*I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
*I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN
12
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 10:53am
I won't get much into detail, or make this long... but here's my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. For the last 2 years, our relationship has really been going downhill... About 2 months ago, I met another man. Keep in mind he is a little older than me, I'm 19 Chris is 29. We met, and instantly hit it off. I've never cheated on my boyfriend before, but with Chris, it was different. We both felt like we've known eachother all our lives, and have been inseperable for the last two months. Last Friday night, he told me he loved me. One thing I might as well point out is, this is the type of man i've been searching for all my life...

The next night, I found out from his best friend that he was still with his wife of 9 years, and also had a baby on the way. I was shocked, because I didn't suspect a thing. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be involved with a married man, and also I am cheating on my boyfriend. Chris says he hasn't loved his wife for years, and the only reason he hasn't got a divorce is because she won't sign the papers. Is that possible? Can she really keep him from getting a divorce, just because she won't sign the papers? Please someone help me, I need advice... I really want to be with Chris, but I don't know what to do!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 11:03am
You don't know what to do? First I'd take the "kick me" sign off my back if I were you. This guy is a liar and a cheat of the lowest order--why would you want to be with such a slimeball? Lily
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 11:17am
Use your brain for a second - she didn't get pregnant by herself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 11:32am
Well I am sure many W will have nothing but bad things to say but its easier sad then done to walk away from a situation like that...

I am in somewhat your same shoes except mine had the baby three months after I met him...things have not changed much I still see him often and we spend time together just like before...it did affect me when the baby was born...but he was with me the night she was in the hospital...

I just see it do what makes you happy...you just never know what the future holds...could be love or a broken heart go with ur gut instinct...and live life to the fullest.

And yea I was married before and even though did not love my H I had sex with him...people have needs...and im sure all married couples have sex that would be expected...

Wish you the best...Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 11:40am
Here's a bit of motherly advice.

Walk away from this guy. People have a lot of reasons for getting into affairs, but it sounds like this guy has chosen about the easiest road possible - a strings-free 19yo (and having a boyfriend that you've had since you were 15 is nearly strings-free in the scope of a lifetime).

Sorry to sound cynical, but it's easy for a 29yo man to say the right things to make a 19yo young woman feel like she's known him his whole life. It's also pretty easy for some people to say the words "I love you," and sometimes they really do mean it. But talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

So what do you think his actions are saying when he is "inseperable" from you while his wife is pregnant? Is that the kind of man you want to be with? And if he finds it so easy to lie to you and to her, and to be away from her so he can be with you, is that really the "type of man you've been searching for all your life"?

You are 19. You have the freedom to do whatever you want. If a boyfriend from your sophomore year of high school is boring, break up with him! Then find someone you do like. 19 is way too young to sell yourself short. "Searching all your life" right now constitutes, what, 5 years? Think big picture, dear. Don't start your life badly - and believe it or not, your life is just beginning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 12:05pm
I don't understand how you would appreciate a married man spending the night with you while his wife is in the hospital giving birth. Imagine if he divorces his wife, got you preganent, and while you are in the hospital, he's making love to another woman. Wouldn't that make you mad?

Even if the man doesn't love his wife, he should at least either divorce her immediately (not just sitting around waiting for the "right moment" crap) or at least be with her in the hospital supporting her.

That's my thoughts on this matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 12:19pm
He was with you while his wife was having the baby?

I certainly hope that she wasn't expecting him to be there, and that she knows she can't rely on him to be there for her, ever. I certainly hope that theirs is a marriage by contract and there is no love, trust, or mutual respect involved. But if there isn't any of that, at all, why bother being married?

There's always something a little sordid about even the "best" affairs - but a husband who isn't even there when his wife is giving birth? How do you justify that? I don't know your story, so I am curious.

BTW, as a former 19yo, my "gut" would have told me to do whatever I wanted at that moment. Guts are notoriously unreliable in young people. It's why they are so often victims.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 12:53pm
We are about the same age. I was involved with a married guy for over a year, I dumped him this weekend. Don't fall for their 'soul-mates', 'love of my life' crap. They ALL say it, and they ALL do nothing. They always have an excuse, their kids, their money, etc... but the bottom line is, they enjoy being with two women, the respectable one and then the playmate. I know we are young, but we are NOT stupid..well, at least not anymore.

X

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 12:54pm
NO NO NO...she had the baby that morning that evening I got back from out of town and she had the baby a few weeks early...when I called him to let him know I was in town he was like im at the hospital she had the baby...I went into shock.

I did not expect it..I mean I did but not this soon...it really got to me...he was like your ok..Im like yea congratulations...he said he was going to get his mother-in-law to stay so he came to me that night and left early in the morning to the hospital...he loves the baby and he is a great father.

I am 28 right now and I have been married before and now I am divorced. And the reason I said go with your gut instinct...women usually can tell when men care or they dont...we can get away with alot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 2:23pm
I'm hunting for the jaw-dropping-open icon, but there isn't one.

As a woman who has given birth several times, I cannot even begin to imagine my OM leaving his wife in the hospital with her mother so he could spend the night with me. Not being able to be completely faithful doesn't mean giving up on the responsibilities we have to other people. What does that say about how he views any future commitment he might make to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 4:27pm
I guess the way I see it is First of all I dont want any kids .. I have one and yes if my H who at the time I loved was not by my side...yea that would have made me upset beyond...

As far as him leaving his W at the hospital...well he was there until the baby was taken back to the nursery and he left he was back in the morning when he was able to see his baby...he loves his child...its just her he does not love.

She knows about me...she has called me once before...and asked what was going on...I said to talk to her H and all I could say he was a great guy. I call him all the time on his phone he answers she is there...its her choice to stay there...he told her he was not happy and not becuase they had a baby he would stay by her side...she said he could not leave her alone...he was like yes I can...but only time will tell...

She pulled up on us at the gym last week I got in my car and left...She asked him if I was the one...I know he cares for her she is a nice girl without a doubt...but he is not happy with her...

We are happy...maybe just right now but only time will tell....

As far as any future we might have he is the one that talks about it...I have too much going for me right now Im in school fulltime I work fulltime and I have a 7yr old. My schedule is full and right now I am not ready for a 24/7 commitment.

And its like he tells me he is not happy with her...and I tell him cant be that unhappy if ur still there...NO ONE IS PERFECT...

and Im sorry if yall think wrong of me...







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