I'm pretty sure I'm done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
I'm pretty sure I'm done.
7
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 11:59pm

When I started this A a few months ago I was simply looking for a PA. Well, in reality, I had no intentions of having an affair, it just kind of happened to become that. AP and I just really connected really well, exchanged numbers and completely hit it off. He wanted the physical side in the first two weeks or so. I was extremely hesitant. After a while I gave in and he had changed his mind. I think it was more of him going for the chase. Once he had the chase he was all talk. We did kiss about a month into it, but that was it. We've continued contact but it is just so boring anymore. I told him that it just wasn't fun anymore and that I saw this more of a friendship than anything else.

We haven't seen each other for over a month, and won't see each other for another 2 months. I'm not quite sure what will happen when we do see each other, but for now, I'm just done. The fun of it all was the anticipating and the rush I got when things were suppsoed to happen. He's pussyfooting around and is so hesitant because of the guilt. Sure I have guilt, but nothing like he does. I'm just so over it. It was becoming more work to deal with it than it was fun.

I'm also trying to fix my marriage. H and I have talked and I have told him what we needed to change and I've been attempting to take the dirty texting from AP and do it more with H but H is just so dense about it. With AP I could say something and he would automatically turn it dirty. With H it's like I get a one word answer and I have to fish to talk to him. It drives me bonkers. I've tried hinting to H, tried telling him exactly what I need/want, but he still seems so oblivious. I am going to suggest we go to counseling when I get back from my work trip to see if we can hash things out. I really want things to work with H, but I need him more in a sexual way than he has to offer right now. That needs to be fixed.

I don't think I ever want to be in this situation again, an A. But I'm finding myself already thinking about what is going to happen in the fall when I see (x)AP. We have said we will stay friends, and I have talked to him since, but I'm not sure how to handle this when we do see each other and work with each other. We will be spending about 8 hours a week together for 3 months. I'm also thinking about others - what is wrong with me?

I guess if H was giving me that aspect of things, the newness, the adventure, the fun. It would be much easier to push this out of my mind (wanting it elsewhere), but the more I express those things to H the more he says well I thought I was doing better. I guess I'm not sure how to go about it with H that is making me hesitant on doing so, which is causing me to want to seek some fun elsewhere. OY - what a ssilly circle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 12:10pm

Hi confused-


I post on EAS, but your story really stuck out to me & I don't know if I'm allowed to write here buuuuuttt...


Your story is opposite in mine in that mine started out in the friendship phase, then turned physical. I tell you that just to say that you can thank your lucky stars that your heart isn't involved yet. I would encourage you to go over there and read a few stories before you meet up with your AP again, and realize that when you do get together again, you may very well begin to

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 12:24pm

((HUGS)) Have no advice, but I also had to tell you that my H is also DENSE in the texting dept. :) What's up with that???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 2:42pm

Thank you so much for your perspective. I'm really trying with H. AP and I have a project we signed up for together that puts us together 4 hours a day a few times a week in the fall, so there is no avoiding him on those days.

I wish H was much more "exciting" in that that way, but I'm not quite sure how to get him there. H was much like AP was when we got married, but things have changed drastically. It's quite irritating.

With AP, while I do care about him, as I said he has become a great friend, he isn't someone I would ever love. He's fun to be around, he's good at what he does, we have a similar personality but I would never want to be with him long term. I have simply used him for the fun, he has done the same. I am not a very emotional person, I have a tendency to shut down like that. It's like if I show my emotions, or allow myself to fall for him, I'm weak. He would win, he would defeat me. I won't allow that. I would rather have the upper hand. The thing with AP is I don't want him for a relationship, I don't want to be with him, don't want to spend a lot of time with him. I simply want to use him (gosh that sounds awful). I'm not getting what I want - so I'm out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 5:58pm

Simplie, how does your H react when you try to tell him exactly how you would like him to answer your texts? Maybe your texts aren't clear enough for him? Your AP turned anything dirty so it didn't need to be clear or direct. Maybe with your H you have to actually make the text dirty, not just suggestive? LOL! Of course, then, some guys (and lovable ones at that) just aren't geared for sexting. Is there anything else that's new and exciting that you could do with H that would fulfill that hunger you have for adventure? How about some sex counseling? If you talk about this with a sex counselor, I'm sure they could help both of you think of things that would fulfill that for you.

I think it's great that you've kind of "lost interest" at this point. Feelinlousy is correct that once feelings are involved it gets a lot more complicated and a lot harder.

And remember, there ARE other ways to fulfill a need for adventure. New classes, trips, new friends, a whole host of things. Think about some other ways you could do that. Like to act - try an acting class, could lead to a part in a local production! Dance classes? Whatever draws your interest!

Make your life an adventure, if that's what you like. Doesn't have to be through an A. :-)

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 6:03pm
Feelinlousy, there are just a couple of "rules" for posting here. One has to be in or have been in or is thinking about being in an affair (you qualify), and one should be respectful and supportive in their posts (you also qualify). I don't care if you post on EAS. We have no rules against or rivalry with EAS. Nice to meet you!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 9:41pm
H will text with me all the time. It's usually more mundane things. Like wanna go for lunch, what are you doing, know what time you'll be home, kid 1 did this, kid 2 did that, can you get the kids, etc, etc. When I send a dirty text, which I have, he just lol's at me. It's like hellllllllloooooo can't you figure out that I want one back. I don't understand why he can't just do it back. Once in a while he will, so I know he knows how. He just doesn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 9:53pm

He seems receptive to things when I tell him, but I don't know whether he forgets or it goes in one ear & out the other. Ummm, yeah, a good portion of my texts are quite clear with H. AP turns anything I send dirty and ends it with a smiley. H on the other hand replies with an lol, geez, or why are you sending that?

I have told H a million times we need new fun adventure in our sex life. It isn't so much my regular everyday life, it's the bedroom life. I can tell you to a T what will happen when we have sex. I want fun, I want adventure. I tell him this, but nothing ever seems to change. I tell H all the time I want to do this or do that and he either says ok, then we never do it, or he looks at me like I have a second head. I'm not asking for off the wall stuff either. Just some variety, something to make me anticipate it so I'm really worked up when it comes time to do it. Things like that.

I know I can find adventure in other areas of my life, but I'm completely content with the rest of my life. It's just this area, the sex, that is driving me mad.