Not the best advice giver on this board because I'm usually a mess myself but on this I do have a strong opinion.
If it's not too late please try to stop!! I'm not saying to not have an A but there is a better way to go about it. From my own experience, (check out my psychotic posts! LOL!) Recently, I have really counted on my girlfriends and mine and my husbands "couple" friends to help remind me of my real life and that there are people that really do love me and count on my friendship back. If you are close enough to vacation with them please try to keep it on the level. You may need this girlfriend one day to keep you grounded when you do have a great lover and you're feeling funky.
I have close friends that DO NOT know about me and my A. I also have friends that do know, and they have their own A's. BUt let me tell you when I am down, I go to the friends that do not know. It keeps me sane and I am SO thankful for them because they know the REAL me, the one that my AP doesn't know because I won't let him and he doesn't want to know, to be honest. You may need this friend one day and how bad would it suck if you were spending time with her because you were feeling funky about her husband. You couldn't. If you feel bad now...holy crap!!
I have had a short few A's and presently this very long one, who I am VERY attached to.. And I thank myself everyday for making the rule for myself that my lover and I would NOT overlap in anything, friends work etc...because when it gets funky (it will) you will need that space. And when it's over (one day), well then, it's just over and done. No bumping into each other, and you can move on like like it never happend. I am happliy married, like you, and my A's all came out looking for someone sexually compatible. There are lots of lovers out there and better ways to do this..I found mine on Ashley Madison.
A's are HARD ENOUGH! If you can keep it separate and and keep this friendship in tact please try. Not what you wanted to hear...I'm sorry. I know it's very exciting right now and flattering but if you just want great sex find a real "secret lover" .Just my thoughts :)
Hi Pi! Chechi pretty much said a lot of what I was going to say and hit a lot of good points. I can sort of relate to the position you are in, because I am extremely attracted to one of my best friend's boyfriends. Now, I will be the first to admit I have questionable values sometimes, and when I was first getting to know my friend, I was kinda also pursuing her boyfriend, and would have slept with him if I had the chance. We became much closer, and I recently confided in her about my current AP and she has provided me with so much support. Even though I still fantasize about him, she has been so great through my recent ups and downs that I just don't think I can do that to her. What Chechi said about possibly having to lean on her for support one day is so true!
As well as not playing too close to home. If you are interested in having an A, there ARE guys out there who will fill that desire, who aren't your best friend's husband. Things always kinda go wonky in As and you don't want that person in your daily life, that close to home. You know what they say about not sh*tting where you eat, you know? It seems like it will turn into a messy, painful situation. As are ALWAYS very exciting at first. They are new, forbidden passionate, you feel desired, but that doesn't last. I'm not saying don't go for an A, do it if that's what you want. I am very happy with my long time BF, but still have an AP, so I can relate to where you are coming from. Just reconsider your best friend's husband.
yeah, you are a mess :-).. but it's all good.. you're surely not the only one.. far from it.. at least around "here"..
i sense that you are at the edge of the fence.. which is not a bad place to be at actually..
if you read a lot of the posts here and in similar forums, you'll see that, in your specific case, you are in a much more dangerous place than most here in terms of reasoning and circumstances.
you are now slightly inside the affair fog, can still see outside it but your vision is getting blurry. all you go through with potential AP is very exciting, new, brings feelings you are unaccustomed to, addictive, tittilating.. and the key word here is addictive of course.. the danger, the possibilities, it's like being in a spy movie, but in real life, in YOUR life, how could that not be captivating, right?.. and in a way, it's not necessarily him that makes this work for you, but the whole situation you find yourself in.. under different circumstances, he wouldn't even interest you this much most likely..
but you also can sense the flip side (thank God).. that there are very real dangers here, especially that he's in your circle, which means you'll be found out sooner than later.. and now you have a husband (and his wife) ruined for life.. harmed beyond repair..
discovery is only one of the dangers.. what will become of the two of you "after" the "first" time, or later, is another.. there's nothing easy about an A and many challenges between the two of you lurk ahead.. that you are most likely not equipped to handle, since YOU especially are in a happy marriage.. and for him, yes, things may not be as bright at home, but most likely he's exaggerating.. we all do!..
at the end, the choice is yours.. of course.. but, in your specific case, i'd stay put, let your friend know that the right thing to do for YOU is to stay true to your marriage.. if he truly respects you, he will understand.. if he's after your ass, he'll try to change your mind.. and then, you'll see what he's really made of clearly..
