I'm desperate....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
I'm desperate....
4
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:51am
I feel like my world is crashing around me. I have been married to my H for 6 years. I questioned if I really loved him right before the wedding. He was a good man who was very stable financially and I was a single mother struggling. For the past 6 years we basically just went our seperate ways. We didn't vacation together, he really didn't involve himself in my life or my daughter's. We really only had S*X once every couple months. I can remember lying in bed at night silently crying because I just felt so unwanted.

Like I said he was a good man he just really didn't pay any attention to me. I never felt like he he cared at all about me. After a couple years the resentment set in with me. We never really argue but we don't really communicate either.

My daughter is involved in an activity that consumes almost ALL of my free time. Well of course, you can guess now comes in the MM. His child is also involved in this activity and we've been friends because of this for about 6 years. We have occassion to see eachother almost everyday and also spend alot of weekends away. Yes, are kids are there but his wife and my H have never involved themselves at all. So here we are two lonely friends that start a relationship. BAM!!!!!! I can't ever remember feeling SO special, so loved in all my life. He is the most attractive, sexy man I've ever met. He is already in the process of a divorce. He makes me realize how dead I have felt for all these years.

After my marriage lost that loving feeling with H I had came to the conclusion that this was as good as it gets and me and H were going to be together forever just because that is how it's supposed to be. We also have a 3 year old son.

Here is the problem....... I decide that I can't live in the loveless marriage anymore. It even has gotten to the point where I don't even find H attractive anymore. The closer I get to MM the farther away I want from H. I tell H that I have fallen out of love with him because of the lack of love and attention. To my surprise he is SHOCKED that I feel this way. He says he loves me and that I am his entire world. Now comes the guilt. I don't want to stay married but I can't seem to leave. I feel SO bad. I can't answer the question if I love H or not. It sounds so crazy but I just don't know. We even tried counseling but it made it worse. She just brought up issues from the past that just made me angrier. He's trying SO hard to be a loving husband. My fear is if I stay I will never be truely happy or If I go I will be making the biggest mistake of my life. MM is so supportive. We have no future plans to be together. We just enjoy eachother for the moment. We have a great friendship. But MM also tells me that my bad marriage is what threw us into a relationship and If I truely loved my H I wouldn't be with him. Any light? Any words of wisdom? I need something to grasp onto to help me make the right decision. I don't know if I can hurt H but I can't imagine a day without mm. If I could go back 8 years MM would be my H now. I feel like we were made for eachother. But have I already made a choice I should stick too?

Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:58am
Hey secretpal... I think you are between a rock and a hard place right now. Like I have advised other posters, you can not leave a relationship for another relationship and magically expect a happy ending. I sincerely feel that the only way you can be true to yourself is to leave with the anticipation of standing on your own.

Obviously there are some deep rooted emotional burdens in your marriage that are going to hurt if you uproot them but that's now things get fixed. Perhaps you need to revisit the counselor to be certain that you are ready to close the door on your marriage and move on...it doesnt sound like you are yet.

On a final note....ALWAYS remember the grass always looks greener on the other side...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 10:22am
It sounds to me like you and your H are basically living separate lives right now and have been for a while. That's not a marriage...that's an arrangement. You share a house, share bills, share a child, but do you really share a life? I think you have to take some time to decide what you want. Is there someone you can move in with for a while, maybe a trial separation, to decide if you can stand on your own? You'll hear repeatedly here that you should never leave your marriage for the other person. You leave your marriage because it's not working, establish a life for yourself, then decide if the OM is going to be a part of that. If your H really hasn't been a part of your daughter's life for this long of a time, it's possible the separation won't surprise her. Heck, she may even see him MORE if an arrangement forces him to spend every other weekend with her or whatever. Have you thought about individual counseling? It's possible H is just panicking because he's realized life as he knows it is going to change. He's probably gotten comfortable with the way things are and you're coming in, talking about upsetting the apple cart. Or maybe he does deeply love you, but that is not the issue here. The issue is that YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM. If you're sure of that, how could it ever be a mistake? But I do sense some hints in your post that attention is what you were craving and OM gave that to you. If that's the case, are you absolutely sure you don't love H and that you love OM? The attention can be enticing but the worse thing you could do would be to leave your current situation, marry OM, and then decide that once all the dust settles down this marriage is really no better than your last. Whatever you decide to do, commit to it, do it, and don't ever look back. Regrets are a total waste of energy.
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 11:27am
i was in A *VERY* similar situation as you!! i could not leave my H FOR my MM. There was too much uncertainty as to whether MM would end up w/ me. But, i *was* unhappily married and things were getting worse incredibly quickly. So i thought long and hard about whether i wanted to be married. i tried to seperate the feelings i had regarding my M and my MM. i knew if i left "for" MM i was setting myself up for major disappointment if it didn't work out. i also knew i had to be okay with at leas the possibility of my being alone. i would not find myself w/o a H and w/o my MM and regret it. i did much thinking and decided i would be happier alone then in my M if it came down to that. i believe MM gave me the strength and support and encouragement and companionship i needed to have the strenth to leave the M. But that doesn't mean i was leaving FOR him. i believe with all my heart and soul i made the right decision.

My H played the "shocked" card too, but how shocked can he be?? Neither one of us were acting like happy people.... i tried to leave a year before... i told him i was miserable. Our marriage counselor (we went one time) said it happened all the time. Us women try to tell our men what's bothering us and that the end is near. They assume we'll stay and we aren't "that" upset. Eventually we say we are leaving then they want to try. Well by then, us women are too tired to try anymore. We've BEEN trying, afterall.

i would think, if you are not sure if you love him, then that's probably a "no". Maybe you USED to love him, maybe you love the OLD him, maybe you love the idea of him, maybe you love the idea of marriage. But i would venture to say none of these enough are going to render your feeling fulfilled.

But i also think (JMHO) that leaving for MM is a HUGE step, and no matter what he says (God knows i know this one) he may not leave his W for you and he may not end up with you. Does that mean stay married?? No, it means if you leave, leave for you.

Sorry this got so long

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 11:19am
secretpal hey your situation sounds alot like what im going thru but im involded with a sm and im married for 20 years, i guess what i have learned is that you cant leave your marriage for another man, i did this 4 years ago and then came back home to husband after i had 2nd thoughts. Today 4 years later everything thing is still the same way for me, im not in love with husband still seeing the sm and at this point considering divorce for myself because of the feelings i have for sm. Its hard to do it for yourself but only you know what you feel in your heart.