I'm fence sitting........

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
I'm fence sitting........
7
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 11:32am
My H is forcing me to try to get back to a real marraige or leave. I can't seem to break down the wall I have built and let him into my life again. Tried counseling..... I don't think I love him but I can't be sure. I know that sounds crazy but I think I really love the comforts of my big house and my family. But if we didn't have kids I wouldn't be there. How can I figure out how I really feel about him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 11:58am
When you figure out the answer...let me know. Most of the reason I stay is because ihave too much to lose if I go. I know that I'm not IN love with my husband anymore...but there are other circumstances that have made it way too hard long before I started having an affair...like he's a drunk. But that's a whole other issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 12:10pm
I also have an alcoholic H. But like you, I have a house, children, a life I can't provide for them on my own. I justify it to myself about MM that "H has his booze, that's his choice, I have MM'. But I know that really, that is no excuse. I am fence-sitting, BIG TIME.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 2:12pm
mine too is an alcoholic IMO, on the couch 6-8 beers a night, then one night he

finished off 3 bottles of wine while i fell asleep with our oldest... at the time only 4yrs old... i left that night, called him at work , packed up the suitcases, and went to Moms from the frying pan into the fire, but now 2yrs later.... I DO consider him partially responsible for the big A, he treated me differently after the children came and after my daughter no sex for two years and even before that we had it once in seven months....

He didn't drink like that when we were first married and then stopped till the day my daughter was born, it was like omg i have two kids it's Miller time....anyway I was not his W, I was his roomate.... so my point is-- the A is-- I believe symptom of the

bad relationship, not what causes it to go bad......
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 2:55pm
Most of the time I feel like H and I are brother and sister, something like that. Its not that I don't love him because I do, but in the condition he's in right now and the lack of intimacy with him, well I can't stand it. Things were really rock bottom when I started this A just over 2 years ago. I was almost at the point of leaving my M when it started. Maybe that would have been best, now it seems like I'm stuck in a relationship with H that I don't know how much longer I can stand it. And a relationship with MM which will go nowhere, supposedly he has such a "happy marriage" except for no sex. Excuse me, how good can your marriage be with no sex (supposedly). I guess we all know the answer to that one!! Although I do believe him, because I don't think he would be seeing me if he were getting it at home. Too bad, he would have been nice to know in a real "dating" situation but I don't think that will ever happen between us.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 3:08pm
secret, i feel your pain honey!

i was in the same situation -- trying to figure out if i wanted to stay in my marriage for the "comforts" of the "big house", plenty of money and of course the kids being with their dad. but you know what, trying to keep it all together and "appear" interested in my H took its toll and i ended up almost having a nervous breakdown. woke up one morning and couldn't stop crying, shaking, banging the walls! called my girfriend close by and she came to the house, took care of the kids - got them dress, fed, on the school bus and to daycare -- then sat with me, feeding my tea and calming me down. later that day i rented an apt., made arrangements for movers, packed my stuff and the kids' stuff. however, when my H came home, and i told him what i'd done and that i was leaving within the week, with the kids, he said i could leave but the kids were staying with him.

we fought about that for days until my son who was 8, said "mommy, we can stay here with dad and you can come visit us every day" which i did. my apt. was 5 minutes away and they came over 2-3 times during the week and almost every weekend. after less than 6 weeks, my H ended up moving out of the "big house" because he couldn't handle the kids and work and their activities.

so i moved back in with the kids and i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders because my dead M was finally over! that's the short story, but my point is that you will know when the M is really over - when you are ready to leave all the "comforts." and it will happen, believe me.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 3:17pm
Gurl, how did your H react about ending the M? Was he shocked or upset? H is SO emotional. I think it's more about our son than me. I agreed to 50/50 custody. How long has it been? Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 11:42am
hey secret -- it's been 16 years since the separation and 15 years divorced!! and boy oh boy, was he ever emotional. we were arguing, and screamed and cried for weeks and when i finally left the house, he was crying and holding onto me real tight. i literally had to peel him off me to get out of the house. and i was crying because i was tearing my family apart. although after i was out of there, i felt soooo much lighter when i finally took that first step towards my freedom.

we agreed on 50/50 custody, but he wouldn't let me take the children. so i was in an apartment 5 minutes from the house and i ended up going back and forth to the house every morning to get the kids up and dressed and off to school/daycare because H had to leave so early. it was a mess. he couldn't handle picking up all 3 children from various sitters/daycare, fixing dinner, homework, laundry, cleaning up, baths, bedtime stories all by himself. those are the minimum things we moms do every single day!

H lasted all of 4-1/2 weeks before he caved and called me to move back in with the children and he moved out! of course, H met another woman the first night after we separated and then moved in with her and her 3 children! talk about going from the frying pan to the fire!

whatever.... everyone ended up happy, healthy and fine, including H! so there is hope after the emotional turmoil.

good luck,

gurl