I'm the betrayed; quick??, no bashing

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
I'm the betrayed; quick??, no bashing
9
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 1:14pm
I have a question for the OW. Quick review. My H and I together for 16 years. Married very young. H had affair with coworker several years ago, lasted about 2 yrs. I had no idea. People keep telling me there should have been signs, sorry I just did not see them. H always loving towards me.(Guess only sign would be that he became a little distant during that time). He claims it just happened. He was not feeling wanted by me and she chased him. Said it happened a couple of times, and then he tried to get out, but she threatened to call me, and so began their so-called on and off again relationship. He said he finally tried to end things for good and told her he did not care about her threats. Things were left alone for several months, and then my H and I were purchasing a new home, and whole company knew and she found out, and alas, the phone call came. She had supposed friend call me(however, sounded like her now that I recognize her voice, still have never met or seen her) The phone call was very hurtful. She was very vicious and said horrible things to me about keeping my H on a leash. She actually had my home called twice in one weekend. She also threatened me. Needless to say, I was sick to my stomach, hurt and confused (not to mention had been going through fertility for almost a year, trying to get pregnant for almost four years). My sister spoke with her(sister very angry) and the person claims she did not mean to hurt me, just wanted to ruin his life, because she does not need to be hurt anymore. I do not know this person, I did not cause the affair, and forgive me for saying this, but I am not at all concerned about her hurt and pain. I feel she brought this on herself. I am not throwing stones, I have friends involved in extra-marital relationships, (which I do not believe in, but I understand what they are going through). Now, for once, I am on the receiving end, and my feelings towards this subject have changed. I simply want to know if any of you have ever contacted the wife or spouse and what your reasoning was for doing so, and if you had any idea the pain that you may have caused the innocent party involved. I do not understand why this person would be so cruel towards me for something that I have no control over. My anger with this person probably would have subsided now (since being a year), except for the way I was attacked. I have never confronted this person(actually, am a bit afraid of her, she does not sound very stable). I am grateful that I did found out, because obviously H would never have told me, but not in the manner in which I found out. Have any of you ever been confronted by spouse??? How did you handle situation. I am still very confused, and though may be would get some answers from the OW's point of view.

Thank you in advance for any responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 1:25pm
Hi trish

A better place for you to get answers would probably be the All Sides of An Affair Board. Here's a link:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rbmyaffair


I would never want to cause the man I am involved with ANY pain -- him or the people he loves. That I just don't understand. So I can't help you. I am truly sorry for the pain your H and the OW caused you.

Good Luck,

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 2:23pm
i agree with charlotte, trish, i would never hurt anyone in this situation, especially the man i love. and i've said exactly that to the man i am involved with.

it seems to me that the OW in your life is extremely unstable, resentful and very angry. she can't take it out on your H for whatever reason, so she blames you and reacts accordingly. that is totally wrong because you are the innocent party in all this.

i'm sorry you've been hurt and are upset. get caller id if you don't already have it and screen your calls until you feel safe. if she continues harassing you, get a court order restraining her from calling your home, cell phone, office, whatever. generally, you have to go to your local District Court for this.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 2:52pm
I am so sorry this happened to you. There is a code that people in A's have, and that's NEVER to contact the SO/DH/DW in an attempt to hurt someone. I would NEVER tell MM's DW a thing about us. It's just TABOO.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 3:28pm
All kinds of people have affairs, which means that some have rational and considerate heads on our shoulders, and unfortunately, others are immature and vengeful. I'm sorry your H's OW was the latter. I personally, like the other posters have said, would *never* contact MM's W. In fact, even though I've only met her a handful of times, part of the guilt I feel in my A is for her...she seems like a genuinely nice person and deserves to be happy. And I don't want to carry around the knowledge that I've inflicted the pain of sharing that information with someone else. That is for MM to do, when and if he deems it necessary.

Good luck and peace to you...

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 3:48pm
MM came after me, pursued me very aggressively, but I have the feeling if push came to shove, he'd probably tell W I pursued him, that he tried to call it off, etc. I'd probably do the same if H found out. I'd do everything to minimize my participation in the A...make it look like he was the bad guy. And, honestly, despite the fact that he initially pursued me, I'm just as guilty as he is. Your H's OW was not holding a gun to his head, forcing him to sleep with her. At some point in the A, he pursued her, he called her, he initiated sex, whatever... The issue is between you and H, not this OW. Deal with why your H did this, what was lacking in his life that this woman preyed upon. It's real easy to look at the OW as this horrible entity that set out to destroy your life, but it's never quite that black and white, as I've learned from being on this side of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 5:24pm
I am not looking at the OW as the horrible entity in the A. I am fully aware of my H's participation in the affair. I am certainly not that naive, and I absolutely do not believe all that my H has to say in this matter. I am not blaming the OW for the affair, the blame lies with my H. I am blaming the OW for the manner in which she handled the situation and set out to personally attack me (because of apparent jealousy)because she could not have what she wanted. Obviously, my H did call off the affair, because she continued to pursue him (witnessed by others). She obviously is a very needy person who does not want to let go. I am not saying that all people involved in extramarital affairs behave in this manner, I simply questioned if anyone here has made contact with the Spouse and for what reason (what did they hope to accomplish by it) so that I may try understand a little more about this person, so that I may be able to let go of the anger that I have for OW and H. As to what was lacking in my H's marriage. That is his issue; not mine. It takes two to make a marriage, yes, and it takes two to work on keeping a marriage strong. However, it only takes ONE to have the affair becuase they lack the nerve to confront their issues and try to make their situation better. I will take responsiblity for the marital issues we have had, although not aware of some. This has enlightened me. However, I will not take any blame for affair. I realize this is between my husband and I. However, this OW was a part of his life for two years, and I deserve to have my questions answered in order for me to be able to move forward whether I decide to stay or go! Judging by the way this OW chooses to behave, it is apparent to me that my husband was partially telling truth, when he stated that she harassed him. I am happy to hear that is not the situation in your case, and I am glad to hear that not all OW or OM behave in this manner. I am a good person and feel for others, and could neve hurt someone as I had been hurt.

Thanks for responses. Well appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 10:39am
Lilah,

As much as I agree w/what you posted, I must say that OW had no business contacting DW. That was just mean, vengeful, and heartless. DW didn't know OW from Adam. OW's beef was w/MM and that's whom she should have taken up her beef with. In this particular situation, OW took DW hostage to get back at MM.

Trish, again I'm very sorry this OW contacted you the way she did. With time your pain will subside. In the meantime, be strong, love yourself, and seek out the good in your DH. There is hope for your marriage if you want it to work.

Take care.

Laugh Smiles

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 11:36am
Dear Trish, I am so sorry for the hurt and pain that your H's OW has inflected upon your world. Not to mention your H! Trust me I never thought for one minute that I would have been involved in an EMA. But this is not about me it's about you. I hope that you will find the strength with-in your self to not let this woman affect you and how you feel about yourself. I agree with the other girls she sounds like a very unstable individual. I'm not certain as to what your plans are for your h but I hope that you can everything out. You sound as though you still love him. I wish you all the luck in the world and if you ever need to talk feel free to buzz me. Best of luck to you! NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sun, 11-09-2003 - 3:41pm
hi - where are you? how are you??