I'm Scared!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
I'm Scared!!
6
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:43pm
Okay, here's the story.

Saturday I finally got enough guts to tell H that I wanted a seperation (hold your applauses), after crying and pouting, etc. he finally agreed. I would keep the house. He said to give him a week or so to find somewhere to go.

Well, woke up on Mother's Day and felt so guilty for asking him this, I think I'm confusing pity for love here, so I told him forget what I said, you can stay. At the time, I thought that's what I should do but now I regret it. I guess I just don't like that guilty feeling and seeing him cry, etc.

Well, I've been in this A for almost 6 months now and I'm in love with OM. Well on Sat, H asked me if I was in an A and I said no and looked him straight in the face. He said, if I find out you are, I will kill you and him both. I said to him " did I kill you and your mistress 3 years ago?" He stayed quite.

Anyway, I get a call last night that my ex boyfriend killed his wife. A friend who knows his aunt called me to tell me that. Said because he found her with someone else. I'm so scared that H would do that if my A was found out, but I'm not willing to give OM up. What to do or is this something he says although he won't actually do it.

I'm in a bind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 6:01pm
Two thoughts.

#1: People often threaten things, especially violence, because they feel out of control. They threaten because they believe that if their threat is taken seriously, they will get control back because the other person will be paralyzed by fear. And it works.

#2: Sometimes people are insane and a threat is a very real warning. There simply is no way of knowing the sincerity of your H's remarks. If he is not given to violence in the past that doesn't mean that discovery of an A wouldn't drive him to it. Sane people snap over less than this. So yes, I'd take it seriously.

Finding out isn't the same as walking in on your W in bed with someone. It's not the same emotionally, and to be quite frank, it isn't even the same in criminal court. In the right context he might not even get charged with murder.

At any rate, I'd cool it until you manage to move out or move him out. Moreover, if he has shown a history of violence towards you I'd go now, today, tonight. Do not fool around with your safety.

Just my two cents.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 6:07pm
I absolutely agree with Rain.

Please be safe, first and foremost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:26am
Thank you both Summer and Rain. For your inputs. I think I am going to cool it for a while. I'd hate my children to be without parents in something that tragic.

It's just not worth it. Although it is hard to do but I'll try to keep busy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 2:25pm
Comments could just be steam blowing off. My H has said that before - and has even mentioned 'putting a bullet in his head' if I ever left him. Alot of that has to do with his emotional issues (and he is working those), but alot of it was just mad and anger and speaking without being able to control his feelings and comments. I honestly do believe that my H could never do that. Maybe he would feel like he wanted to, but I don't think he would go through with that.

Just because your ex did that doesn't mean that this one will. You need to look into his heart to see what kind of man he is. Does he spit out cuss words and name calling during a fight, but later just act like nothing has happened? Is he quick to throw blame and get angry, but then calm down? That is my H - which is why I think that emotions may be high, but I never see him doing anything that physically damaging.

Just be careful, and make sure to really look at your H..don't compare him to exs or to other men you may hear about on this board necessarily. He is his own individual, and you need to be certain to see that in this situation before judging and getting scared when you may not need to be.

Good luck in the separation - its tough, but it is calming and peaceful all at the same time. I've been going strong for 34 days since I actually walked out of my house to another place to stay. Stay strong and true to your heart girl ;-) FMH6

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:29pm
Okay, I feel the need to comment here. I will agree that it is possible your H won't actually kill you if he finds out you are having an A. However, just the fact that he would say it is disturbing enough to me. Even threatening to kill someone you love shows questionable emotional stability at best. I can honestly say I wouldn't spend another moment living with someone who threatened me regardless of the circumstances. My advice would be to somehow find a way to tell him to start packing again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 10:52am
Omaha,

I don't think H would actually kill me but I've been told not to underestimate a person. And H has had violent acts with me in the past. That's why I'm so scared.

I'm still hanging in there because I truly think he wants to change and for the love he says he has for me and our children, I believe he can change. I'm giving him another chance but I'm as well trying to back away from the A, slowly. Although it is so hard to do.

Many people tell me to get out but it's easier said than done and I've experienced that several times in the last few months.

I just don't know what to do or what's right. I'm so comfortable at home that I hate to disturb the peace that's there now. And I hope it'll stay that way. H is acting very much better, except for that comment.

Why does life have to be so confusing? I wish it was simpler.

Omaha, thanks so much for your words. I thank everyone for all they have to say to me in these hard times.