I'm new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm new here
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 8:55pm
I want to tell my story. I am married with 5 sons. The oldest will be 12 next month and the youngest is 8 months old. I have wanted out of my marriage for a very long time- years maybe. H is very self absorbed, twists everything that is said, very neglectful of his family, verbally/emotionally abusive. There were many reasons I didn't leave. I had no place to go and too much pride. I loved that we were a traditional family- something that is dying in this country and both of come from divorced parents (though mine didn't divorce until I was married and expecting son number 3). Not only that most of my aunts and uncles and my sister are all divorced and I just didn't want to be among them. Anyway, I told my friends I wanted out. But I was scared. 4 kids and one on the way. When the baby was 2 months old my mom offered to take all five boys so I could rest and H and I could do whatever. Well, H had to work Friday night (which was Halloween) so my friends invited me out with them. One couple (Jo and Ji) also invited Ji's aunt and uncle who just happened to be brother and sister and not husband and wife like so many people thought. Since I was having so many problems dancing Jo "gave" me to Ji's uncle to teach me. We danced all night. He was great. I left and thought it would all be forgotten. I'm just one of those people that's out of sight- out of mind, you know. Monday morning Jo said that Ji's uncle was so in love with me and he wanted to call me. Not good. I have a husband at home. So she gave me his number and left it up to me. Another friend told me that one phone call wouldn't hurt. So I called him. A week later H threw me out of the house- again- and I told him later that if I'd had a place to go the boys and I would have been gone. I saw OM about twice a month. He lives about 2 hours from me. Always in a group setting- not that we weren't given "opportunities". It only took a month for me to agree to take advantage of one of these "opportunities". I couldn't believe I was doing that after such a short time of knowing him. I had never done that before. Up until now H had no idea that OM existed. He was finally aware that we were having problems and was scared. At about 5a.m. after having sex with OM for the first time H chased me down and caught me taking him to Ji and Jo's. I was terrified. But H showed OM just how he treats me. OM was ready to defend me if needed but it wasn't. I explained OM away saying that I was just taking him home because Ji and Jo left him there. Well, they did. I just didn't say that they left him there because he was in the bedroom with me when they left. I also left out the part about him having ridden with me to the party in the first place. Then weeks later H had my cell phone when 2 messages came in from OM. He called me Sweet T in these messages. H suddenly wanted to see my email to see what else I was hiding. Nothing of course. He actually talked to him on the phone too. Asking what he wanted and all that. OM was honest in saying that he wanted more of a romantic relationship with me but denied the sex (for my sake). A lot was said. They talked again when dh took my phone away and OM, knowing I didn't have it, sent a message to it. H called him to tell him I didn't have the phone anymore. H claims to have talked to him one other time but I don't know when that was. Then H got activated. He's going to Iraq. I moved back in. OM distanced himself. He stopped calling me Sweet T. I moved back in because of money. It was costing too much to drive the boys back and forth. Then H offered to let me quit my job and send me to school and give me the money to pay off all our debts and all that. He kept going back and forth on that. Much of it being because he knew I was still talking to OM but I minimized the relationship. I still do. We see each other once a month now and there are no longer any pet names or terms of endearment or anything. So while Jo and the other refer to OM as my boyfriend, I simply call him my friend. We do still have sex when we can see each other but there is a lot of emotional distance because of the circumstances. For the sake of my boys I must stay with H because with the money and the opportunity he is giving me (which I have cemented by telling him that if he took it away there would be no letters or pictures because we would have so little he wouldn't want to hear about his boys going to bed hungry or see them wearing holey shoes while he had a stash of cash that would more than fix those problems). He leaves in a week- on my birthday. I hope to see more of OM but I need my older boys to not know what there really is between us. So, yes, I will still be hiding it. Still, I think the opportunities will be more. I must tell you what happened last weekend. I was at Ji's birthday party. H knew I was going. He also assumed that since OM is Ji's family that he would be there and he assumed correctly. I didn't deny it. That would have been stupid. And I made sure H knew I wouldn't neccessarily be home before dawn. I told him I could be home by midnight or it could be 5am. It all depended on how they partied. Honestly I had no intentions of being home before 5. Well at about 11 the last of those who were leaving left and those staying went to bed. OM and I were assigned our room. Well, we got into it and I was on top when my phone rang. I had it on because H said he would call if he could pick up the boys. I didn't expect him to call that late but I should have. So here I was with OM inside me while I was talking to H on the phone who was calling to explain why he couldn't pick up the boys and to ask when I was coming home. OM wasn't going to stop what he was doing. He told Jo, "It was my time, not his!" I made him though because the bed we were on was rickety and squeaky. He started to get upset because he thought I was leaving. He misunderstood what I told H about when I'd be home. We fell asleep when it was over and I left about 5:15am, getting home at 6 after picking up the boys and I didn't get in trouble with H. Actually in an attempt to prove I didn't have sex with OM, I had sex with H (after taking a shower and putting my panties in the washer so he couldn't see them- he was asleep and I was just getting ready for church). Then I slept til noon with him. It was a very weird feeling have OM inside me and H on the phone. I hope that never happens again. Does any of this sound familiar to any of you? Have you ever had any of this happen? I'm not good at affairs and it's especially hard when H knows about him and is so afraid of things. It's also hard when OM doesn't understand that I don't want to be with someone who is abusive. He forgets that it's all about the money and the kids. He doesn't know that I do still have sex with H now and then and now that his departure date is so close I'm just not going to hold back. Too much is at stake. It is very hard on me considering that emotionally I have nothing to give either one of them. My heart is an empty space thanks to H.

          Tina