I'm back because I never learn.. love is a b&^5tch

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
I'm back because I never learn.. love is a b&^5tch
10
Tue, 04-10-2012 - 8:10am

I'm back after 6 months of no interaction with AP I hear from him again and i am in heaven, yet we have only been together 1 mnonth and i am right back where I started.. heartbroken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010

I'm sorry for your pain Lapoflux but I think you were better off without him during those 6 months of NC. Now you allowed him to enter back in

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011

Thank you for your reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009

My opinion is that.. you are easy and available.. and at his beck and call.. he runs the show.. he makes the calls.. and you follow.. there is not much you can go up if you start at the door mat level..

You are using your feelings (love, heart, etc) to determine the level of respect he needs to show you to be a part of your life.. that level being way low.. and you are excusing him because you love him..

He is not doing anything out of the ordinary.. over all the years, he desires you, he chases you, he gets you, he uses you, and then he's done with you.. as long as you keep coming back to him, not much mystery there in his actions..you exoect that he would think/feel/act somewhat like you do, whereas he is not even close.. you are a fun part of his life, to be had when the time and place works out..

Obviously, this doesn't work for you either.. you either have to find the strength to do the right thing for yourself... or accept that you are weak and don't mind that much being controlled and used like this, and accept this as your fate.. without asking for reasons, justifications or insights into "his" psyche.. because, again, not much mystery there, from where I am looking...

I'd like to think that you actually deserve much much better..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
I am going to be brutally honest here. I went back and read some of your previous postings. You have been in pain and fighting this for some time now. You wrote ( Questons I have: Why would he invest time and money to see me when he doesnt feel the same way?)
He is a sex addict. He is addicted to the thrill and getting away with it. You stroke his ego, with your undying love.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2009
You are all right. My years with him have been painful and more painful than happy days. I know I must stop it, easier said than done. I do love him but I need to find a way to let that go. I think back to things he said to me that weekend and other times and they are mean and cruel but my love for him only allows me to hear the 3 kind words he says in his 20 of mean things. I am not making excuses, I hope someone out there knows what I am going through and how hard this is for me. I know what my heart is telling me but I also know what my mind is saying. I just read about others on the board and their AP and I wish so He was like them:(
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011

lapoflux, I will speak from my experience, but given that I've been in an abusive relationship, I feel yours is as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
jap_lostinlove wrote:
You are all right. My years with him have been painful and more painful than happy days. I know I must stop it, easier said than done. I do love him but I need to find a way to let that go. I think back to things he said to me that weekend and other times and they are mean and cruel but my love for him only allows me to hear the 3 kind words he says in his 20 of mean things. I am not making excuses, I hope someone out there knows what I am going through and how hard this is for me. I know what my heart is telling me but I also know what my mind is saying. I just read about others on the board and their AP and I wish so He was like them:(


This is like saying that I only see the sheepskin although it's pretty worn-out and the wolf underneath is poking out all over!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011

Lapoflux,

You were without him for 6 months, and you survived! Even if you missed him, I bet you felt better for most of those days than you are feeling right now. I know you feel alone, but many people have been where you are and felt what you are feeling. And the only way to stop the pain, is to end this relationship. You know that you can't change him. No amount of love emails and thank you, i miss you texts will change his mind. If anything, this will just make it worse. He

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Lapoflux, I don't post here anymore since I moved over to AAS but your story really resonated with me in so many ways so felt I needed to respond.
My xAP was very similar to this. At times he was the sweetest person, we laughed so much...however at times he said so many mean things. Things that lowered my self esteem enormously. He always did it in a sort of joking way but nonetheless he said it when all I ever gave him was love and respect. We ended when he gave me some huge bruises on my arm...because I 'frustrated him'.
Like you, I ignored the bad and only focussed on the good things. In fact of all the texts he sent the good ones were the only ones I kept.
Now I'm out of this situation I can see it for what it is...it was abuse. He even admitted to it, blamed it on his childhood and yes admitted that he is unable to love anyone.
You need to get out of the situation, you're not happy in it so are you any more unhappy out? You deserve so much more than what this guy gives you. I know it's hard because you remember the good times, but they are few and far between. hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005

lapoflux,

you should stop asking yourself why he dissapeared. It has nothing to do with you. And you need to focus on yourself and build your self-esteem. A person has to treat you well ALL THE TIME. There could be fights and misunderstandings, they could be frustrating, but if the person is mean to you, then something's wrong.

What kind of a person tells you that you spoiled his weekend because your friend didn't come ?? What kind of love is this ? What a jerk !

You have to realise that you deserve better. Maybe because you're not in a good marriage, you don't believe that men who'll treat you better exist, but they do (I think you said that you're going to divorce). He's not the only one out there.

And do concentrate on the negative things about him. It will help you. Nobody is 100% bad, there will always be good things, but they have to outweigh the bad ones and it's not the case here.

Maybe some individual counseling could help you understand as to why you're holding on to his man.