I'm new and have some questions for all

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
I'm new and have some questions for all
8
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:02am
Okay I understand that most of the women on this board are having affairs. I stumbled upon this board trying to find advice for my temptation to have an affair. I notice most of you are having affairs because you are sexually dissatified with your husbands or just completely dissatified overall with your husbands. If that be the case, why don't you leave them instead of having an affair? What are your reasons that make keeping the relationship worthwhile? And I'm not trying to put down any of you women having affairs, but I'm just curious, how can you say that it is a normal thing on this board just because this board is a gathering of others in the same situation? You make it sound as if it's okay. Do you care that infidelity is rejected by the majority of society? Or are you trying to go against what society defines as right?

Now I have come to this board because I have been tempted to have an affair and am fighting that temptation. And I have never been in this kind of situation before. I morally believe that infidelity is horribly wrong, although what everyone does is their own business. I'm struggling to hold onto my morals and self respect. Because unlike most of you on this board I have a good relationship with my BF. We had arguing problems in the past and do argue on occasion but I believe we have come a long way. And we have both put a lot of work into this relationship and our finances have been combined for quite awhile now. Now if I were to have this affair it would count as betrayal towards my BF and wouldn't be fair to the other guy.

You can read more about my situation in my other thread. But anyways, just trying to get to know you guys and how you think in terms of affairs. Since this is all new to me.

Suzu

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:24am
I can only speak for myself, but I doubt there is one woman on this board who thinks deep down inside herself that her affair is right, that its okay. We all know it is wrong, and we do not come here to justify it at all, we come here just to hear about others in similar situations, its always nice to know you are not alone. The reasons we dont leave our marriages can be many. As for myself, my H and I have a long history together as does my MM and his W. Its not easy to just pack up and leave. The total dynamics of it all can be overwhelming. So for now we remain status quo. And honestly, I truly believe infidelity is more prevalent than most think. No, that doesnt make it right, but I expect you even know someone who is having an affair, but you just arent aware of it. I applaud you for thinking things through and not jumping into it right away, you have to listen to your heart, and yes sometimes your head too.

Mama

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 11:19am
Actually, I'm in a GREAT marriage. And I'm not the only one on this board who is. But last year a MM began coming onto me, giving me tons of attention and making me feel more beautiful than I've ever felt in my life. He told me he was falling in love with me, that he couldn't stop thinking about me -- all without me saying a word to feed it. Eventually he sucked me in. Believe me, I'm fighting this A with everything I have. We've only kissed and for a while I seriously considered going further, but I just can't. Like you, I have morals and self-respect and all that but I honestly feel that any number of people would have been challenged by this man. He just has a charisma I can't explain... But I came back from the holidays more resolved than ever to fight this and aside from one slip, I'm really doing well. It helps that he's fighting it too and neither one of us are telling each other our deep dark fantasies as we used to. I think the line he's drawn is that there's nothing wrong with fantasizing about someone and dreaming you'll be together someday but when you TELL the other person about that fantasy, that's when you cross the line. Right now what I'm trying to focus on is the long term. In time, I'm pretty sure I will be able to have him permanently if I want him, but the issue lately has become "Do I really want him?" I'm not 100% sure about that but I'm entertaining myself now by telling myself, every time I see him, that I will be married to him someday and I'll be able to be with him as much as I want to be with him. That seems to be enough, for now... I've learned whatever way I can trick myself just to get through the day, to go with it! But I've always been a dreamer, which is why I know good and well the instant I cross that line and sleep with him, the fun will be over and this will become something dark and miserable and I'll have to leave my H. I guess it's all about who you are and how you handle things because, honestly, every single one of us are different and are equipped to handle this or not handle this differently...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 2:58pm
I found out my mother had an affair and I was so pissed at the time I found out words can not express it. And I was even more pissed that my father had forgiven her and chose to stay with her. I was going to have it all out with my mother but my father begged me not to. So we had an uncomfortable talk. Nowadays I don't think about it and forget it ever happened. So that is one person I do know that has had an affair, unfortunately that person is my mother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:52pm

hi suzu and welcome to the board!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:54pm
First, I want to say that I do know and understand that I am wrong for my infedility. I am a Christian and I struggle daily with the love I have developed for my MM. Will you ever catch me apologizing for being in love with MM, not over my dead body. Why do I stay married? Number one reason: Hell, will freeze over the day I let another woman near my child. He does not need another mother figure in his life and my husband is the marrying kind. Also, Fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, and the fear of being self sufficient. Am I a wimp b/c of this? Yes.

