I'm doing it....I'm filing

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
I'm doing it....I'm filing
63
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:22am
My H and I had a big fight last night...the final straw, so to speak. He is a very angry, domineering person and can be quite cruel to me and the kids. His anger has gotten to the point where I am almost afraid to be around him. My stomach knots up just thinking about going home to face him tonight. I'm going to play it cool for a few days in order to retain an attorney, find an apartment, and arrange to have a day off work to get everything moved. I'm even going to have the papers served while I'm moving out in order to have a police officer at my house in case he shows up. I'm even going to try to obtain a restraining order against him because of his anger. Have any of you ever gone through this type of situation? My MM is very supportive of me...he knows I am doing this for me and the kids...he knows it's not for him. But in him, I have found a wonderful listener and a person with the background and education to give me good advice. If I didn't have him right now, it would be so easy to fall apart. I am grateful for each of you, as well. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:47pm
I feel it is appropriate for me to respond. I don't feel she means to attack me. But sometimes it is easy to slip into that mode without intending to. Maybe it is hypocritical of me to say I would never hurt someone I love. I've already admitted I have hurt my W. But to suggest that hurting someone is always abuse seems like a bit of a reach. Regardless, I am where I am and I can't go back and change what I have done. I'm dealing with my situation the best way I know how. If that isn't good enough for some people, so be it. They have their own lives to live.

You know what I really hate about these situations? We end up getting away from the original intent of this thread. NRY brought up something she is going through that is very difficult and very real and we end up off on a tangent over whether cheating is abuse.


Edited 3/9/2004 2:49:10 PM ET by omahamm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:56pm
Basic...you have a lot of opinions about omahamm here on our board, but we've not heard what your story is. Would you mind sharing it so that we can provide you with some feedback as well? Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:58pm
You know, I am actually amazed at your self-control and envy you a bit, too. I am in no suitable emotional state for getting involved in any kinds of discussions on how wrong what I am doing is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 3:00pm
Thank you omaha for remembering the thread. I appreciate all the help each of you have given me. I wish I could give each of you hugs....this has been a difficult situation for me and you guys are all giving me much needed support.

BTW, omaha....if you were truly an "abusive" person, I don't think you would have been so worried and concerned about the feelings of both your W and OW. It's very conflicting to like/love/whatever two people at one time. You seem to be a kind person who is dealing with a lot of stuff right now. To remember the problems I'm having while you are having your own really means a tremendous amount to me.

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:04pm
Hi NRY, I wish you all the luck in the world. Walking away from an abusive person is very hard. I walked away from my first H of 11 years filled with lots of beating and verbal abuse. It was one of the hardest and the best things that I ever did in my life. FYI, he killed himself and his girlfriend several years later. I realize that if I had not of gotten out it would have been us. I walked away from a beautiful home that was paid for but sometimes we just have to do what is best for our well being and not for our comfort. Good Luck, NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:15pm
Thanks, NRY...I remember reading another post of yours where you told the story of your abusive ex...I'm so glad you got out from under that. It's posts like that and support from everyone here on the boards that helps give me the strength I need to take this step. Oh, and my kids are my #1 reason. BTW...I contacted an attorney today. I'll keep you posted.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:20pm
Please do keep us posted! You and your children will be in my thoughts! NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:31pm
Oh boy, that was the hardest posts to follow - between you and noregrets - I had to read them twice to make sure who was saying what to whom. *grin*
Avatar for basic431
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:33pm
My story?

Here it is in a nutshell: I grew up in a family where my father cheated on my mother repeatedly and for years. She became devastatingly depressed and remained that way for years until she divorced him. My father didn't seem to care much about how it all made my mother feel, nor did he ever try to explain himself to me. Now I lack all respect and any deep, true sense of love for him.

Yet somehow I grew up with the idea that it was okay to cheat as long as no one found out. After all, if no one knew, how could it hurt? If your significant other never discovered the truth, then there was no ABUSE. (Because I assure you, if you are the betrayed person or have to live with the betrayed person, who also happens to be the person you love most in the world; i.e. your mother who was cast into a withdrawn oblivion for almost four years--it's ABUSE. The mother's pain will be felt by the children, and when the children grow up, they'll know who caused it.)

That's what I've been trying to explain to Omaha because if he handles all of this well, his children won't grow up to question their respect of him. Nor will they question (at least as much) their own conception of right and wrong. Him accepting responsibility for his wife's pain from the infidelity WILL, in many ways, filter down to the children.

Omaha just doesn't strike me as the type--like my father--to not give a crap what his children will think of him in 10 or 20 years. He, unlike my father and, in some ways, myself, is not an infinitely lost cause.

So it hasn't been a nutshell, but to this day I struggle with remaining faithful and truthful. My current serious relationship is the ONLY relationship thus far in which I've been able to maintain fidelity. And I hate myself for how I've treated men in the past because I know deep down inside--from the experience of watching my mother's suffering--that betrayal IS wrong and that it IS abuse. To think otherwise would be to live in total denial, and I just can't do it anymore.

So yes, I probably shouldn't be posting to this board because I'm not CURRENTLY cheating, but infidelity has lasting effects. I'm the epitome of proof, and I just don't get the gut feeling that Omaha REALLY wants to go where my family has been.

Thus the posts.

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:43pm
Anne, I can absolutely understand where you are coming from. I do see your viewpoint. Each of our situations are different, and it's amazing how vast and, in some cases, sad they truly are. In my situation, my children and I have been mentally and emotionally abused the entire time I've been with my H. Unfortunately, I have to say that I saw some of how he was BEFORE the wedding, but with stars in my eyes, chose to wed anyway. The two good (wonderful, awesome) gifts I got out of this M were my two beautiful children, whom I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. But, enough is enough. I'm leaving. And, yes, I do see a MM. I've been so out of love with my H for so long, the MM came along at the right time and I fell completely head over heels in love with him. We've progressed past the "sex, sex, sex" aspect of the relationship (though it definitely still exists) into a relationship where we see the good, bad and ugly about each other, if you know what I mean. He means the world to me. Now with that being said, I'm filing for the big "D" because of my situation with my H and my DS and DD. Not because of my MM. He is concerned about me, but knows I need to take care of myself first. He's still there...supporting, listening, giving advice, and caring for me. I know I can't run from one R to another so quickly.

As far as abuse, I would be abusing my kids if I chose to live this way from now on because I was scared or too nervous to proceed with the D. The three of us have been abused by my H and it's ending. It's ending now.

Thanks for your input and your story. I appreciate you opening up to all of us and it helps us understand you a lot better. (((Hugs)))

Thanks for everyone's concern for me as well!

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