I'm a married man fighting uphill battle

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
I'm a married man fighting uphill battle
12
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 10:07am
I've been married for 12 years. A couple of months ago I began talking with a woman, only at events we would arrive at together (because of mutual friends). After 3 or 4 meetings, we kissed -- afterward she said that because I was married, a relationship would not work. But we have conversed since that night, and seen each other 3 or 4 times - dating, basically.

I'm in turmoil. She called the other day saying she wanted to break it off -- saying the thought of me with my family was too much, and her friend is saying she can do better than someone who is married. But I have fallen in love with her, even told her (foolishly) that. We are again dating, and I would leave my wife now if that's what she wanted, but she isn't asking for that -- she wants to see how things go. I'm so bummed out: I care so much for her, but I have to play it "cool".

How do you get through the day without agonzing over how she's feeling, if she's ever going to feel as strongly as I do....and do I end my marriage now, or wait? I have told her, to make things easier, we would agree that if we haven't copme to some conclusion in 7 months we would end it cleanly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 10:30am
How is your marriage going? Would you end your M even if the OW weren't in the picture?

Pug

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 6:04pm
Tony,

Another married male here, who has been where you are. I

think you have fallen in love, as you observed, perhaps for

the first time.

There is a lot of data missing from your post. How old

are you? How old is she? How big and how old is your family?

Can you afford to support two families, if necessary? How

compatible are you with this other woman? What does she

want and can you give it to her? What is it that is missing

from your M that you think you will find in the OW? Is this

just boredome? Why do you find her so attractive? What are

the financial implications of a D? It isn't all about you

and your feelings. You have a wife and family. Could you

abandon them for this new woman? Could you hurt your wife

(and kids) as badly as this is going to hurt them? Will

OW even take you if you give up your M for her? You don't

need to post these details for me, but you should answer

them for yourself as you work out your solution.

A twelve year old marriage puts you at roughly early

midlife crisis time. Is that what is going on here?

Do a web search on midlife crisis and answer some of the

questions you find. Think carefully about what you are doing

and why you are doing it.

Consider too, that no matter how you feel about the OW,

it is not about your feelings alone. However strong your

feelings are and however much you want it to work out, your

feelings alone are not sufficient to make the R work. She

has an equal vote too. Actually, you have given her a more

than equal vote. You are giving her control of the relationship,

and you need to share.

From what you have said, she has not yet chosen to throw

her lot in with you. You may screw up your marriage and loose

your new soulmate as well. Start thinking with your head and

not your heart. It is hard, I know.

If it is all about a pretty face and a hot body, remember

that even if you behave like a pair of hamsters you will

spend only a small fraction of your life in bed with her.

Don't let the physical be overly important. How you get

along the rest of the time will to a large extent determine

the viability of your relationship.

Lets talk about emotions.

Lets start with your emotions. You basically are trapped.

Although it may well be true, you would have been far wiser

to have left off the ILY, especially after only a few months

and a kiss or two. Women like to think you have given it a

bit more consideration than you apparently have. It is a

security thing. At least keep up appearances. To understand,

think about it from her viewpoint, not yours.....

Your preoccupation with her is bad news. From her side it

is likely to be perceived as "smothering", and will kill your

relationship dead. I don't think, at this stage, she will find

your obsession with her and her feelings attractive at all.

So what is attractive? What most women want in a man is

a complete, self-contained, interesting person. Someone

that is accomplished, protective, fun to be with, unique,

has a sense of humor, and can make them feel special and

wanted, someone they can trust. If you can pull this off,

she will want to be with you. There is no other way.



I have found that women do not want lap dogs. Don't let

your heart turn you into one. Take back your heart and quit

obsessing, it will be healthier for you as well. Be a man;

all women expect it, most prefer it.

The plain truth is that people desire most what they think

they cannot have. That should give you a pretty good clue

about how to behave. The dilemma is that if you are totally

unobtainable, the R is dead, and if you totally give in,

the R is dead. Some call love a "dance". Learn to dance.

It is a little like Alice in "Through the Looking Glass".

To reach your goal, sometimes you have to travel hard in the

opposite direction.

