I'm doing it....I'm filing
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I'm doing it....I'm filing
| Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:22am |
My H and I had a big fight last night...the final straw, so to speak. He is a very angry, domineering person and can be quite cruel to me and the kids. His anger has gotten to the point where I am almost afraid to be around him. My stomach knots up just thinking about going home to face him tonight. I'm going to play it cool for a few days in order to retain an attorney, find an apartment, and arrange to have a day off work to get everything moved. I'm even going to have the papers served while I'm moving out in order to have a police officer at my house in case he shows up. I'm even going to try to obtain a restraining order against him because of his anger. Have any of you ever gone through this type of situation? My MM is very supportive of me...he knows I am doing this for me and the kids...he knows it's not for him. But in him, I have found a wonderful listener and a person with the background and education to give me good advice. If I didn't have him right now, it would be so easy to fall apart. I am grateful for each of you, as well. Thank you.

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You know what I really hate about these situations? We end up getting away from the original intent of this thread. NRY brought up something she is going through that is very difficult and very real and we end up off on a tangent over whether cheating is abuse.
Edited 3/9/2004 2:49:10 PM ET by omahamm
BTW, omaha....if you were truly an "abusive" person, I don't think you would have been so worried and concerned about the feelings of both your W and OW. It's very conflicting to like/love/whatever two people at one time. You seem to be a kind person who is dealing with a lot of stuff right now. To remember the problems I'm having while you are having your own really means a tremendous amount to me.
Here it is in a nutshell: I grew up in a family where my father cheated on my mother repeatedly and for years. She became devastatingly depressed and remained that way for years until she divorced him. My father didn't seem to care much about how it all made my mother feel, nor did he ever try to explain himself to me. Now I lack all respect and any deep, true sense of love for him.
Yet somehow I grew up with the idea that it was okay to cheat as long as no one found out. After all, if no one knew, how could it hurt? If your significant other never discovered the truth, then there was no ABUSE. (Because I assure you, if you are the betrayed person or have to live with the betrayed person, who also happens to be the person you love most in the world; i.e. your mother who was cast into a withdrawn oblivion for almost four years--it's ABUSE. The mother's pain will be felt by the children, and when the children grow up, they'll know who caused it.)
That's what I've been trying to explain to Omaha because if he handles all of this well, his children won't grow up to question their respect of him. Nor will they question (at least as much) their own conception of right and wrong. Him accepting responsibility for his wife's pain from the infidelity WILL, in many ways, filter down to the children.
Omaha just doesn't strike me as the type--like my father--to not give a crap what his children will think of him in 10 or 20 years. He, unlike my father and, in some ways, myself, is not an infinitely lost cause.
So it hasn't been a nutshell, but to this day I struggle with remaining faithful and truthful. My current serious relationship is the ONLY relationship thus far in which I've been able to maintain fidelity. And I hate myself for how I've treated men in the past because I know deep down inside--from the experience of watching my mother's suffering--that betrayal IS wrong and that it IS abuse. To think otherwise would be to live in total denial, and I just can't do it anymore.
So yes, I probably shouldn't be posting to this board because I'm not CURRENTLY cheating, but infidelity has lasting effects. I'm the epitome of proof, and I just don't get the gut feeling that Omaha REALLY wants to go where my family has been.
Thus the posts.
Anne
As far as abuse, I would be abusing my kids if I chose to live this way from now on because I was scared or too nervous to proceed with the D. The three of us have been abused by my H and it's ending. It's ending now.
Thanks for your input and your story. I appreciate you opening up to all of us and it helps us understand you a lot better. (((Hugs)))
Thanks for everyone's concern for me as well!
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