I'm new and have some questions for all
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| Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:02am |
Now I have come to this board because I have been tempted to have an affair and am fighting that temptation. And I have never been in this kind of situation before. I morally believe that infidelity is horribly wrong, although what everyone does is their own business. I'm struggling to hold onto my morals and self respect. Because unlike most of you on this board I have a good relationship with my BF. We had arguing problems in the past and do argue on occasion but I believe we have come a long way. And we have both put a lot of work into this relationship and our finances have been combined for quite awhile now. Now if I were to have this affair it would count as betrayal towards my BF and wouldn't be fair to the other guy.
You can read more about my situation in my other thread. But anyways, just trying to get to know you guys and how you think in terms of affairs. Since this is all new to me.
Suzu

Mama
hi suzu and welcome to the board!
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
I also agree that there are many people in your life who are having an affair. No one talks about it but they are. Your preacher could have, your best friend, and also even your own husband. More people than not have experienced infidelity. If people weren't cheating there would not be hundreds of books on the subject of "building affair proofed marriages" and "love to last a lifetime."
As far as you are concerned in your own EMA, please be careful. They are taxing on your life, your thoughts, your marriage, your friendship, everything. They can bring so much happiness to your life and leave before you are ready to say goodbye. My MM and I are very different, I believe. He is my soul mate to which no one can compare. He will leave his W soon for me, I just hope I can do the same. Think it through first. They are not always worth the pain they can cause.
The women of this board are very correct in saying that MANY people are having A's. Yep, your preacher, boss or H could be having one. I knew and know sooo many people involved in A's...those I'd NEVER expect. At one time I was convinced EVERYONE, but me, was having one! But I kept my eyes opened and learned that not EVERYONE is having them. Rest assured, not everyone is. It is hard to accurately know how many A's are going on and you don't want to be too naive about it, but you don't want to be too cynical about it either.
I believe one of the factors that make A's as common as they are is the "everyone is doing it" approach. No one here appears to justify A's, but at the same time, it is pretty clear many did not try hard enough to resist them.
As was mentioned by the other posters, people have A's for various reasons, and those reasons are very valid in the mind of the person(s) having the A. But the core reason of all A's is a conscious decision to have one. A's don't "just happen". Things that just happen don't take effort, planning secret rendevous, diversion, and suppression of the truth. An A (in the context of this board) is all of those things. I don't necessarily think all the people of this board woke up one mornig and said, "I think I'll start an A today!" (although some might have, LOL). The A's gradually happen, but most every step leading to the A was a conscious decision. Also, it is never too late to back out before anything is consummated...women do it all the time in regular, non Affair situations.
Continue to read and post to this board. You can learn an awful lot about A's from these folks without actually engaging in an A. Also, consider visiting or posting to the "All Sides of the Affair" board http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rbmyaffair. Corresponding on both boards will give you a much broader perspective than just one board.
Pen
If my religious beliefs and moral are not excepted by society as a whole then that is society's problem.
I deal with ppl on a one on one basis. I'm not saying that everyone should run out and have an affair but I don't think that everyone who does opt for that should be condemned either.
My mother was a b/s and my father had more affairs then I can count. However, it is not his affairs I held against him, it was the way he treated me....you see, his affairs and his marriage were between the ppl involved in those relationships, and although as his child I was effected in ways, I was not a primary player so who's to say what exactly caused him to stray?
I have been married and had an affair, I have been married (to someone else) and NOT had an affair, I have been the OW and I have been the MW...people are only human and looking to make their way through this life.
I have a strong caution however, please please, if you are in the considering stages, make sure you weigh the negative out for yourself because EMAs are never "easy".
Good luck to you, I hope you find the answers you seek.