I'm in love with a married man...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
I'm in love with a married man...
5
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 4:22pm
I'm new to the board so I want to give you all a little background before I go into my specific problem. I am in love with a married man. He was my high school sweetheart. We lost touch with one another after we broke up in our first year of college. He got married. About 3 years ago found me on a networking website and suggested we get together for lunch. He was a very good friend before we started dating and I had missed having him in my life. So we lunched. After lunch he told me he had been hoping I would ask him back to my place. I didn't but I wanted to. So over the last 3 years we have chatted and danced around the idea of an affair. I gave in for a short period of time when he was separated from his wife. They ended up getting back together, we hooked up one more time after that before I called it off. But we never stopped talking. Now he is separated again but still living with his wife. He says they can't get out of the lease and they have not worked out a way to share custody of their 3 year old yet. He wants to start our physical relationship again and I told him I would not until he had is own place. He seemed to understand at first but now has basically told me if I won't sleep with him we should stop talking. We have been through this before and he always ends up contacting me a few weeks later. Being the idiot that I am, I let him get away with it. I don't know what to do. I love him and i think he has feelings for me too but I don't know if I believe they are really going to get divorced this time or if this is just another game to him. I have not told him I love him and I won't but I just don't know what to do. Should I give in and sleep with him when I am not sure he is really going to get a divorce and end up hurting even more in the process? Or should I continue to hold out until he is actually gone from her house. Please help me I don't know what to do anymore...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 7:06pm

I think you do know what to do, but you have fear about it. Fear that he won't come back to you, etc. I say until he is moved out of the house and has the divorce papers in hand, stay away from him. Otherwise, you will find yourself like a yo-yo...back and forth, back and forth. Ugh. Just the thought of it gives me the willies, and it's been a few years since my affair.

You're better than this and deserve better than this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 10:00pm
Thank you! I am better than this. You are right I am fearful of him never coming back to me. I have dealt with the hurt of breaking it off all those years ago and regretting it. Now I feel like I have a second chance to be happy right within my reach and I don't want to let it go. I know I don't have any guarantee that we will be together even if he actually gets divorced. But I want to have a chance at a life with him. I need to let go but I guess I just don't know how.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Thu, 04-02-2009 - 1:44am
I appreciate your input on the situation. I know it may seem like a cut and dry situation. Trust me I never thought I would ever have this particular dilemma. I have in fact told him on many occasions not to contact me any more, and he listens for a while and then inevitably starts to call again. I don't want to love him. I can't help how my heart feels though. I have loved him for years, even before he contacted me after getting married, I knew I had made a mistake in letting him go. I dealt with it dated "available men". I am tired of saying no, I have said no for 3 years and he is still coming back. If you had someone asking you day after day after day for the same thing eventually you would start to wear down too. I don't want to be the other woman or cause his family any pain. How do I tell him to go away and make it stick?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 04-02-2009 - 6:59am

You said that he told you that if you don't sleep with him, there's no point of talking - what does that tell you?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2009
Thu, 04-02-2009 - 7:56pm
DUMP HIM. LEAVE HIM ALONE. HE IS USING YOU.