I'm doing it....I'm filing

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
I'm doing it....I'm filing
63
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:22am
My H and I had a big fight last night...the final straw, so to speak. He is a very angry, domineering person and can be quite cruel to me and the kids. His anger has gotten to the point where I am almost afraid to be around him. My stomach knots up just thinking about going home to face him tonight. I'm going to play it cool for a few days in order to retain an attorney, find an apartment, and arrange to have a day off work to get everything moved. I'm even going to have the papers served while I'm moving out in order to have a police officer at my house in case he shows up. I'm even going to try to obtain a restraining order against him because of his anger. Have any of you ever gone through this type of situation? My MM is very supportive of me...he knows I am doing this for me and the kids...he knows it's not for him. But in him, I have found a wonderful listener and a person with the background and education to give me good advice. If I didn't have him right now, it would be so easy to fall apart. I am grateful for each of you, as well. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:46pm
Stay strong - you are doing the right thing. I am not religious (even though sometimes I wish I were) and can't offer you my prayers, but I wish you all the best.
Avatar for basic431
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:57pm
Omaha,

You ARE emotionally abusing your wife RIGHT NOW. The only difference is that she doesn't yet know it. In a sense you also may be physically abusing her because UNLESS you wore a condom with your mistress before your wife got pregnant and haven't had sex with your wife since you resumed a sexual relationship with your mistress, you've risked her health, your unborn child's health and normal development and as far as I'm concerned, that's abuse.

Now I know that sounds harsh, which is not my intention, but I have to wonder from reading your posts if you have really thought things through as much as you say. Oftentimes, I think, we're so close to and entangled in our own lives and the emotions of living, that we have difficulty looking objectively at both the bigger picture and its core issues.

Some would tell you it's better to have someone yelling at you or criticizing you constantly (emotional abuse) than cheating on you behind your back (also emotional abuse).

Some would rather be slapped upside the head (physical abuse) than have themselves or their unborn child potentially exposed to herpes or HIV or HPV (which A LOT of people have).

You have the right to have an affair. I'm not disputing that at all, but don't think that having one isn't abusive because it is.

Take care,

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:35pm
Omaha - see? There it goes again, just like I told you yesterday. You are always having to defend yourself...

I appreciated your kind words to me...it's nice to hear advice from both men and women. Continue posting and allowing your friends...the ones who understand you and continue to feed off of you and offer our support to you.

I am glad you are on the boards. Thanks for being my friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:44pm
I agree, he has been beaten around here much too much. Don't defend yourself anymore omaha!! People who post nasty things about you don't know anything about you. Remember that! Keep Posting....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:52pm
Anne,

I appreciate your viewpoint. I don't claim to be perfect and I know that I have hurt my W on more than on occasion. She has done the same to me. And I don't feel the need to address the issue of protection because I am a mature and responsible parent who would never endanger the life of my child or spouse.

As far as whether I have thought things through, I have thousands of times over. Have I done it sufficiently for you? I have no idea and I couldn't care less. You don't know me. You don't know my W. You don't know my situation other than what I've described in some posts on this board. You're assuming I haven't thought things through. Well you're wrong. I'll admit that at first I very nearly did leave without giving myself time and distance from the OW. But I changed my mind and now I feel at peace with my decision.

I have been unfaithful and it isn't something I'm proud of. I don't know whether you have ever been unfaithful yourself or not, but it seems you're being awfully judgmental of me considering the type of board this is. I fully intend on being the type of partner and spouse I can be if I ever choose to get married again. I personally don't ever want to have another affair again. But that is my choice. I will never yell or criticize someone I love because I'm not a mean, hateful person. If that is what you prefer, I'm sure you'll have no problem finding that type of man.

If having an affair is abusive in your mind (which I don't necessarily disagree with), then why is it you're only accusing me of this abuse? Why not everyone else on this board? Again, I find it almost comical that since I am a man who is open and honest on this board and finally open and honest with myself I get attacked. It is fine, I can defend myself. But I often wonder if those doing the attacking aren't projecting a bit. Have you asked yourself why you feel hostility towards me? Perhaps you should.

Moderator
Registered: 12-12-2002
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:28pm

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Avatar for basic431
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:30pm
Omaha,

I took great care to make my post amicable, rather than hostile.

This is hostile: You saying you would never abuse someone you love is hypocritical considering the abuse you are currently inflicting upon your wife, albeit behind her back.

The reason I didn't post the latter is because I don't think you want her to hurt, but I think you also need to realize that when the truth comes out, she will hurt. It will still be a knife that cuts. And it will have come from your hand.

I wish you were able to look more deeply and see that what I'm saying is indeed supportive (If you have any desire to lessen her pain when the time comes, you will have to be able to ackowledge her suffering for what it is--a form of abuse. And I'd think you'd be wise to do this considering you'll have a parenting relationship for the rest of your lives.) rather than scathing because as I said in my original post, that is not my intention.

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:31pm
I hope I didn't violate any rules. I was trying to respond in an honest and mature way. I appreciate the presence of this board and its members and I always try to participate and contribute. Thank you for keeping this board a safe and helpful place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:39pm
Why bother? Why do you even feel the need to defend yourself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:41pm

anne -- we appreciate your input here on the board in its proper venue, discussion and support.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

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