I'm doing it....I'm filing

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
I'm doing it....I'm filing
63
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:22am
My H and I had a big fight last night...the final straw, so to speak. He is a very angry, domineering person and can be quite cruel to me and the kids. His anger has gotten to the point where I am almost afraid to be around him. My stomach knots up just thinking about going home to face him tonight. I'm going to play it cool for a few days in order to retain an attorney, find an apartment, and arrange to have a day off work to get everything moved. I'm even going to have the papers served while I'm moving out in order to have a police officer at my house in case he shows up. I'm even going to try to obtain a restraining order against him because of his anger. Have any of you ever gone through this type of situation? My MM is very supportive of me...he knows I am doing this for me and the kids...he knows it's not for him. But in him, I have found a wonderful listener and a person with the background and education to give me good advice. If I didn't have him right now, it would be so easy to fall apart. I am grateful for each of you, as well. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:43am
Hey I am in the exact postion you are in right now! And I mean exactly! Down to the MM and his support. Though I am not afraid of H, my MM wants me to get a restraining order to get him out of the house. Why are you leaving, make him. You will probably keep the kids right? Then don't leave the house!! You can get the order and the cops will come with him to get a few things and then he has to leave. Just do not leave your house. It sounds like you have everything thought out, and you need to get it all done. You have the upper hand on this before he does. I know its hard to be around him, i can barely stand it on some days too. You are a strong woman who has finally had enough, and has taken matters in her hands, now finish the job and get on with your new free life!! Let us know what happens!! Good luck, and be glad you have a good man on your side.


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Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:16am
i just went through all this last fall. i left with the support of my MM and couldn't do it without him, HONESTLY. People thought i left FOR MM, but i really just wasn't "strong" enough to do it on my own. It's hard but he has made so much easier, and i feel "free" of my marriage on a daily basis. The only problem is besides MM, i am not sure i'll ever get married again!!! Good luck, we usually know when it's time to leave :)

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:24am
NRY, take good care of yourself honey -- and be safe. Sounds like you are taking all the appropriate steps. I got out of an abusive relationship about 15 years ago, doing just what you are now. It was rocky for awhile. H kept coming back and 'getting' more of 'his' belongings till I ended up with my son, my clothes and a double bed. But you know what? It was worth it! I just wanted out at that point. Your kids are going to go through some stuff too, so keep them under your wings. Even though the relationship was abusive, at one point my son wanted to go back to dad. That lasted one visit. A little yelling and anger and he was done. They just have their own time table, and they will need to come to their own conclusions. I would caution you to be careful of what you say about H in front of them, and don't introduce MM to anyone (especially the kids) till a good amount of time passes. Again, honey -- take care of yourself and be safe. Hugs!


Edited 3/9/2004 11:42 am ET ET by saturdaysister
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:32am
No, never had to deal with a crazy/abusive person before. My H has done somethings that might not have been exactly great, but he would never do anything physically - like hit me or shove me. He knows that I would leave him if it ever came to that. We have thrown things at each other in a fight..lol but nothing more than that. Good luck with you upcoming divorce and move.


Edited 3/9/2004 11:36:58 AM ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:34am
Wow. I feel so terrible reading these posts. I had no idea so many of you had been in abusive relationships. There are few things that make me feel physically violent, but men hurting their wives and/or children makes me furious. How could anyone emotionally or physically abuse those they claim to love? I couldn't do that even to someone I hate.

Regardless, I'm so glad you are escaping this horrible situation NMR and that the rest of you have gotten out of your abusive relationships as well. These men don't deserve you.

I also feel both bad and good about my own situation after reading this. Bad because I am leaving a relationship that isn't abusive or even contentious for the most part. We never fight because there isn't enough there. She loves me and I care for her, but she lacks the commitment to her values or the need to communicate enough. It's like we're living in different worlds. I feel good because I know that when I do leave, I can count on her handling the custody situation the right way. I believe we will be able to remain friends for the sake of the children and hopefully both move in healthy ways.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck NMR. I tend to think you should try to stay in that house if possible. But if you can't or you feel it would make things more difficult, then do what you feel is best. Just be very careful. As I've said before, I don't pray, but I'll wish you and your children safety and happiness. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:21pm
Best of wishes to you NRY, my heart goes out to you. I know that knot in the stomach feeling. I had it this weekend when H flipped out on me for something stupid, started yelling at me, broke a plate and then threw a steak bone at me. I was really scared.

I almost left him several months ago but then chickened out.

I hope you remain brave enough to leave. Its not easy, I've been D'd 1x already, but haven't made the decision yet to leave #2.

Its good that you have MM to help you emotionally etc. while you're going thru this.

My first time around, I was all alone and it was very hard. Good luck to you honey,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:24pm
Thank you for all the support and kindess each of you have shown me. The reason I am moving out with the kids is because the house is on H's father's property. I don't want the house...I want out. My own father has a place for me to live after school is out (the reason I'm getting an apartment is so I don't have to pull my son out of school this late into the year). So, I will have my own house for the children...I just have to live in an apartment for about 3 months, but it's so much better than where we are now. My MM asked me the same thing about the house....not to move out, but he understands the situation better now. I actually went and looked at apartments today during my lunch hour and I'm already feeling calmer...seeing myself actually taking the steps. Thank you all so very much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:30pm
dusty, are you okay honey?

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:32pm

noregrets -- girl, when you get to that point of being calm and picturing yourself living elsewhere, you are ready to go!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:37pm
You know what, gurl? My H just called me on the phone and apologized for last night...how he's been behaving and all that. I said, "okay." It's just so sad that he thinks I'll accept that apology knowing another blow up will surely happen down the road, like always. What's sad is that up until this point, I've been believing it. I have to stand up for my kids, if not for myself! I wish I could give all of you a great big group hug! I am ready for my future.....my happy future! I don't know how MM will end up in my future, but my kids and I will be free and happy.

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