I'm lost really?
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I'm lost really?
| Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:57pm |
I am new to this board, and to this situation. I guess I really don’t consider my self having an affair but I am having sex with someone other than my husband and could use advice, and the relationship saver people only consider cousling and talking to my husband which are not options. I am having sex with someone I do not love him. I really don’t even like him a lot. Don’t get me wrong I have known him for years he is no stranger and he is one of those people that’s an ass in a way in which it is cute in small amounts. I love my husband we have been married 7 years this past weekend. I cheated for the first time last week; I know the timing could have been better. My husband is not a real sexual person he only needs sex a few times a month. Also he is so loving that it’s a mood thing with him, making love every time or nothing. I have tried for a least 5 of our 7 years to get my husband to understand sometimes (excuse this phrase) I need to just f***. But he thinks I am being too slutty or something; see I never really tried a lot of things I wanted to while dating. I wasn’t a virgin or anything but I always kinda thought that things that made a single girl sluttish made a good wife so I waited. I am not talking whips and chains just something more than missionary. My husband was old fashioned about sex and I thought at first it was cute and that we could explore things together but I was wrong he wants no part of anything new, the thing is we get along and we have 2 wonderful children. I can’t leave him. I’ve tried talking. I must admit I haven’t really felt that guilty, but I have been drinking a lot. Well for me I really haven’t drank in years before now and I find since last week I’ve drank a few bottles of crown by myself no one knows of course I have at least pulled that off. I just need to get use to the fact that I have turned into the person I have always judged. My question is how do I slow down, I have kids that need me and their dad. I honestly feel justified for sleeping with someone else I just find it hard to deal with. Anybody been here?

Welcome to this site if you're new.
I'm not sure I have any advice, except to say that, it's easy to sympathize with you. It's hard, being torn between wanting a certain kind of sex life, and wanting your marriage too. It sounds like your H is unflexible on the sex issue. That would be very frustrating and limiting, to anybody.
While I have to admit that I DO feel guilt about my EMA, my OMM claims that he does not. We both have happy marriages that we want to stay in. We both have good sex lives at home, with open-minded partners. But I think we both needed some kinship with someone of the opposite sex. For me, I have a very high sex drive and I'm extremely attracted to him, so the sex and the friendship are important to me equally. For him, my theory is that he needs to feel loved by a demonstrative woman (his W loves him but she doesn't show it much) and that he wants the woman to be sexually aggressive for a change, which I tend to be.
Everybody has needs. It's hard to find one person who can fill all of them. I think that's why As have happened since the beginning of time. My OMM says "I need this (the A) in my life. I'm not willing to do without it. I do everything in my power to protect my wife from finding out about it. But I need to be true to myself while caring for my family. As long as I protect my family, I feel no guilt about the A". I'm not sure whether he REALLY feels no guilt, but that's what he says...and maybe that's the key. Get what you need to get out of life, but protect your loved ones.
anyway, good luck.:)
My marriage was sexless to for a long time. After my affair got revealed, things have been improving at home front. Talk about "peer pressure"!! Sorry that's a lousy way to say things but it definitely is the truth. We are having sex more often than before, trying to experiment. I still need a little more from him time to time mostly I am at my peak, so it can get a little frustrating. I have trying to tell him to go counselling with me. He has'nt said no yet, but trying to evade it. Hopefully he will agree to it soon.
Also, sex is only a part in my marriage not everything. THat's why it was not a main reason for me to go find somebody outside my home to satisfy my needs. I was in an emotional affair, it did quite the job with flirty emails and phone sex for a while. After that once we got into the "reality" part (my theme for the day... LOL) of consumationg the sexual side of our A, we didn't. That why probably I am more sexually needy than before not to mention the fact I am at my sexual peak.
There you go on my situation. Once I settle down at home, probably i won't be needy as before and happy to get out the rollercoaster emotions that A bring with it. Its defintely not loosinf you sleep over. That's why I think while an affair may solve one side of the problem you needing sex but it also bring heartache,sufferring that are flip side of the coin.