I'm dead inside now that it's over..help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
I'm dead inside now that it's over..help
5
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:51am
I had a one night stand a month ago with a man much younger than me. I am married, unhappily, with 3 children and one on the way. I met this kid and the attraction on both of our parts was uncontrollable. It was the best night I've ever had in my life. We connected, it was chemistry like I've never felt before in my life.

He called me 5 times a day afterwards for 2 weeks...We'd talk, he would tell me how much he missed me and by the end of the 2 weeks, we were even saying I love you. Even though obviously we couldn't since we only were together once, It felt that way on both our parts. He is from Brazil and is 10 years younger than I am. He was so passionate and loving and those 2 weeks I would get butterflies when my phone rang (cell phone), I would sleep with it, he'd call int he middle of the night. It was great. More than great. I can't even describe it. I never wanted it to end. And then he just stopped calling one day. He doesn't have a phone so I can't get in touch with him very easily. My best friend is dating his best friend. They live 2 hours away so she goes to see him every weekend. Every weekend she comes home and I wait and ache to see if he's asked about me. Every weekend she says he avoids her. He's never around anymore. He said to her boyfriend that he can't see me so what's the point (distance, marriage, etc.) I understand that but it's just killing me to the core that he just ended it by not calling anymore. His last words to me were "i love you baby, more than anything..." and then NOTHING EVER AGAIN. It's absolutely killing me. I cry all the time. I feel so foolish acting like this but I cannot help it. I miss him like crazy. I dream of him and I long for him like you wouldn't even know. I just don't know why he would stop calling. He could have told me that he couldnt' go on like this or SOMETHING. But nothing. That is the part that hurts me the most. To be taken to a place closest to heaven that I've ever felt and then crash down to earth with the hardest bang, I'm crying all the time and I feel like I've gone crazy. Please advise me, anyone. I'm a mess and I have no one to confide in. I miss him so badly every bone in my body aches. I am a mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 11:51am
I want to tell you that things will be okay.

And, frankly, he makes a whole lot of sense to me. You are completely unavailable for this extramarital affair. You have 3 kids, one on the way, you cannot possible think this will work out.

I understand that you are feeling rejected but he is doing what he has to do. No one really breaks up in a good way.

Focus on your new baby and family. Maybe you are your husband can become close again.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 12:21pm
I know it hurts. But it will hurt less in time. It was real to you, yes, I know it was. But the reality of the situation did not let it continue. Please allow yourself to mourn the loss of something that made you feel so good and it WILL pass. I promise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 12:22pm
It hurts. We all know that pain. Some of us go through a constant roller-coaster ride; some of us, like you, are lucky enough to have a bunch of happiness with one clean break at the end. Yes, it seems like he was the love of your life and maybe he was. But the timing was wrong and if he knows you're pregnant, I think very highly of him for backing off as he did. He did the right thing -- for both of you. Yes, he could have called and said goodbye but you know as well as he probably did that it wouldn't have been that easy. It's too difficult to be strong when you're hearing the person's voice. Time will ease the pain. You need to take this time to investigate what it is about your marriage that makes you unhappy and why you are staying. Focus on the baby, on your children, and try to find the good in your husband before it's too late. Believe me, EMAs are not the way to go if you don't like having your heart broken. Take the exit this man has provided you and try to avoid letting it happen again. If not, this won't be the last time you feel this pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 12:52pm
Dear Celefebvre,

I think I am more sympathatic than your other posters.

I appreciate what you are going through, and I wish there

were something I could tell you that would help. Your

heart will not listen to reason, I know, so it will just

have to go on hurting. You will not die, it will just hurt.

I do agree with the advice you have gotten. When reason

returns you will see that he was the wrong age for you and

you were committed to another. It was a rush, a tremendous

ego boost, a brief time of incredible passion, but inevitably

you knew it couldn't last. You do know that.

So if it couldn't last, the end would have come one day. We

can quibble about how it should have ended, but it was fated

from the start. I agree that it is very difficult to tell

someone goodbye. To tell someone you care for, that you have

slept with, "I love you with all my heart, and by the way, I

am never going to see you again." I can't make those words

happen either.

A clean break may be abrupt, it may seem harsh, but in many

ways it is the least cruel option. I even asked for this

resolution when OW and I started. I told her when she felt it

was over to end it quickly and cleanly, that I would not

mistake her mercy for cruelty. I promised to do the same.

Of course she didn't listen, and neither did I...

I will place a time on your pain. I think in a year you will

have gained perspective, and the pain will be replaced by a

rosy glow of a great memory. You will relapse occasionally,

but the times you feel OK and do not think of him and the A

will gradually grow longer and longer. You may even come to

smile and laugh at yourself and your actions. Time will heal

you. For now though, it will hurt, it will not kill you, and

you will get over it. You are not alone, I think all of us

have experienced the pain, and we have mostly all outlived it.

Someday it may be a wonderful memory to comfort you.

It may help you to consider this entire experience one of

personal growth. I know you have gained many insights on

yourself, your personality, your needs, and what you are

capable of. Sit quietly and think about what you have

learned. It is senseless to endure pain and not extract

some profit from it. Turn this into a learning experience.

I would caution you that you are vulnerable right now. Do not

run out and find another A to ease your pain. You do see the

cycle here, don't you?

As Yoga said, there is a sure way to avoid the pain, but I

am sympathetic and understand you nonetheless.

Good luck to you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 10:24pm
wow sweetie.. I know how you are feeling right now. I've been feeling dead inside since last weekend. MM's W found out about his A this weekend. and we're at a crossroads right now- do we end it, or continue, and do it as carefully as we can? we love each other so much...and I am in so much pain right now. I'm taking antidepressants, xanax, etc and still drinking to numb the pain. of course, my H is suffering too, although he has no idea what's going on with me. no clue whatsoever. he just think I'm depressed. I'm supposed to see MM for lunch tomorrow and that was when I was going to end it forever, but I can't make up my mind. I'm not ready to lose him yet, he's not ready to lose me. we love each other so much. his W wants them to go to marriage counseling- how can he do that and still see me? I know what I have to do- I have to end it. but I'm not strong enough to do it. I'm not ready. I love him. god, he is everything to me. Just know that you are not the only one out there hurting tonight sweetie. I'm sending you hugs and hugs. we'll get through this somehow.