I am not saying you should ignore her. I am not saying to

purposely play with her head by being hard to get or

manipulative. I am not saying to be cruel, insensitive, distant,

a loutish male, or anything like that. I am saying that

you should be a complete, interesting person on your own first,

with or without her. Don't look for your own validation in

her, be secure in yourself. You preoccupation works against

her seeing this in you.

There is no magic in waiting 7 months to decide anything.

You can end it at any time, though "cleanly" is a very

relative term where emotions are involved. It sounds like she

may be heading in that direction on you. If she starts going

there, your best move is to encourage it and cherish forever

whatever you had together. Profit from the experience and

move on. You can't hold her against her will, and I am sure

you wouldn't want to. If you know it is coming, beat her to

the "Lets just be friends" talk, even as your heart is breaking.

What are your options? You are posting on an "affairs" board,

so I presume you have given this some thought. It is not

for everyone, it may not be for you. Or it may, I can't answer

that for the three of you. You might wind up with a D anyway.

There are risks.

You can go back to your W and kids, at least at this stage you

still can. If you do, resist the temptation to ever confess,

whatever you have or have not done. It will not give you peace

and will torture your wife. If she is unhappy, you will be too.

You can get a divorce, and may or may not end up with the OW.

Are there any other ways this can work out that you can think

of? What do you think is the best solution?

You asked about ending your M now or later. What is the

upside of ending it now? Will that get you what you want?

These are my opinions, you will get others, possibly more

valid, from the other board members. That is the magic of

this board. If I seem to lecture, or preach, forgive me. I

have ruined a perfectly good relationship in the past

through the very behavior I believe I saw in your post.

Profit from my mistakes.

Que Sera Sera. The usual existential ending: Choose wisely,

you will live with your choices...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 6:31pm
Hi Tony,

If you're ready to leave your W, what are you waiting for?

If you're just waiting to play Tarzan and swing from one vine(W) to the next (OW) then you're probably not as ready to leave your W as you think. And you're doing it for all the wrong reasons.

If your M is truly disintegrated, it has be separate from OW. Because being attracted to, and acting on that attraction, does not dissolve a solid 12yr M... if it WAS a solid 12yr M... there is a lot missing from your post, as Desert says, and you don't need to tell us here, but you need to know that these responses come with missing info and some assumptions built in.

Can you really be in love with someone after fewer than a dozen dates? Really? If you had a teenage or twenty-something son coming to tell you this, what would you say to him?

Tony, I think you need to step back and take a long, hard look at your situation. What is it that you REALLY want, separate from both W and OW. Once you know what you want for yourself, you can take the next step in determining who best fits with your vision of you, and your future. If you keep allowing yourself to simply be swept along by the emotions you're feeling, then Desert is right: you could very well be making more of a mire to get stuck in rather than breaking free of one.

Good luck.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 6:41pm
Hi Tony and welcome,

what can I say?? desert seems to have said it all so well... he's pretty good at that :)

but basically... I think you need to sit back at little and look at your life... what is wrong with your marriage??? can it be fixed and do you want to fix it??? What are your choices... I would never suggest you walk away from your marriage for the OW before figuring out what went wrong first... while you may not think it now... if things don't go right with the OW you may blame her for your marriage split and it will therefore only cause problems with the two of you. Most people... if they do not work out their problems from one relationship... will usually drag them through others... a key factor as to why so many relationships from EMA's do not succeed... you should never ever leave for someone else... but for reasons of your own.

Now... if you are determined to want to 'date' this OW... don't push her in anyway... she needs to deal with things too... I doubt that it's easy for any woman that gets involved with a married man and even though you'll say you will leave your marriage for her... I'm sure that is really the last thing she wants to hear... she does not want to be the blame for breaking up a marriage... again it comes back to leaving for reasons that you need to.

I'm sorry if I've rambled a little... but I do hope that you will think about it all before stepping in with this.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 11:57pm
hi...i would probably not rush to end cause of the money and kids, but my heart is telling me to get the ball rolling -- i don't want to lose the OW.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:16am
Thank you for your wise and intelligent response.

