I'm new and I need opinions
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 08-12-2009 - 6:54pm |
I have no idea where to begin, I guess the start of all of this would be good huh?
I met my AP almost 10 years ago. When we met, I was married with a 5 year old daughter and he was in a commited relationship with no children. My marriage was a very abusive one, physically, and I was young and too scared to leave. I was never allowed to work so I had no money for leaving. I met my AP through family members at a graduation function that I had to travel to, so obviously my AP and I have been in a long distance A for the whole 10 years.
After meeting at the function, we exchanged e-mails and spent most of the night talking. My husband didn't go on that trip, and his GF at the time was there but he didn't care if she noticed the time he was spending with me. This was a weekend trip for me and most of it was spent with him. During that weekend we didn't sleep together or kiss or get intimate at all. We only sat together and talked. After leaving to come home that weekend, I never expected to hear from him again. He was 4 years younger than me and I was married. I knew he would never want to deal with what my lifestyle offered. However, much to my surprise, as soon as I got back home and got settled in from the trip, I logged online to find that he had e-mailed.

Hi
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Your absolutely right about the honesty we have. When we met and began really talking we promised each other that there was nothing that we would ever hide from each other. We never wanted any skeletons coming out of our closets that might come between us in our futures.
This has always been so difficult for others to understand about us. I have met my AP's sister, co-workers, and other friends, and I even met one of his GF's that he had while we were together. I also met the GF he had when he and I met that he was so commited to. No one has ever understood what we share in friendship and beyond. All of the women that were in his life left him because of me. I am not proud of that, but I also knew I was doing nothing wrong. We promised each other that we would never compromise what we had just because someone else might not understand it.
We have talked many times about the fact that we are the only people in each others life that we can tell everything to and know that we don't judge each other, and that we still love each other the same if not more than we did before. We really treasure that.
I feel like everything happens for a reason and after 10 years, there has to be a reason that we are both still here together in this. I want to believe and I tell myself to believe that he loves me more than he even loves his wife, but then I fear because I want that so much, that maybe my wants are blurring the reality. Maybe someday the reason he and I are still here will come to the surface... til then, I long for every waking moment with him just as I have for 10 years.
SweetPea
I read the whole story, and I do feel bad for you both.
However, I can't wrap my head around the part where you were divorcing and stayed out of contact for 6 months? It isn't that you "waited too long to get divorced", it's that you totally abandoned him and stayed out of contact for 6 months. How was he to know that you weren't ending it with him when you did that? No contact ALWAYS means "good-bye", OR "I'm dead or in the hospital". It never ever means "I'm getting divorced and we can be together soon - just wait!" You say you wanted to "surprise" him, well, you could have kept in contact without telling him you were getting divorced (although I think that would have been a bad idea too. People need time to digest and plan for life changing events, even if they're good ones.) It just seems you could have put yourself in his place and thought - How would I feel if he didn't contact me for 6 months, didn't answer my e-mails and his phone numbers didn't work? I know you said you didn't have internet, but you could have called.
I also feel bad for his wife, who must have comforted him in his grief and loved him enough to really get him to want a life with her.
It seems like a huge mess now, and I feel sorry for everyone's pain. I especially feel bad for him and what he must have gone through during those 6 months. Everyone here knows how hard it is when a loved one goes "no contact", it feels like abandonment and betrayal all at the same time.
Just wondering - how did you expect him to handle that 6 months? Did you think he would be OK with it? Did you give him any indication ahead of time that you might be out of touch for awhile? (That would help).
I have no advice to give for the present situation, except I wish the best for all of you, somehow...
You've got a lot of choices. I
Hi Lexi,
First, thank you for the response. You are soooo very right! I wish now (and have many times over in the past 4 years) that I had not made the decision to surprise him with the divorce. He and I have talked about how things would have been so much different had I just told him. He thought it was sweet of me to want to surprise him with something so huge, but at the same time, it should have never been a 6 month surprise. He said he could have understood a week, maybe even 2, but no longer. At the time, I thought I was doing what was right by keeping him out of it. I felt that my H at the time would be watching my every move, (and he was, I had to get a restraining order), and as abusive as my H was, I didn't want him to find out about my AP and hurt him. I also didn't want my AP to ever believe that he was the main reason for my divorce, and that because of him, my daughter would be from a broken home. My AP always wanted my divorce to be something that happened because my H and I could not make it, regardless of if my AP was there or not. Also, I didn't want to tell my AP that I was leaving my H only to find myself back in the house with my H. I needed to make sure I could leave and stay gone. So many factors came into play back then, and regardless of what I thought was the right and best way to handle it, it ended up being wrong.