I'm dead inside now that it's over..help
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| Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:51am |
He called me 5 times a day afterwards for 2 weeks...We'd talk, he would tell me how much he missed me and by the end of the 2 weeks, we were even saying I love you. Even though obviously we couldn't since we only were together once, It felt that way on both our parts. He is from Brazil and is 10 years younger than I am. He was so passionate and loving and those 2 weeks I would get butterflies when my phone rang (cell phone), I would sleep with it, he'd call int he middle of the night. It was great. More than great. I can't even describe it. I never wanted it to end. And then he just stopped calling one day. He doesn't have a phone so I can't get in touch with him very easily. My best friend is dating his best friend. They live 2 hours away so she goes to see him every weekend. Every weekend she comes home and I wait and ache to see if he's asked about me. Every weekend she says he avoids her. He's never around anymore. He said to her boyfriend that he can't see me so what's the point (distance, marriage, etc.) I understand that but it's just killing me to the core that he just ended it by not calling anymore. His last words to me were "i love you baby, more than anything..." and then NOTHING EVER AGAIN. It's absolutely killing me. I cry all the time. I feel so foolish acting like this but I cannot help it. I miss him like crazy. I dream of him and I long for him like you wouldn't even know. I just don't know why he would stop calling. He could have told me that he couldnt' go on like this or SOMETHING. But nothing. That is the part that hurts me the most. To be taken to a place closest to heaven that I've ever felt and then crash down to earth with the hardest bang, I'm crying all the time and I feel like I've gone crazy. Please advise me, anyone. I'm a mess and I have no one to confide in. I miss him so badly every bone in my body aches. I am a mess.

And, frankly, he makes a whole lot of sense to me. You are completely unavailable for this extramarital affair. You have 3 kids, one on the way, you cannot possible think this will work out.
I understand that you are feeling rejected but he is doing what he has to do. No one really breaks up in a good way.
Focus on your new baby and family. Maybe you are your husband can become close again.
Good luck.
I think I am more sympathatic than your other posters.
I appreciate what you are going through, and I wish there
were something I could tell you that would help. Your
heart will not listen to reason, I know, so it will just
have to go on hurting. You will not die, it will just hurt.
I do agree with the advice you have gotten. When reason
returns you will see that he was the wrong age for you and
you were committed to another. It was a rush, a tremendous
ego boost, a brief time of incredible passion, but inevitably
you knew it couldn't last. You do know that.
So if it couldn't last, the end would have come one day. We
can quibble about how it should have ended, but it was fated
from the start. I agree that it is very difficult to tell
someone goodbye. To tell someone you care for, that you have
slept with, "I love you with all my heart, and by the way, I
am never going to see you again." I can't make those words
happen either.
A clean break may be abrupt, it may seem harsh, but in many
ways it is the least cruel option. I even asked for this
resolution when OW and I started. I told her when she felt it
was over to end it quickly and cleanly, that I would not
mistake her mercy for cruelty. I promised to do the same.
Of course she didn't listen, and neither did I...
I will place a time on your pain. I think in a year you will
have gained perspective, and the pain will be replaced by a
rosy glow of a great memory. You will relapse occasionally,
but the times you feel OK and do not think of him and the A
will gradually grow longer and longer. You may even come to
smile and laugh at yourself and your actions. Time will heal
you. For now though, it will hurt, it will not kill you, and
you will get over it. You are not alone, I think all of us
have experienced the pain, and we have mostly all outlived it.
Someday it may be a wonderful memory to comfort you.
It may help you to consider this entire experience one of
personal growth. I know you have gained many insights on
yourself, your personality, your needs, and what you are
capable of. Sit quietly and think about what you have
learned. It is senseless to endure pain and not extract
some profit from it. Turn this into a learning experience.
I would caution you that you are vulnerable right now. Do not
run out and find another A to ease your pain. You do see the
cycle here, don't you?
As Yoga said, there is a sure way to avoid the pain, but I
am sympathetic and understand you nonetheless.
Good luck to you...