I'm still lost and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
I'm still lost and confused
6
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 4:54pm

Like many of you, I've been unable to access or post to the boards so this is the same person as sunrise33, just added an extra 3 and registered again, so that I can post.

My story is below, but I can't find it to link to it (sorry)! 

My AP told me a few weeks ago that we had to go NC except for work for a year so that I could figure out who I was and where I am and either stay with my H or get out and be single.  Since then we were OK with the boundary for a while, but the last week has been a disaster - I'm emailing him photos of me in formal attire from the bathroom when out for formal dinners with my H, and sending him pictures of my shoes (I went shoe shopping and got some new ones) and our emails are gravitating back to how they were before he set the boundaries - very intimate (not sexual, just about deep subjects like feelings and hopes and dreams and religion).  They're the kind of thing that I know my H would be upset about if he saw, which tells me that they're not benign.

I orchastrated a few meetings that needed to happen, but gave AP a ride so we could be together longer or made them on a day off so that we'd have to see each other.  I even left my H and kids to go to the museum themselves so that I could meet with AP - all under the guise of work.  Yesterday we met again, and although we knew better, we ended up going for lunch together, and strayed into conversations about feelings - his, mine, ours.

I can't seem to go NC, and although I know it takes 2 to tango, I am half of the problem of keeping that boundary.  AP told me he feels like he's seeing someone - but isn't really.  Because I'm not available.  And I know it's hurting him, and I don't want to hurt him. 

I don't know how to continue.  My therapist told me (wisely) to remember why I fell in love with H and what it is about him that I liked, and to watch him; watch him being a dad, being a husband, being a participant, and be present in the moment.  I know I should, and that I should do it for my marriage.  I can't logistically imagine how my marriage would dissolve - how do you split up a house, kids?  I can't imagine telling my family, my co-workers and the few friends I have.

My H is well revered for being such a good husband and father. He does everything for me, even makes hair appointments when I can't find the time.  He took me shoe shopping and convinced me that I should get the red shoes (I'm always sticking to plain black) and works so hard to make me happy.  He takes care of me when I'm exhausted and just need to sit on the couch and veg, bringing me water and snacks.  I read the other stories on this board and the boards about relationship problems and we don't have them - no mismatched libidos, no fighting, none. 

I just have this need to see and talk to AP that I can't escape.

Professionally I'm on top of the world right now - winning awards, becoming president of associations, successful in my work - glowing accolades all around.  It's such a juxtaposition to my home life and my emotions I'm having a hard time.  I'm happy all day (I love my job) and then by 6pm I'm a miserable shrew yelling at my kids and being lazy on the couch because I just don't have the energy.  I dread going home.

I hope you guys can fight through this board change format and respond, I'm looking for someone to talk to.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:40pm

  Hi I think I see an issue:

"My H is well revered for being such a good husband and father. He does everything for me, even makes hair appointments when I can't find the time.  He took me shoe shopping and convinced me that I should get the red shoes (I'm always sticking to plain black) and works so hard to make me happy.  He takes care of me when I'm exhausted and just need to sit on the couch and veg, bringing me water and snacks.  I read the other stories on this board and the boards about relationship problems and we don't have them - no mismatched libidos, no fighting, none. "

  There it is.  This is part of the problem. It is not unusual for people in the game to enjoy the game so much that the H(or W) becomes a loyal servant.  That is the role they in a way have chosen for themselves.  This observation explains why "home" is where you are unhappy.

     Observed for out side it may seem to be such a good thing but when one's spirit is not engaged it can be a golden cage.  Any cage is an anathema, even a golden one.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 9:44am

 There it is.  This is part of the problem. It is not unusual for people in the game to enjoy the game so much that the H(or W) becomes a loyal servant.  That is the role they in a way have chosen for themselves.

I don't know what you mean by this, can you explain more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2012
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 10:59am

Sunrise,

I've wanted to respond to this for days, but couldn't find the time to be on the PC. I am having a little trouble following the story, but I think I get the gist of it. 

You said, " I can't logistically imagine how my marriage would dissolve - how do you split up a house, kids? I can't imagine telling my family, my co-workers and the few friends I have."
I can relate to that. I don't know how that works either. I guess that is one of the reasons I stay.  Probably you too. It sounds as if, unless I'm reading it wrong, that you have thought of leaving your H for AP, and you aren't sure. Is the reason the boundary is there because AP expects you to leave in order to be with him? That's the part I wasn't sure about in your story.  Are you supposed to be cutting it off from AP, and just can't stop?  The part about going to NC for a year, that's assuming a separation from your H, or a divorce? 

I don't know the whole picture, but my advice would be one of two things. Take a retreat for yourself, out of town, without AP or H or family. Go somewhere peaceful where you can think, write, disconnect from technology (except maybe music and a Kindle, LOL), figure out what you want. Make pro and con lists, whatever helps you decide. Until you do that, you won't be able to figure it out with AP, H, family, work going on around you, you know?

The other advice, if you can't do the above, would be to let AP go.  If you want another A someday, maybe you can find someone that fits into your life without leaving H? You mentioned in another post that you want the stability of the M.  If that is what you want, and you still want something exciting on the side, maybe find an AP you aren't in love with?  I know that's sooooo much easier said than done. But it sounds like you are at an impasse with AP. It's either dive into a real R with him or let him go. I could be reading this wrong, and if so I apologize, but that's what I think is going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 9:41am

It was AP that wanted NC for a year.  He wanted me to be free and clear of my H for a while before he made any attempt at a relationship because he didn't want to be a home-wrecker.

I could never get away like that.  My H takes vacation, whatever, to be with me, and he'd be terribly suspicious (even if nothing happened and AP was not even close) to do that.  It's simply not possible.  And you're right, I can't think about things with H and work and everything else.  This past weekend I travelled and H came with me (left the kids) and it was so awkward and strained - not the typical weekend break it should have been.  I was annoyed at every little thing he did and couldn't seem to get past them.  And I spent the whole time emailing AP photos (of where I was, of me, etc) and he emailed me photos back.  I'd email AP when H was in the shower, or out of the room for even a few minutes, and while I was in meetings. 

Logically I agree with you, it's not fair to AP to hold him in this semi-relationship where he's not free to persue it, and I'm not making any moves to leave, but I can't stop talking to him, he's like an addiction.  And I know it's hurting him, and ... I'm worried that I'm not only screwing up my friendship with him, which is very important to me, but also any possible future, if I ever did leave H. 

I tried making a pro/con list, but I could only write the cons to leaving H, and no pros to stay, and no pros/cons to being with AP - I haven't let myself think about what a day-to-day life with AP would be like, he's so different than H.  And is my happiness or satisfaction worth the pain of breaking up my family and hurting my kids?  Right now I don't think so.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 3:44pm

The sweet siren call of an affair is hard to walk away from, But if you're not prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice to be with your AP, for whatever reason, you need to cut him loose.  It's not fair to him to keep stringing him along.  NC is therefore essential.

As for your marriage, it sounds like your husband does too much and maybe you've settled into marital boredom.

I urge you to find a really good therapist who can help you sort through all of this and get to a healthier place in your life.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 9:51am

Thank you for your comments.  I'm working with a therapist, and have been for over a year to find out why I was/am so unhappy at home.  I am happy at work, but within half an hour of getting home I'm a horrible, yelling, grumpy person which is awful to my kids and my H.

You're right about the sweet siren song - and I've been terrible at keeping his NC contact request, but it's so hard when he writes back!