I'm a mess - please please help me!
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| Thu, 09-11-2003 - 10:46am |
Maybe some of you remember me, I wrote here before and I did what all of you suggested but my story took, even for me, an unexpected turn.
I met this guy through the internet but he didn’t know the real me but my cyber me. (Although my feelings I wrote where true) When he wanted to meet me I got scared and wrote to you. I did as you suggested and came clean. Told him (on the phone as I didn’t want to tell him through email) everything, that I’m not who he thinks I am that I’m married and have children. To my surprise he had to come clean as well and told me he is married.
To my amazement he still wanted to meet me and so we did.
This is where my big mess starts. (I promise I will try to make it short)
I live in Europe and he lives in the States.
While he was here, we had a great, intensive time. He is adorable, sweet kind and yes I do have very strong feelings for him - I love him. On our last night something happened, while we where out somebody broke into my car …That night, the night before he left was not a very nice one. I was scared, didn’t know what to tell my Husband the Police was asking a lot of things. It was late and I dropped him off and went straight home. There was no long goodbye kiss - nothing!! He went back to the hotel called his wife and told her everything!!!!! I called him the next day and he told me that he told his wife, I was so shocked. Why did he do that??
The thing is, he really wants me. He wants me to divorce and wants me and the children to move to the States.
He is back in the States now and has spoken to his wife. I haven’t had the chance to speak to him properly but as far as I understood, she doesn’t want him anymore and they are getting divorced.
Why am I a mess?
Really do love him. He is everything I ever wanted.
But this pressure that I have to tell my husband, that I need to get divorced as soon as possible just scares me. The thought of leaving Europe and living in the States, with my two children. I wouldn’t have any family there. I don’t know if my DD could handle, not having Daddy anymore AND living in a new country.
I never thought he would want things to happen so fast. If I wouldn’t have the children I would be with him right now but I just don’t know if I can do that to them.
I never thought for a moment that he would “want” me so much to give up everything.
I feel bad because he has already told his wife, his mother, sister and father.
I have spoken to him and I have told him that things are going a little too fast for me, that I have to consider my children too, that is not that easy to just pack my bags and come and live with him. I’ve never been in America – what if I don’t like it?
I know, you are thinking tell him and I did but he wants us to be together by next year. He thinks if I really do want him then it should be possible for us to be together by that time.
I don’t want to loose him, I do love him – I’m a mess!!
Please help me out here.
What is your opinion What are your thoughts?
I just need somebody to “talk” to and I know that I can count on you, without being judged.
Thank you

so, you love your MM. do you love your H? do you want to separate and divorce and move on with your MM? i don't know how old your children are, but kids are really adaptable. no doubt, it will be hard to move yourself and the kids to the States away from their father, but it CAN be done. it will take lots of loving attention and patience, plus involving the children in activites they love, sports, dance, whatever.
first you need to answer some hard questions for yourself. and then you will have to sit your H down and talk to him. have a plan first. do you have a job and your own money? can you put some aside to build a nestegg? if you leave, move by yourself or ask your H to move out until you are ready to move to the States. take some time to think about what YOU want. your children will be happy to be with you if you are content with the situation. i believe that if you separate soon and stay in the area where their father can see them on a regular basis and then in six months (or how ever long you -- and the kids -- need), make the move to the States to be with your MM.
i was married for 16 years and had 3 children and only a part-time job when i left my H to eventually be with the OM i was interested in. i got an apartment and a second job and it was difficult at first but i was much happier and after a few months the children adjusted and we all came out of it pretty well. i did not end up with that OM, but was on my own and finding my way in the world and still juggling all those balls (work, relationship, kids -- grown up but still needing their mom) and lots of girlfriends.
good luck no matter what you decide, but it has to be your decision!
take care,
gurl
I have read your post, and I think it is moving
awfully fast too. You basically met a guy on the
internet and had a great visit together. That is
not a lot of research on the guy.
If it were me, I would want to know him for awhile
just to be sure he is not as impulsive as he seems.
As for moving to America, in some ways it is like
England, and in many ways it is not. You might find
you like it, but will no doubt always miss "home".
I feel for your children in all of this. I would hate
for you to uproot them and then have a big surprise
with this guy.
It is just my opinion, but I would want to know him
a whole lot better before I risked the kinds of changes
you are contemplating. Better takes time, but you are
worth it.
good luck...
