I'm new here - please help!
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| Thu, 08-28-2003 - 12:42pm |
I'm new to this board and I could really use some help from people who are or have been in my situation! I don't know all the abbreviations yet though so please bear with me! :)
I should start with a bit of background info - I'm 24 and was married young (at 21) to my high school sweetheart, who I started dating when I was 15. He is a great guy and he treats me like a princess. I am still attracted to him and still love him very much, but I finished college earlier this year I started to realize I was missing out on the young college life, while my single friends would date around and party, I was married and had never experienced that kind of freedom. I started going out with my friends more and seeing H less and less. There was someone who always happened to be at the same places I was and we got to talking. He is very different from my H and I could see him as the fling type but not someone I would see myself having a future with. He is good looking (and I mean VERY good looking!), smart, ambitious, likes to go out and have a good time (H is more of a couch potato) but he is also a 'player'.
It started slow, we would dance when we were out together, then one time he drove me home (H was sleeping inside the house) and we kissed for the first time. Things progressed and we started sleeping together. I saw him again last night and today, more than any other time, I feel so horribly guilty. I'm sick and H has dropped everything to take care of me, he is and has always been there for me and treats me so well. I think it just hit me that this thing with OM is more than a 'see each other once in awhile' type of thing, I am now in a whole other relationship with someone else and it's getting harder and harder to live with what I'm doing to H.
I know I should stop seeing him, I tell myself that all the time, but when I see OM all of my willpower goes out the window and I get pulled into the same situation again. The guilt is literally eating away at me, I can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus. Every time I see H I feel like crying. I love him and hate myself because I know that I'm hurting him. But at the same time, I can't get enough of OM. When I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him constantly. I know that H is a better person than OM is. I've always had a habit of getting the nice guy and wanting the 'bad' guy, if that even makes sense.
I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I do not deserve the kind of love H gives me. He could have someone who is totally devoted to him as he is to me but I treat him like sh*t with the things I'm doing. If anyone could please help me come to grips with this your advice would be very, very much appreciated! Thank you in advance and I look forward to getting to know you all.

Let me first assure you that you *do* deserve your husband's love. Perhaps you feel that he doesn't deserve what you're doing to him, but we all deserve to have the whole-hearted attention of someone who loves us completely. So please don't think for a moment that you don't deserve this. By our nature as people, we deserve love.
Since you can already see that there is a past pattern that you're playing out (have the nice guy but want the bad boy), and since you already are aware that perhaps you married too young to the first person you probably ever were in love with and have missed out on some of the fun things your friends seem to be enjoying, I think you are a great candidate for a little counseling. You're showing that you have a level of self-awareness that can be expanded by counseling, which will help you *really* understand why you're doing and whether this is the path you want your life to take.
It must be very difficult to be the one on the sidelines while your friends are doing what normal 24yos do. But I am sure there are ways to bring some fun back into your life - maybe *with* your DH - other than this.
In the meantime, be assured that you are not alone, that you're not a horrible person, and that, yes, you do deserve to be loved by your husband.
Good luck.
I have bumped the welcome message to the top of the board and it has a few abbreviations to help you out.
Now! where can I start?? I think that maybe shouldi might have touched on this... but have you ever thought of counselling??? it is great to help you understand why you may do a lot of things... I actually learn't a lot about myself and why I act the way I do in certain situations... it maybe something to think about.
I can understand a bit about how you feel in regards to your friends... I've been with DH since I was 18... I was working full time from the time I was 15 and never really did have a big party life. So when I began changing jobs and meeting single friends that went out I felt a little left out... however... DH has always been great in that respect and has always let me go out with friends. I never felt the need to 'pick up' knowing that I had DH to go home to... unlike most of my friends who went home alone.
My EMA reasons go far beyond that... but I'm not going to go into that now. I think you really need to decide if your marriage is worth the risk of the OM... as no matter how hard you try... there is always the risk. I know it's hard to walk away... I won't do it... but then I have also learnt to deal with the guilt regarding my marriage and be able to work on both... it's certainly not an easy thing to do.
Again... I would certainly consider the counselling for yourself and maybe even your marriage... something led you down that road... maybe you need to find that.
I wish you all the best and please do keep us updated... remember whatever way you decide to you... we are always here.
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My