i'm freaking out

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
i'm freaking out
11
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 8:38pm

I'm freaking out... forgive me, it's been forever since I've been on here.

I'm in a 2+ year affair with a coworker who is one of my best friends. We were once in the place where we talked about him leaving w for me, but decided it would ruin our careers and such and no. Now we're on the downside of trying to end it gradually and remain friends, which up to this point has worked.

he and i got to talking today b/c a mutual friend is dating. i said if HE'S dating it make me want to get back with my ex. MM was led to ask is it better to be i in 2 month dating butterlies in stomach relationship than with MM for 2.5 years of love? i said him but what about in reverse. he said he coudl take 40 years of being married to w if i was around . i made it clear i woudl not be around in a romantic way forever and he said he knew. i said why are you settleing then? he said she is good, a good wife a good mom but she is not me. i said why, if you knew you could have me would you settle? he said this was not new information... that he will be married to her forever.

this is not new information. so i'm not sure why i'm so upset.

except that i'm scared. if he knows me better than anyone, loves me more than anyone, and knows that he doesn't love her like that and STILL WON'T PICK ME what hope do i have of fnding soemone who will?

she - the w - is an unattractive, uneducated, white trash woman. and i'm losing to that. what does that make me?

i just had this sudden realization that its not that he wants to be with me but is stuck married to her. it's that he wants to be married to her and i'm on the side. forever. not even a wish. i'm just the girl he's sleeping with. i might be his best friend. and he might love me. he says hes in love with me. but he wants to be with her.. not me. he even said that if she died tomorrow he wouldn't marry me. then why am i here?

help me put this in perspective. i'm losing my mind. i'm totally freaking out

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 9:11pm

is it better to be in an a with mm who can't give you 100 percent or


in a r with a sm who can give you a real r







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 9:12pm
what is mm willing to do keep you....leave w...nope, move on






iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 9:19pm

he is spineless and unwilling to make the same choice he is


asking you to make. move on....







iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 10:26pm

"...and STILL WON'T PICK ME what hope do i have of fnding soemone who will? "


He's made his choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 11:34pm

Konline,


I have never posted on here, but i wanted to try and provide an answer to your question


in my own words, the answer is that there never really is a competition when the man is married, and even less so when you've had an A for over 2 years. It isn't about something being wrong with YOU.


A

Sunshine

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sat, 08-01-2009 - 1:35am

agreed, if it keeps mm happy sexually if he is happy in every other


aspect, then there is no reason to leave. when i asked xap


why he didn't just leave if he was that unhappy to be looking


for sexual satisfaction elsewhere, he said it was because he is


afraid of court. after thinkng about that for quite some time


and trying to digest it, i thought to myself....


i am sw, parent of 1 and i was not all that thrilled to have to go to


court either in regards to child support, etc. with so, but i did it.


having been through that experience, i have at least a little bit


of an idea of what those things entail, although xso and i were


not m, so that aspect was not something we had to contend with.


it was child support, etc.


that being said, so i think to myself, he is not afraid to risk his m by


by wanting the r with me on sexual or emotional level, but he is


afraid of court, so that tells me he is not willing to risk the m.


hence my previous post of spineless so and so.


my question is, why is it that a mm thinks it is ok to risk having the


r that would risk the m but would quickly change his tune when


d day comes. lack of responsibility for his actions, entitlement, control


if he can't answer that, no one can.







iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sat, 08-01-2009 - 1:44am

..another thought, i haven't met many men who are willing to


say, 'i f'd up'. he won't tell his w he f'd up, and he sure isn't


going to tell you that he f'd up by pulling you into his issues,


it's not gonna happen. sh.. or get off the pot....pretty simple....


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sat, 08-01-2009 - 8:10am

"he even said that if she died tomorrow he wouldn't marry me."

Well, if he has really said that,then he is basically telling you that you are nothing to him.Love talk is just BS from his part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 08-01-2009 - 10:03am

Wow - everyone hit the nail on the head. OMG...

This one, though, really hit home: "According to my therapist-this is actually a way of sustaining the marriage." He SAID that to me... that having me as his friend, even if we are no longer romantic, keeps him in his marriage. Why should I do that for him?

And this: "'he even said that if she died tomorrow he wouldn't marry me.' Well, if he has really said that,then he is basically telling you that you are nothing to him.Love talk is just BS from his part." So true.

I have to find a way to end this. I'm realizing that while I put my kid first, I put him second - I should be putting myself, finding a husband, etc. before him. He clearly puts his family first.

We work together, and are good friends; we do volunteer work and such together. I've tried to end it in the past, but he keeps pulling me back in (my backing off drives him toward me). Any advice? Can ANYONE stay civil, maybe even friends (eventually), terms with an xap?

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-01-2009 - 1:02pm

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