I think its great that you are questioning all this and although it has now become an emotional affair, once it becomes physical there is no going back. I'll give my opinions on your situation &
I am in an affair with my husband's best friend, who I was good friends with too, so I know where you are coming from. We both went into it with our eyes wide open and are now trying to stop. Not sure if it will happen or not, he's scared of getting caught and losing everything.
I can't say go ahead or stop, but think long and hard about what you are going into. I don't regret entering an affair, either way we will still be best of friends when it's done.
Life, I would only echo what everyone else is saying here. If you want to go ahead, picture this. You're on the Oprah show and Gayle King, her best friend, and she are looking at you like you crawled out from under a rock somewhere and saying - "...but HOW could you do that to your BEST FRIEND??" I only say that because I saw a segment of Oprah once where she talked to "other women" or MW who had affairs. Some of them did us proud, but the ones who had an affair with a friend's husband were looked on as the lowest of the low. Somehow, women in general think the betrayal of the friend is worse than the betrayal of the husband! It's like - underneath it all they can understand a husband being part of the reason that we had an A, but there's no reason to betray a friend. Men feel the same way about a man who has an affair with his friend's wife. Both you and your potential AP would have no friends left if the A was discovered! When we're down, that's when we need our friends. As has been said, men can come and go to some extent, but our GIRLS are there through it all! PLEASE let this one go!
And, BTW, welcome to MAS! :-)
Proud to be a
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Nevereasy, just thought I'd let you know how much I enjoy your posts. Your input from a male perspective is so valuable here, and you're smart and insightful too! Just a pat on the back. :)
Proud to be a
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
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Not the best advice giver on this board because I'm usually a mess myself but on this I do have a strong opinion.
If it's not too late please try to stop!! I'm not saying to not have an A but there is a better way to go about it. From my own experience, (check out my psychotic posts! LOL!) Recently, I have really counted on my girlfriends and mine and my husbands "couple" friends to help remind me of my real life and that there are people that really do love me and count on my friendship back. If you are close enough to vacation with them please try to keep it on the level. You may need this girlfriend one day to keep you grounded when you do have a great lover and you're feeling funky.
I have close friends that DO NOT know about me and my A. I also have friends that do know, and they have their own A's. BUt let me tell you when I am down, I go to the friends that do not know. It keeps me sane and I am SO thankful for them because they know the REAL me, the one that my AP doesn't know because I won't let him and he doesn't want to know, to be honest. You may need this friend one day and how bad would it suck if you were spending time with her because you were feeling funky about her husband. You couldn't. If you feel bad now...holy crap!!
I have had a short few A's and presently this very long one, who I am VERY attached to.. And I thank myself everyday for making the rule for myself that my lover and I would NOT overlap in anything, friends work etc...because when it gets funky (it will) you will need that space. And when it's over (one day), well then, it's just over and done. No bumping into each other, and you can move on like like it never happend. I am happliy married, like you, and my A's all came out looking for someone sexually compatible. There are lots of lovers out there and better ways to do this..I found mine on Ashley Madison.
A's are HARD ENOUGH! If you can keep it separate and and keep this friendship in tact please try. Not what you wanted to hear...I'm sorry. I know it's very exciting right now and flattering but if you just want great sex find a real "secret lover" .Just my thoughts :)
Edited 6/25/2010 12:07 pm ET by chechi2007
Hi Pi!
Chechi pretty much said a lot of what I was going to say and hit a lot of good points. I can sort of relate to the position you are in, because I am extremely attracted to one of my best friend's boyfriends. Now, I will be the first to admit I have questionable values sometimes, and when I was first getting to know my friend, I was kinda also pursuing her boyfriend, and would have slept with him if I had the chance. We became much closer, and I recently confided in her about my current AP and she has provided me with so much support. Even though I still fantasize about him, she has been so great through my recent ups and downs that I just don't think I can do that to her. What Chechi said about possibly having to lean on her for support one day is so true!