>How old are you? How old is she?

me-42 her-25

>How big and how old is your family?

>1 boy 11, 1 girl 8

>Can you afford to support two families

I make 110,000, OW makes 65,000


> How compatible are you with this other woman?

So far the compatibility factor is marvelous

>What does she want and can you give it to her?

She wants a husband, traditional stable life -- she knows I will be involved with kids and takes that as a matter of fact

>What is it that is missing from your M that you think you will find in the OW?

She is more of what I want in a mate -- looks, age, inelligence, wit. My wife has these, but the OW has more

>Is this just boredome? Why do you find her so attractive? What are the financial >implications of a D?

I'm sure Ill take a hit -- even if we I give uo 50% of my take home pay together we'll take home 5200 every 2 weeks, that would support a 2000 mortgage car payments and the rest

>It isn't all about you

I disagree -- life is short

> Could you abandon them for this new woman?

I feel bad for my wife, but I have to be happy. My kids will see me very often

> Will OW even take you if you give up your M for her?

I hope

>A twelve year old marriage puts you at roughly early

>midlife crisis time. Is that what is going on here?

A MLC is a mayth. Truth is, men are genetically programmed to seek youth, to want to plant a seed in as many fertile gardens as they can. We are mammals......and you can't escape that. But I feel the highest level of love for the OW...I honestly can say that

>Lets start with your emotions. You basically are trapped.

>Although it may well be true, you would have been far wiser

>to have left off the ILY, especially after only a few months

>and a kiss or two.

Iknow -- I'm trying to repair the damage. God willing I can do it. But when she said she was backing off because of my marriage and the thought of my familoy being hurt, I wanted to show i was serious, not ust f-ing aournd// -- and we haven't had IC anyway

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 12:20am
Thanks for the great response. Truth is,I don't want counseling. I want the OW badly. In the rare instance it doesn't work out, I will be free to date again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 10:25am
hi there, well without a plan things can get veryyyy complicated...i've been seeing my mm for a yr now...and well 3 weeks ago he left cause the w found out about me...and here i sit today hurting because in the past yr we didnt make a plan...and if 2 grown adults love each other and want to be together a plan needs to be made for leaving your wife to be successful...now he has to return home...not wanting to and hurting every bit as much as i do...the point in this being it wasn't thought out carefully and now that she knows about me...well our time together will be so limited...but i guess maybe thats the motivation we need to make a plan...because like you he has fallen in love with someone other than his wife...and i truly love him back...best of luck...and its very hard to end the ema when u love each other...trust me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 3:22pm
Tony,

42 and 25 is a pretty big age gap. There is such a thing as stages

in a person's life. What we want at 42 differs from what we want at

25. Remember that we men tend to die off earlier, this gap does not

help that statistical fact. I know I won't change your mind, but

wanted to mention it anyway. Sounds to me like you want a trophy,

and I hope you get one.

I was just curious, do you think it will be OK if your OW decides

to "trade up" in a mate too? She is only 25. Maybe more, ummm...

looks, age, inelligence, wit? After all, women are genetically

programmed to find the best provider/defender/sperm for their

broods, aren't they? It's all just DNA and natural selection,

isn't it? Or is there something more? What's it all about, Alfie?

We disagree about the existance of a Mid Life Crisis. While not all

men go through one, talk to me about it in 10 years. I suspect it

might not seem so mythical to you by then. Mortality is very real.

I do hope the actions you are about to take bring you the happiness

that you seek. Many people, some of them quite young and innocent,

will be paying dearly for your happiness.



You will find good information about Divorce on this site, as well

as the internet in general. There are a lot of facets to consider,

and it is easy to overlook details.

You are about to make some big changes in your life. You will learn

a great deal.

A toast to your happiness!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 3:36pm
Oh I love it, DITR... Yes, Mother Nature can be called upon to explain our wanderlust, can't she. It all seems okay somehow.

But beyond Mother Nature's design to help us find a variety of robust gene donors, don't forget the other big driver out there... Father Bank Account. He's a very powerful motivator.

Cynical Pug

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