recent years but my H is definately trying harder- as am I. My AP is a selfish arrogant fellow, and his initial attention and pursuit was quickly followed by his more natural self-focussed behaviour.
Oh but GREAT news! MASers had previously recommended two books on this board- Feeling Good- and - Why Good People Have Affairs. Both have arrived and I will start reading them!
Ok so i'll give the A some space. Not for him but for ME! Love you all and thanks!!
iggy xx
First, I am glad the surgery is history now and I hope the recuperation is going well. Glad to know that your H is there for you now, helping you through this stage.
Thanks Jane
Well I didnt hear from him at all today- I caved and texted him around 4. Just a quick 'Hi hope you are having a good day'. Now its 630 and no response at all :(
But thats very unusual for him so maybe he is really busy or maybe he is irritated at me (for sending a few texts - what a crime). Im happy to not text over the next 2 days- let him sweat and give myself space.
But what if this is the beginning of the end? Some days Im ok with that idea (well most days really). As you said Jane- its sort of what I expected from the start and becoming increasingly aware of that over the last year.
I hate to hijack your thread, Igs, but I just have to write. I'm at the point where jj said. Although it's not terrible, is it good enough to continue? Am I getting enough positive from this relationship to keep risking everything good in my life? In his life?
Most of our communication is via email. Last week he was distant and his responses were short and impersonal. On Friday afternoon, I asked about getting together Tuesday (told him I have 3 hours) and his response is "I'm getting a hair cut". His appt is at the start of my free time. What about the other 2 hours??? I responded "oh" and that was the end of our communication.
We did see each other briefly over the weekend with our spouses for dinner. We usually sit next to each other so we can touch under the table and I tried to sit away from him, but he managed to sit next to me. He tried to touch me and I pulled away. I am just so pissed off and confused over the mixed signals. I think part of it is that I've been telling him that I love him and pressing him to tell me how he feels about me. He said he cares but won't say he loves me.
I always email him on Sunday for Monday but didn't this week and haven't sent an email yet. But neither has he!!! I hate playing games, and never have, but I need something, some reassurance, something to make this all worth it.
I've tried to end it other times but he always talks me into staying. I think he cares but knows and fears the consequences of falling in love. I am just struggling so much. He is so enmeshed in my life, my heart, my soul. Every hour, something happens that I want to share with him. I need to resist the urge to email him and let him reach out to me.
Are we fizzling out? Are we done? Is it worth it to continue? How will I deal with the sadness and mourning with ending this affair?
Hi,
This message goes to both Iggy and Tears....your AP is at a comfortable stage. He knows you are there for him, so he has become lazy. He doesn't like to be reminded to say sweet things, or reminded he is not paying enough attention to you. When he wants you, he pours on the charm and enters the pursuit stage. It is the nature of the beast. There is a book out called "Why men have affairs" understanding the hidden motives of infidelity. This book will show you the 10 common types of affair men, such as the adulteen, the playmate, the sampler and more. It will even show you how long the affair may last and what feelings can bring it to an end. Now grated I know not all affairs are stereo type, as it depends on the nature of both APs.
My best advice is find your balance and enjoy your A for what it is. It gives your peace of mind and heart. I know WAY easier said then done.
Sunny
Hi im_getting_stronger,
I'm sorry that your AP is not giving you what you need at this time...men really ARE just insensitive that way (well, lots of them anyway). Maybe the next time you guys actually do have a conversation, you can tell him (in the nicest way possible, of course) that the operation you had was quite major...and that you really needed some TLC from him, and not just lip service either. I know that doing something like that is easier said than done, but the relief I think you'll feel getting it all out of you could possibly be worth any possible repercussions that might come your way from him.
I've had a hysterectomy as well, and it was HARD. Much harder than my two c-sections as a matter of fact...which I didn't think was possible. I just wanted to say that no matter how well you are feeling, just keep taking it easy. I thought I was recovered in three days and went back to work...if you can imagine! What a mistake that was...I ended up having to take even more extra time off because I pushed myself so hard.
I know it's difficult, but try not to stress too much about AP and concentrate on yourself. When you are completely healed and feeling stronger will be the time to really think about what you want from your R with him. I know how hard it is to think about breaking it off, you get so mad and are SO ready...but then emotions die down and you start thinking that things really aren't that bad, only you will know for sure.
I hope you are getting stronger every day...let your H take 100% care of you, you deserve it. After all, isn't that you've provided him throughout the marriage? Let him do it for as long as you need him to because you really, really don't want to push yourself too hard...it can knock you down faster than Mohammed Ali!
Take care
Glad to hear the surgery went well and that you're on the road to recovery!
anotherseyes
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