As well as not playing too close to home. If you are interested in having an A, there ARE guys out there who will fill that desire, who aren't your best friend's husband. Things always kinda go wonky in As and you don't want that person in your daily life, that close to home. You know what they say about not sh*tting where you eat, you know? It seems like it will turn into a messy, painful situation.
As are ALWAYS very exciting at first. They are new, forbidden passionate, you feel desired, but that doesn't last. I'm not saying don't go for an A, do it if that's what you want. I am very happy with my long time BF, but still have an AP, so I can relate to where you are coming from. Just reconsider your best friend's husband.
yeah, you are a mess :-).. but it's all good.. you're surely not the only one.. far from it.. at least around "here"..
i sense that you are at the edge of the fence.. which is not a bad place to be at actually..
if you read a lot of the posts here and in similar forums, you'll see that, in your specific case, you are in a much more dangerous place than most here in terms of reasoning and circumstances.
you are now slightly inside the affair fog, can still see outside it but your vision is getting blurry. all you go through with potential AP is very exciting, new, brings feelings you are unaccustomed to, addictive, tittilating.. and the key word here is addictive of course.. the danger, the possibilities, it's like being in a spy movie, but in real life, in YOUR life, how could that not be captivating, right?.. and in a way, it's not necessarily him that makes this work for you, but the whole situation you find yourself in.. under different circumstances, he wouldn't even interest you this much most likely..
but you also can sense the flip side (thank God).. that there are very real dangers here, especially that he's in your circle, which means you'll be found out sooner than later.. and now you have a husband (and his wife) ruined for life.. harmed beyond repair..
discovery is only one of the dangers.. what will become of the two of you "after" the "first" time, or later, is another.. there's nothing easy about an A and many challenges between the two of you lurk ahead.. that you are most likely not equipped to handle, since YOU especially are in a happy marriage.. and for him, yes, things may not be as bright at home, but most likely he's exaggerating.. we all do!..
at the end, the choice is yours.. of course.. but, in your specific case, i'd stay put, let your friend know that the right thing to do for YOU is to stay true to your marriage.. if he truly respects you, he will understand.. if he's after your ass, he'll try to change your mind.. and then, you'll see what he's really made of clearly..
good luck..
--
Hi Life of pi,
I think its great that you are questioning all this and although it has now become an emotional affair, once it becomes physical there is no going back. I'll give my opinions on your situation &
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
<
I am in an affair with my husband's best friend, who I was good friends with too, so I know where you are coming from. We both went into it with our eyes wide open and are now trying to stop. Not sure if it will happen or not, he's scared of getting caught and losing everything.
I can't say go ahead or stop, but think long and hard about what you are going into. I don't regret entering an affair, either way we will still be best of friends when it's done.
You're not going to want to hear this, but you really need to end this NOW.
anotherseyes
Life, I would only echo what everyone else is saying here. If you want to go ahead, picture this. You're on the Oprah show and Gayle King, her best friend, and she are looking at you like you crawled out from under a rock somewhere and saying - "...but HOW could you do that to your BEST FRIEND??" I only say that because I saw a segment of Oprah once where she talked to "other women" or MW who had affairs. Some of them did us proud, but the ones who had an affair with a friend's husband were looked on as the lowest of the low. Somehow, women in general think the betrayal of the friend is worse than the betrayal of the husband! It's like - underneath it all they can understand a husband being part of the reason that we had an A, but there's no reason to betray a friend. Men feel the same way about a man who has an affair with his friend's wife. Both you and your potential AP would have no friends left if the A was discovered! When we're down, that's when we need our friends. As has been said, men can come and go to some extent, but our GIRLS are there through it all! PLEASE let this one go!
And, BTW, welcome to MAS! :-)
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
I was just wondering can we really call him your husband's best friend when he has no problem sleeping with his friend's wife ? just asking.
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