I'm back...NC has ended
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I'm back...NC has ended
| Thu, 10-16-2003 - 11:06pm |
For those of you who don't know, I have been FWOB with an MM for over a year now, I think of him as my best fried. NC began six weeks ago, and the emotional attachment I feel for him is so strong that I have have been very depressed. But today, NC ended. Ahhh, he looked sooooo good, I just wanted to crawl into his arms. We talked for about 10 minutes, talking about his life, my life, how we passed each other in our cars and of course I always had the evil SS with me when I saw him. He wants to see me tomorrow for lunch, but things are so complicated for him, after all his psycho W might be watching. After my last confrontation with her, I discovered someone, (gee, I wonder who?) poured something all over the inside of my car. Sheesh, now that's mature, huh?
As for my H, our last counseling session we spent the whole time fighting, blah. I am trying, but sometimes I just wish he would disappear. I just can't feel any emotional attachment towards my H, after all we've been through I just can't let myself be close to him, or trust him. So I pretend and pretend, and try and try, but damn, I don't want H, I am totally and completely in love with MM, and I have never been more sure, but I just know that it's such an impossible situation with MM, with his W, his kids, my H, my DD. Life just sucks.
Well as you all can see, I'm mixed up as usual.

Wow, I feel like I've missed a chapter in your story (though I don't have the time to frequent the board like I used to and maybe missed something).
I'm sorry the last counselling session with H didn't go well - have you gotten any where with other sessions? It's ok, even healthy, to argue sometimes as long as it is arguing one's point and not about degrading the other imho. Hopefully your "impartial" counselor is helping to facilitate the arguing so it is productive arguing. I remember you've been working for a while on your M - maybe a break is in order...all work and no play...
So, you have admitted to yourself that you are in love with MM...you've been fighting that for a while, eh? Ain't love grand? Truly, I mean that - one should always celebrate being in love, or loving - life is short and it would be miserable to go through it without loving.
It seems you are emphasizing the *situation* rather than the *person*. One of the things I have learned of relationships (tho I'm no expert, lol, have lots of learning to go!), through my A and MM and the board, is that it is more important to consider who you are in the relationship with, rather than where the relationship is going, for me anyway. It isn't a given that if both you and MM were single that you would have a comitted/exclusive relationship...and you can have no idea where your relationship would go now - so in light of that, I would say enjoy what MM brings to your life, appreciate what you bring to his, and enjoy one day at a time.
Itty, Life doesn't suck, just some Circumstances some of the times. And, I've never considered from your posts before that you are mixed up - but then, we are all entitled to confusion, especially when it involves the opposite sex!
Take some time out for you, Itty! Nice to "see" you again.
Meow
Like Meow, I have been lurking lately with a few random posts. Good to see you, even though I'm sorry to hear that things are not going as well with H as I know you hoped.
What did the W put in your car? I remember your description of running into her, and you would both certainly have your hands full trying to maintain your R around her... ugh.
Keep us posted on how you're feeling. I do believe you could wake up tomorrow and feel 100% different, and I think what Meow says is really applicable: keep your eye on the man and not the definition of the R... anyway, I'm sure the man is more fun to keep an eye on!
In the meantime, best wishes to you! Looking forward to catching up with you and hearing more... so, *are* you having lunch w/him or not?
lily
It's so nice that I can come back here and get such positive feedback from you both.
And yes, you are both right, I should just focus on the man, hmmm, yes, Lily, he is fun to watch. Lol. As for my H and I, we fought again last night, he keeps screaming at me about the bills and money. He is so stressed all the time that I am worried he will have a heart attack. Last night he brought up divorce again, several times. I am truly starting to believe that that is what H wants. H says he has feelings too, and I asked him, "How am I supposed to know that you have feelings, when the only emotion you ever show is anger?" The only thing he ever talks about is money. We never spend time together and when we do, he is watching TV or fretting over our bills. I am trying to help him with bills, I am working full time and just took a second part time job to help even more. Well, ok ok, enough of that, blah!!
As for what MM's W put in my car, I have no idea, but it smelled like sour milk, gag!! My whole carpet in the back of my car was soaked with it.
And yeah, I think I will go meet MM for lunch, what the hell, might as well go for the gusto! (And he has alot of Gusto!! lol) But there are no guarantees that he will be there, he told me it depended on which job site he was working at.
So how are you both doing? I haven't been here lately, and have had no time to catch up.
Love,
Carmen