My opinion is that you are not comfortable with the idea of leaving Europe and your childrens' dad behind and starting a new life in the states with a man you hardly know. You say you love him, but it doesn't sound like you even really know him - sure, you know his body, and you know what he told you over the internet, but some of that was lies, as you know, and you don't know what else he told you that consist of lies.
You are in doubt. When in doubt, don't. If he loves you, he WILL wait for you. If I were in HIS shoes, if I loved my affair partner and wanted to be with him, I would be willing to wait a bit for him to get comfortable and to get his affairs (so to speak) in order.
His pushing is NOT making me feel good about him for you.
Why is it you who must move? You are the one with children. Does he have children? You just said that he's m. I too think he's moving awful fast and that would make me very nervous. Actually it would send ME running, but that's just me. I would also wait if you do have strong feelings for him. Maybe ask him to come move out by you after awhile. If you even want to leave your husband. But I think even if you do decide to end the m, I would wait to move to a different country to be with a man you really know nothing about. You have to think of your childrens safety. There are too many "weird" people in the world and I hate to rain on your parade, but I also just really want you to becareful and think this through all of the angles. Everyone takes a chance with love, but don't take too big of ones when it comes to your children. I feel for you though. I'm sure you feel as if there is no way this man you have these strong feelings for could ever be anything other then wonderful & maybe he is, I hope so. But just becareful. Tell me how it goes. Goodluck!
I'm glad you could come to the board to post, and hope just writing it out has helped you a bit.
Just because a couple talks about divorce doesn't mean it will happen, for many reasons. What if the wife decides she doesn't want to divorce, what if your MM decides he doesn't want to...and what if you will have decided what the h&ll, and you start divorce proceedings and uproot your family to move to the States, while MM stays in his marriage?
Or, what if your MM does divorce, and you do as well, and move with your children to the States (assuming your husband will allow it - I don't know the divorce laws in Europe, but in my state the court and husband would have to approve it) - and your children have adjusted, and you have, but the relationship isn't what you thought it would be?
Or, what happens if your MM has *told* you he's divorced, so you divorce, move to the States with your children and everything is wonderful for your children and you and MM...and then you find out he is *not* divorced?
What if you move to the States, and your children don't like him, or he doesn't like your children?
I'm giving you worse case scenerios above, because you don't really *know* the man, anymore than he knows you - just because you communicate through the internet or by phone doesn't mean you know the real him, even if you've met. And, even if you do know the real him, it doesn't mean that you will all mesh in real life.
There are the practicalities, too. Have you thought how you will support yourself and your children if you do move over? I don't even know that you would be able to move over permanently - most likely for 6 months at a time, and even then, Customs will say something in time if you come for 6 months, leave when your visa is up, and then come back for another 6 months, and so on in a cycle, unless you marry MM. I doubt you would be able to gain US citizenship just because you want to move to the States, unless you marry MM. I doubt you would be able to receive government assistance, without marrying MM - they would send you back home first. I should think the same would happen for MM if he were to move to Europe, unless you two were married. Though, there is the possibility that either of you could transfer to the other country through your company - and even then, would the company in the other country be in the right area to where the other lives?
Of course, it *could* all work out if you two really love each other. But, not overnight. If it is something you want, then you will enjoy the challenge of living in another country - although Europe and America have differences, there are similarities too, and the continents are becoming more and more alike. You might miss your favorite foods or shops, and definitely your family, but you will also enjoy new experiences.
BUT, Please, don't allow him to pressure you. Do NOT feel bad because he has told his wife and family - that was *his* decision, not yours, and you are not leading him on.
Perhaps taking a step back away from it ALL - MM & husband - to think about YOU will help. If it weren't for MM, would you still want to divorce? If you were already divorced and had met MM, would you consider moving to the States? Do you think you will cope in jumping from marriage straight into a committed relationship with MM, whether it works out in the end or not? Trouble, where do you see yourself in a year or two? - consider what you want regardless of MM or husband, because you cannot base YOUR wants/needs/desires on their actions in the event they do not act as anticipated.
Whatever you do, don't stress over it. You will be moving in the direction you want in a year from now if you know where that is, and work towards it, whatever *it* is. After all, it's your life, and you are in the driving seat!
Best of luck - do let us know how your journey goes.
Meow
Have you thought about talking things over with a counselor? It sometimes helps to talk to an objective party to help you sort things out. I also believe very mugh in gut feelings and it sounds like yours is telling you that this is not the right thing to do. If this man really loves you he'll give you time to sort things out and make the decision that's right for you. Nobody should make you feel forced to make such major a decision. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you!
TA