I'm a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
I'm a mess
5
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 7:26pm
I really don't know what to do. I am an emotional mess. I have been with my AP for 6 months, 6 of the best months I can ever remember. Also, 6 of the worst. I am head over heels in love with my AP. I'm not in the fog. We have been close for years and a kiss 6 months ago turned into the most amazing relationship we've both experienced. We are both married. We work together. Our SO's are friends b/c of us. Our SO's trust our R, to a point where they are both happy when we travel together b/c they know we will have a good time and they trust us. It's so f'd up. I am day by day more unhappy in my M. My AP is not unhappy but not as happy as he is with me. He's not ready to leave his M, don't know if he ever will be. I don't know if I can start over with out him. I feel like a complete emotional mess. He tells me he feels the same, and I believe him. We are just in different situations. He's been married 10 yrs. I've been married 3. He and his W do not fight at all, they have no 'issues'. She loves him more than anything. I feel like I need to be committed. I don't know what to do, seriously. I am a total basket case. I'm a mess mostly b/c we are trying to end it b/c we feel like we owe it to our SO's, but realizing that we can't really ever end it b/c the feelings won't go away. He told me today that he knows he will love me for the rest of his life. I believe it b/c I feel the same way about him. What am I going to do? How do I make it through this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 08-26-2010 - 7:37pm

I wish I knew what to tell you figuring....


I fell head over heels in love with my AP too, we'd both been M appr. 25 years at that point. I was not in a fog either...so I came clean with my H, he left me...and AP and I are still together (3 years later). My H and I never fought, he and his W live like frenemies...they are quite cold with each other and he's told me that she admitted to him (two years in to their M) that she'd made a mistake marrying him, and that she didn't love him.


But guess what? He's not leaving her. So now here I am, lonelier than I've ever been in my life and dealing with some major depression issues. I'm usually a mess too.


Sorry, I know that probably doesn't help...but it is the reality.


Good luck,


benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Fri, 08-27-2010 - 3:25am
wow i am sorry to hear it is really challenging for you right now. i try so hard not to acknowledge the emotional side of stuff in my A, i mean the physical part is great - that is what i am supplementing in my marriage - but the emotional part, i just don't know - i think i would cave. why not find a therapist pronto and spend two sessions with him or her so u can talk to an objective, well-trained source? i would advise u to go out and get physical, ie go for a long hike, ride your bike for 10 miles+ and maybe leave him alone for now. it seems like u r in it too deep and u might need time to re-evaluate and give yourselves some space. when it all feels soooo good, it is really hard to make decisions. it does seem like some space would be really good for you b/c u have got to know what u want and what u don't want. if u don't then u r not in a strong place. good luck with it all and keep us posted on stuff.
when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 8:02pm
So to make matters worse, or better... we are back on. I saw him yesterday for the first time in a while (both been travelling for work, on vacation) and we went to get coffee and he kissed me in the elevator. Like nothing changed. We worked for a few hrs then went and ran some errands and he pulled the car over and kissed me again, more passionately... and we just both smiled like high school kids in love for the first time. We had decided last week to meet after work to 'talk' and we did, and ended up making out in a favorite back booth of a bar. An hour later we were at a hotel and seriously had the most amazing, passionate, I want you more than anything love making session, and it's only been two weeks since we last went there. It was like it had been months. We met there again this morning before work. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Seriously, wtf?! He told me yesterday that his W told him he should go see the doctor about viagra... b/c apparently he's at the point where he can't bring himself to be intimate at all with her. I've been like that in my M for a while, but that's new for him. He said he feels like a woman (nice, eh?) but that he is always making excuses, tired, headache, etc. He does NOT need viagra, by any stretch of the imagination. *sigh* What to do! I've completely fallen back in, mind, body and soul. He just makes me so happy its insane. My therapist even commented on how I light up when I talk about him and how it's clear we love eachother. Great!!! Who knows what's next.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 4:32pm

....All I know is tomorrow is my 3 yr anniversary with my H and I should feel guilty about my thoughts and feelings, but I

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2010
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 6:21pm
Here is my advice..1st...does he have kids? If he does, then the possibilty of him leaving his wife decreases. What you can do is take one day at a time. Don't push him, don't think about leaving right now. It has only been 6 months and maybe he just wants to make sure that what he is feeling is not just seual excitement and passion. Let him have a year before you start thinking about leaving.