I'm so scared.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
I'm so scared.....
7
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:16am
I'll try to make this as short as possible. Started having an affair last July with a friend. We both were in terrible marriages. I knew once my marriage was bad enough that I would resort to an affair that it was time to leave. So I did. I didn't leave for another man even though there was one. OM has always claimed that he was leaving his wife from the beginning. Now that is happening. I should be SO happy that he is getting a divorce but I am not. I'm afraid that he is going to tell me that he wants to see other people once he is divorced. I came right ou and asked him and he said he doesn't know how he is going to feel in the future. He said knowone knows how they will feel. I wanted to die.

What should I do? Should I stick with it and see? I love him so much that I'm afraid he's going to break my heart. We have been so close for the past 9 months that I can't imagine him not being in my life. Am I kidding myself?

Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:21am
Hi secret....welcome to the board.

cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:25am
hi secret. calm down gurl! both you and MM have been in long, unhappy marriages and sort of used each other in the A to feel something else, attention, attraction, whatever. and you fell in love. he fell in heavy like. sometimes you just have to realize that what will happen, will happen. you only have control of your life. yes, you may get hurt because MM may want to date others, but then again, he may not. right now his entire life is changing and he's probably not sure if he wants to jump right into another intense R, even with you.

can you just let this new phase of your R with MM develop for awhile and see how it goes? keep yourself busy and do whatever makes you happy - walking, reading, dancing, shopping, whatever! don't sit around thinking about the "what ifs" and driving yourself crazy. once MM is actually separated, invite him over for dinner. actually date him. and if he doesn't want exclusivity with you, then go out with friends, have a date or two with other guys (and don't feel weird, it's not marriage, just a date) and if you two are meant to be together, you will be.

relax a bit and try not to drown in the unknown. stay strong and keep your chin up honey.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:25am

Secret, If you truly care about this man you will stay even through the unknowns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:27am
Thanks. I know you are right. I want to be there for him. It's just so scarry. He has always been there for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:38am
Life, Thanks. I do want to keep my chin up. The one thing about this whole mess is that we are "dating". I'm divorced and his marriage has been over for a while. His wife is dating also. We go out in public. So my problem is that I already feel like this is a relationship. We see eachother almost everyday. I feel fater 9 months that he should know what he wants to do in a month from now. But that's not the case. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 11:49am
Secretpal, I know exacctly what you are feeling. I am too in the same boat as you are in. I am D'ing soon and MM has just left his M (for his own reasons). I am scared too. I don't know if MM will want to date and be with other women. He is a big flirt, so I am sure there is going to some hard times ahead. Sometimes I am not sure if we will be an item. I try to keep perpective and think - it will not be all that bad if we wer to end this A. I have gone into this A with my eyes opened from day one. I am going to live for the moment and if it ends I will be happy that my A happened than it ended. I would always be greatful for his being a part of my life, ever. That is never in doubt. I will pick up the pieces and carry on. I definitely won't hang on and do the Glenn Close thing from Fatal Attraction, like somebody said in their post before. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 12:00pm
well, that's a bit different secret. what's your gut telling you, honey? do you feel OM is withdrawing from you? what's really scaring you, the fact that OM won't make a commitment or just "a feeling"?? if you're dating and he's still not sure about a future together, i'd be just a little pissed off.

just my opinion, but you're gonna have to take control of your life very soon and tell OM to get off the fence and make a decision one way or the other. and soon..... he's not playing fair, keeping you on the hook knowing you're in love with him, and not being open and honest with you.

you just may have to get more assertive to find out what's really going on in his head.

again, be strong and take care of YOU!!

life