I'm pulling away

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
I'm pulling away
8
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 2:36pm
I got tired of all last week calling and being all nice to MM, he was always the first one to call me in the morning, and after that when i call he's always so busy and he's distant. Normally we would talk on email all day and he would call me about 3 to 4 times a day for no reason. But that has stopped for the last two weeks now, and i miss that. I decided to call him on Friday he couldn't talk because his boss was standing right there with him. He didn't call me back not even to wish me a good week-end. So today i waited and finally he called half an hour ago, but i wasn't available so he left a message. He said he would call back when he has a chance later. I decided not to call him until he does. Should i wait? Is pulling away a good idea to bring them back? Does it work? What do you think? One more question, if he says he has feelings for me, what do you think it generally means?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 2:50pm
I've played that game before and, yes, it worked for me. But only for a limited time. I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you that pulling away serves more purposes than just making it seem like he has to chase you a little. It also serves the more important purpose of letting you get on with your life. Sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring, can be very frustrating, believe me. If you keep yourself busy it helps you retain your sanity! I've posted this before, but a lot of men just need some time to digest things. He needs to go away from you a little to appreciate you more. There's nothing you can do if he's going through one of those phases but just let him go through it. He'll come back eventually, in his own time. Might be a week, might be a couple of weeks, might just be a day! When I say "come back," I don't mean he's not going to speak to you during that time, just that he'll probably be emotionally distant. Things might be cooled down for a while. Or it could be something completely different. Maybe he started to realize his work was suffering and people might be or ARE starting to notice. In that case, he may be paying more attention to what those around him are doing than what you're doing and it could seem like he's neglecting you. Like they've said on here, men aren't good at multi-tasking and when they get busy, they tend to only be able to focus on that one thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 4:49pm
I don't know if pulling away is a good way to make them come back but it defintely protects your heart from further damage. If there is too much hurt feelings on your side and no acknowledgemant from him that your feelings have been hurt, you have a problem. Its like sweeping away your problem under the carpet. Believe me, all those feelings that have been swept aside will come back again to haunt you again and again unless it is has been addressed/acknowledged/whatever.

I have been reading all of your posts and looks like your OM has lost interest in your realtionship. Why would anybody ignore you like that, if they did not want to be involved in the first place? Even if he was busy and calling you was impossible, his would make amends in some other way if your R meant something to him. Priority lists are not for ppl but for ACTION items that SHOW the other person that they mean something. YOU don't have be a priority but your relationship has to be if it has to survive. My 2 cents....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 7:32pm
luizinha,

sounds so real, as in my life. I agree you need to try to make yourself not so available which is so so so hard, but i have found 2 steps back brings him one step forward. I am not the type to play games, but when you want something you have to be smart on how to get it. I wouldn't pull back too much, just enough to make him want you more....goodluck

ol
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 8:48pm
It's been so hard, i miss him so much. I waited for him to call me back, until before i left to go home, but he didn't. I usually call him on my cell as i drive home, but i was strong enough not to do it. It's really hard to sustain yourself. This feels like a game. I want him to think about me, and want me. And i know if i call him to much i feel foolish and needy, and i just try to not be that way. I know he's wondering about me, and for sure he will call tomorrow. I'm just not sure how to react to him, and what to say...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 8:54am
I know how you feel. As for how to act when he calls, that's a tough one. You could try being friendly but protected. The problem I've had with that is MM catches on that something's wrong and starts questioning me on it. So if he does question you, you need to be prepared with an answer. That was my big mistake a while back when I was trying this -- I was all prepared to be one way, but it didn't go at all like I thought and he figured out I was playing games. Not good! I'm going through my own crisis of conscience right now and I think I'm going to tell him I'm feeling used and cheap. It's not a game, that's the truth. I think the thing we have to understand in this is that we can't control their behavior. We can't make them into the men we want them to be; we can't even return them to the men they were a week or two or month or two ago. All we can do is accept what they're giving us and if we can't accept it, get out. There's nothing wrong with refusing to always be at his beck and call, but be aware that it could backfire. If you back away too much, it's possible you've got a man who won't chase after you. But you have to ask yourself, do you really want someone who isn't willing to fight for you? If he's that easy to shake, maybe he's not worth it. A while back when I was in your same situation, I wrote out some ground rules to help myself stay strong. (Most of the list were descriptions of MM's flaws, of which there are MANY!) One of the top things on the list was this: "It is far better to have lost him and retained my dignity than to have begged and barely kept him."
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 9:11am
Hi Luiz. You should try and wait, let him get ahold of you. I don't know if you saw my posts, I just went thru 7 weeks of hell with NC from MM. Finally yesterday he got me and apologized for it. Its really hard to live thru, that's for sure!! You just have to hope that if he cares for you, he will get in contact with you when things settle down. I was determined not to contact him and wait for him to make the move, and thank god, he did. I think I'm going to be happier now that he's back in my life again. Best of luck and wishes to you.

hugs, Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 9:35am
I have gone through this pulling back thing many times. Usually I don't get an explanation other than I have been busy. But that was never an issue before. But, I take a couple of steps back, for my heart sake, and that usually works. But we went thorough this over the last month. This week has been better so far, but still not as it use to be. We don't get the together time we use to. Some of it is due to circumstances I am sure of. But I do agree with one of the other posters. I would rather let go and have my dignity than beg him. I will NOT do that. We have been at this too long for that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 10:13am