I also agree that there are many people in your life who are having an affair. No one talks about it but they are. Your preacher could have, your best friend, and also even your own husband. More people than not have experienced infidelity. If people weren't cheating there would not be hundreds of books on the subject of "building affair proofed marriages" and "love to last a lifetime."

As far as you are concerned in your own EMA, please be careful. They are taxing on your life, your thoughts, your marriage, your friendship, everything. They can bring so much happiness to your life and leave before you are ready to say goodbye. My MM and I are very different, I believe. He is my soul mate to which no one can compare. He will leave his W soon for me, I just hope I can do the same. Think it through first. They are not always worth the pain they can cause.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:35pm
I don't want to come across as a monster who has no conscience and moral values but I am involved with a married woman and I am fully aware that what I am doing violates the societal standards six ways from Sunday. But our society is far from being perfect and tends to base its opinions mostly on gross generalizations. Everybody's situation is different and simply cannot be defined as "right" or "wrong", there are always two sides to every story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 5:52pm
Hi Suzu,

The women of this board are very correct in saying that MANY people are having A's. Yep, your preacher, boss or H could be having one. I knew and know sooo many people involved in A's...those I'd NEVER expect. At one time I was convinced EVERYONE, but me, was having one! But I kept my eyes opened and learned that not EVERYONE is having them. Rest assured, not everyone is. It is hard to accurately know how many A's are going on and you don't want to be too naive about it, but you don't want to be too cynical about it either.

I believe one of the factors that make A's as common as they are is the "everyone is doing it" approach. No one here appears to justify A's, but at the same time, it is pretty clear many did not try hard enough to resist them.

As was mentioned by the other posters, people have A's for various reasons, and those reasons are very valid in the mind of the person(s) having the A. But the core reason of all A's is a conscious decision to have one. A's don't "just happen". Things that just happen don't take effort, planning secret rendevous, diversion, and suppression of the truth. An A (in the context of this board) is all of those things. I don't necessarily think all the people of this board woke up one mornig and said, "I think I'll start an A today!" (although some might have, LOL). The A's gradually happen, but most every step leading to the A was a conscious decision. Also, it is never too late to back out before anything is consummated...women do it all the time in regular, non Affair situations.

Continue to read and post to this board. You can learn an awful lot about A's from these folks without actually engaging in an A. Also, consider visiting or posting to the "All Sides of the Affair" board http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rbmyaffair. Corresponding on both boards will give you a much broader perspective than just one board.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 6:37pm
I have to agree with boston...I have morals...but who's to say that my morals are wrong? Society? Please...

If my religious beliefs and moral are not excepted by society as a whole then that is society's problem.

I deal with ppl on a one on one basis. I'm not saying that everyone should run out and have an affair but I don't think that everyone who does opt for that should be condemned either.

My mother was a b/s and my father had more affairs then I can count. However, it is not his affairs I held against him, it was the way he treated me....you see, his affairs and his marriage were between the ppl involved in those relationships, and although as his child I was effected in ways, I was not a primary player so who's to say what exactly caused him to stray?

I have been married and had an affair, I have been married (to someone else) and NOT had an affair, I have been the OW and I have been the MW...people are only human and looking to make their way through this life.

I have a strong caution however, please please, if you are in the considering stages, make sure you weigh the negative out for yourself because EMAs are never "easy".

Good luck to you, I hope you find the answers you seek.