i'm freaking out

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
i'm freaking out
11
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 8:38pm

I'm freaking out... forgive me, it's been forever since I've been on here.

I'm in a 2+ year affair with a coworker who is one of my best friends. We were once in the place where we talked about him leaving w for me, but decided it would ruin our careers and such and no. Now we're on the downside of trying to end it gradually and remain friends, which up to this point has worked.

he and i got to talking today b/c a mutual friend is dating. i said if HE'S dating it make me want to get back with my ex. MM was led to ask is it better to be i in 2 month dating butterlies in stomach relationship than with MM for 2.5 years of love? i said him but what about in reverse. he said he coudl take 40 years of being married to w if i was around . i made it clear i woudl not be around in a romantic way forever and he said he knew. i said why are you settleing then? he said she is good, a good wife a good mom but she is not me. i said why, if you knew you could have me would you settle? he said this was not new information... that he will be married to her forever.

this is not new information. so i'm not sure why i'm so upset.

except that i'm scared. if he knows me better than anyone, loves me more than anyone, and knows that he doesn't love her like that and STILL WON'T PICK ME what hope do i have of fnding soemone who will?

she - the w - is an unattractive, uneducated, white trash woman. and i'm losing to that. what does that make me?

i just had this sudden realization that its not that he wants to be with me but is stuck married to her. it's that he wants to be married to her and i'm on the side. forever. not even a wish. i'm just the girl he's sleeping with. i might be his best friend. and he might love me. he says hes in love with me. but he wants to be with her.. not me. he even said that if she died tomorrow he wouldn't marry me. then why am i here?

help me put this in perspective. i'm losing my mind. i'm totally freaking out

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 08-01-2009 - 2:46pm

Thanks... it's interesting to hear your pov from in the m. i'm so much calmer than when i wrote the first post; hearing this advice and such is good. i'm actually doing the online dating and such... my dates used to make him crazy and don't as much any more (another sign? ha!) but i am still realizing that i'm not giving these guys a true chance if i'm in love with him.

MM is supposed to come over tomorrow before we do our volunteer work... i'm trying to figure out how to handle it and still be friends... i think i'm going to have to just be honest, and basically call him on the 'we can be friends' thing. if we really can, then he's going to have to let the romantic relationship with me go so that i can do the same. if he can't, then he's been full of crap all along. ugh!

i still feel like we've broken up and i haven't even talked to him about it!

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