I'm new. Any support appreciated

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
I'm new. Any support appreciated
5
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 6:12pm
Hi everyone

This is my first time. I’m not sure where to start. I started A with MM 2 years ago. I have been with my H for 17 years and we have 2 kids. I was in touch with MM for 2 years before we first met. I loved him before I finally met him. The thing is, we’ve been having A now for 2 years and for the first 8 months it was great. We spoke and emailed all the time and he became a very special part of my life. After 8 months I got very down over the fact that I now wanted to be with MM, but couldn’t. Me & H had a blazing row during which he said he’d leave – I said fine – but he didn’t. Then I panicked and rang MM to tell him I’d have to end A with him. He was gutted – but continued to ring me and after a few weeks we got it back together again. We saw each other about 6 times during that first year (he lives 200 miles away) then after another 3m I finally left H. I was just so unhappy being with him that being on my own seemed preferable. I rang MM to explain and gave him the chance to pull out of our relationship, given that I was now effectively single, but he didn’t – at first. Then after a couple of weeks he emailed me to say that he did want to end it as ‘the equilibrium’ had gone and he and his W had had a heart to heart a month or two earlier and decided to try harder with each other. This is almost exactly 12m ago. I rang him to say I fully understood and we had a good talk (we are good friends as much as anything and are both pretty open). Anyway, three days later he rang me (just after H had attacked me – it happened regularly) and said he’d been wrong and he did love me. He came up that night and everything was perfect. The next morning, however, I felt terrible that his W was ‘trying’ and here I was sleeping with him. How could that be fair on her? So I told him. Things cooled a lot after this. I have seen him only twice since – and both times have been at my instigation and effort to go to him. After 7 months I went back to H (I don’t know why). Then, about a month ago, MMs interest suddenly increased. He was in touch more and finally said he loves me to bits and it goes very deep, but he is afraid so goes into denial now and then. However, we arranged to meet last week (for the first time in 5 months) and at the last minute he cancelled, assuring me it was unavoidable and giving good reason. However, the paranoid side of me asked him if he was sure he wanted us to continue – but now I wish I hadn’t asked as he’s cooled off again! My H, on the other hand, has been trying really hard to put things right – stopping drinking, spending more time with the kids and helping around the house – but I just don’t love him the way I should – the way I love MM. Sex with MM is gentle, tender & slow. H has not known me for years and had pretty much beat me down mentally.

What I want to know is ‘am I being foolish now’ or is there anyone out there who’s been through all this for years and ended up with MM eventually – at his instigation, with his full support and without any prompting? I can’t get on the internet much as my H isn’t keen but I really hope somebody out there recognises themselves and puts my mind at ease over MMs behaviour. Are there any men reading who identify with my MM? It’s nice to have someone to talk too. Thank you for at least reading to the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 8:11pm
Hello Pammsie

Welcome here

I have not been in your spot thank God, but wanted to make sure you got at least one response.

This yo-yo thing with MM must be hard to take, have you considered leaving both men behind and starting fresh, it just sounds that your putting out so much effort and really getting very little back, I give your husband due respect for stopping drinking and hope he keeps it up for you and the kids.

GOOD LUCK

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 11:13pm
hi pammsie,

I think you will find alot of good advice on here, there are some very smart women who post

I too have been married for 17 years,I left my H a few years ago, and also went back for some stupid reason.

My A is not been going on very long, only 4 months, I wish I could tell you that there are happy endings with MM but from what I have been reading that is not a reality. I'm not trying to bust your bubble so to speak, because I too wish there could be a happy ending.

As far as the yo-yo thing that is going on between you and your MM, I honestly do not know how you can deal with that. I told my MM that when we ended our A it was over for good, there would be too much heartbreak for me to go on again off again with him.

I feel like if it would take prompting to get your MM to plan a future with you, hes not worth it. I may live in a dream world but if my MM ever wanted a future with me, he would have to come willing and because that is what he wants more than anything. But I honestly do not think they are willing to give up the comfy life they have with the W, the stability of a long term marriage, some men are very deadset against splitting assests with the W.

I know I was probably not alot of help but I just wanted to share my opinion with you

Maybe it is time for you to move away from both of the men in your life and find someone who will make you truely happy!

Good Luck-----SB

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 3:47pm
Thanks to you both. Probably the advice I’d have given somebody in my position and I know you’re right. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 11:27am
pamsie, i can relate to your situation. my mm is also the kind who pulls back if you get closer to him. he just likes the chase and after you get closer to him he pulls back. it is a yo yo relationship just like free said in her post. I would stay away from both of the men in your life and try to concentrate on yourself. you are worth it. do not let them run your life - you have to run it yourself. take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 7:46pm
Hi,

I read your post in response to my post (still a fool after 3 years).

MM never hook up with the woman that they are having the affair with. Maybe you need to let go of both men - hubby and MM.

I am the perfect example of the truth that MM never leave- even if their wife wants the divorce. I am still sick over hearing my MM tell me that he didnt want to give his wife the divorce and he made her try for 1-2 years before he found out about her affairs. He told me several times that he wanted to marry me and have a life with me but then he actually tells me "sorry, but i didnt want my marriage to end - what about MY KIDS?" his kids? hey, what about the kids .... you certainly werent thinking about them when we were having great sex!!!

MM want it all - to keep the mrs and kids happy and to have a little sugar on the side. I believe they believe their fake love - I believe they just have affairs to get back at the wife in some sick way.

I am just crushed. 3 years of wasted I love you's. All along he keeping his family together and I allowed him to toss peanuts at me. I accepted crumbs for 3 years. What does this say about me?

Its amazing how women are married to me but really dont know them. I would like to think that if i ever get the chance to meet a man, that I would see where things go wrong and stop them before one of us strays.

I truly loved him - we were high school sweet hearts and I loved him back then.

I am a fool.

Your MM seems to want you more when you are not as available - he's into owning you, is that the same as loving you?

Thanks for responding to my post a page or 2 back.

What are you going to do? Take your time and think.

Remeber my MM (im not married and no kids and am free to go with him)had the chance to get the divorce - nothing contested and he wouldn't give it to her. Men always want what they cant have.