I'm so confused - pls help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
I'm so confused - pls help!
5
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:55pm
MM emailed me today and said "I think I'm going to come and see you at lunch today.". He called me later and we set up the time and place. For him to come to me, means he needs to drive to dwntown, which is 20 miles away from where he works, pay for parking,etc. We ate- he paid. He then drove me back to my building and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and said thanks for lunch. He eluded in the restaurant that I should not go back to work, but I couldn't. Again, it may sound small and petty this whole lunch thing- but he went out of his way to do this. After he left me he was going to his daughter's (and my son's) school to drop off her project. The school is about 10 mins from his work and it's on his way home. So he drove 20 miles in the opposite direction to have lunch with me. Then 20 miles back to the school. I take this as a good sign.

So folks in conclusion- I told my MM how, I felt, put it all out on the line ( did not use the "L" word however) and he still wanted to see me. Again, I hope he does not feel sorry for me because I am sick. We did not talk about that at all and I'm glad. And one other note- I was out of town for work yesterday and he sent me an email. I asked him today about one of his comments in the email and he said... " I said that because I wanted to make you laugh..." I told him I did. I think that's another good sign...

My gosh- I think I love this man. Makes it hard to work on my marriage when I am doing this stuff but I will not give MM up; at least not yet...

The school girl in me makes me think he likes me.... Heee Hawwww!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:06pm
hi v. is this the same guy that you were trying to get with, but he wasn't showing any interest? if it is, i'd say you've gotten his attention. but even though he drove 40 miles roundtrip to have lunch with you doesn't mean he wants to have a full-on A with you. i mean, he only kissed you on the cheek.

you should enjoy the time and conversations/emails you have with MM. you're still overthinking every slight sign from this man. i think he enjoys your obvious attentiveness to him, but he's not going to be more than a friend to you.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 6:48pm
IML-

This is my MM that I have been seeing for about 6-7 weeks now. We have gotten together almost on a weekly basis now. We have not had IC, only a little kissing and hugging. i feel there is an unspoken bond between us. Not quite sure what it is- but you may be right- this thing may never turn into a full blown A, but I think on an emotional level it is to a point.

I would love to hear what others think? Bad K, Bos, Rain, Red... comments???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 7:18pm
hmm... okay, I wasn't going to stick my nose in again, because to be honest, I don't like dispensing negativity. I don't like it from other people, so I don't give it. But since you listed my name... LOL. I'll try to be kind... I'll be as pointed as I can be, so forgive my directness and unpoetic candor.

My concern is that you aren't very far along in this A and already you're talking about love. You closed your note with "schoolgirlish glee." And while it's terrific that someone makes you feel so enraptured (we all get that on some level from our A or we wouldn't bother) I would try to be less anxious to get caught up in this.

One lunch and a quick kiss does not an affair make. A 20 minute drive into the city for lunch is not risky and not an indicator of much beyond he enjoys your company (which is still a nice thing to know.)Six or seven weeks... this is still infatuation, even for a regular relationship. Either of you could cool considerably when it's time to start doing the math to figure out how to get naked...



I wonder if it isn't easier for you to get caught up in the thrill of being wanted by someone new instead of working on your M. You say it's hard to work on your M right now and you don't want to give up your MM, at least not yet.

What actions have taken place so far? Casual kisses and conversation, mostly. There has been little sneaking around, no real intimacy or sex, and so far it's just "ego buzz" at convenient times for both of you. And that might be enough. I'm just concerned because you're already talking about loving someone.

Have you really work on your M yet? I can't recall if you've done counseling or your H has or if you're just generally not happy, and for that I'm sorry -- it's just slipped my mind. You don't sound like you've decided yet if you are going to work on the M or have an A and ignore the M. And to a large extent you havent expressed concerns about the real mechanics and roller coaster nature of an A, only about how great it is to feel attention from this man.

The gist of it is this: if you want to pursue an A, be aware that if this doesn't work out you may be even more miserable than you are now, making it still harder to work on your M. And my gut reaction, based on your posts here and your seemingly impulsive, expressive nature, makes me worry that you will end up in a situation you aren't happy with... and a few of your comments make me concerned that your very hard push towards this A could end up leading to additional self destructive behavior before you consider all the consequences and angles.

Sorry to be negative and doom and gloom. And again, I could be full of crap; this is a message board, I don't really know you well enough to make these sweeping statements.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 9:03am
Hi vles,

Proceed with caution.

I am in agreement with Rain. Although it is very difficult to do at this point, please let your head do the thinking, not your heart.

Believe me, I do know how wonderful the attention from a man other than your H can be, but you have to be prepared for the heartache that can stem from this type of R.

You are already confused, it's early in the game, and you have been right from the get go, from what you have posted (and as most of us are).

Many here may not agree with what I'm going to say, but, as much as I love xMM, and as much I enjoyed our time together, I will NEVER EVER put myself in this type of situation again - it just hurts too damn much. I have hurt myself, I have hurt my H, I have damaged my M, I have damaged xMM's M, and indirectly I have hurt my kids (I'm sure they feel something is going on at home).

So, as much as you may not want to hear my comments today, that is what I'm thinking. My thoughts are with you and I am here for support in whatever decision you make.

(((((vles))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 3:22am
Red-

I wish I could turn off emotions for MM. However, it is not that easy, as you know. I believe that he and I will be nothing more than friends. I would like it to evolve further but we have been on six 'dates' and email all the time. I just don't see it being taken to the next level. I think he enjoys my company and I his. Seems the more we get together, the more we talk as we have been friends forever. Even the racy emails have settled down to some normal conversation. That's why I think this will not go any further than what it is. But I must say again, that I spilled my guts to him and he did not go running (at least not yet!).

I feel caught up in all of this.