I'm still lost and confused
Find a Conversation
|Tue, 10-30-2012 - 4:54pm|
Like many of you, I've been unable to access or post to the boards so this is the same person as sunrise33, just added an extra 3 and registered again, so that I can post.
My story is below, but I can't find it to link to it (sorry)!
My AP told me a few weeks ago that we had to go NC except for work for a year so that I could figure out who I was and where I am and either stay with my H or get out and be single. Since then we were OK with the boundary for a while, but the last week has been a disaster - I'm emailing him photos of me in formal attire from the bathroom when out for formal dinners with my H, and sending him pictures of my shoes (I went shoe shopping and got some new ones) and our emails are gravitating back to how they were before he set the boundaries - very intimate (not sexual, just about deep subjects like feelings and hopes and dreams and religion). They're the kind of thing that I know my H would be upset about if he saw, which tells me that they're not benign.
I orchastrated a few meetings that needed to happen, but gave AP a ride so we could be together longer or made them on a day off so that we'd have to see each other. I even left my H and kids to go to the museum themselves so that I could meet with AP - all under the guise of work. Yesterday we met again, and although we knew better, we ended up going for lunch together, and strayed into conversations about feelings - his, mine, ours.
I can't seem to go NC, and although I know it takes 2 to tango, I am half of the problem of keeping that boundary. AP told me he feels like he's seeing someone - but isn't really. Because I'm not available. And I know it's hurting him, and I don't want to hurt him.
I don't know how to continue. My therapist told me (wisely) to remember why I fell in love with H and what it is about him that I liked, and to watch him; watch him being a dad, being a husband, being a participant, and be present in the moment. I know I should, and that I should do it for my marriage. I can't logistically imagine how my marriage would dissolve - how do you split up a house, kids? I can't imagine telling my family, my co-workers and the few friends I have.
My H is well revered for being such a good husband and father. He does everything for me, even makes hair appointments when I can't find the time. He took me shoe shopping and convinced me that I should get the red shoes (I'm always sticking to plain black) and works so hard to make me happy. He takes care of me when I'm exhausted and just need to sit on the couch and veg, bringing me water and snacks. I read the other stories on this board and the boards about relationship problems and we don't have them - no mismatched libidos, no fighting, none.
I just have this need to see and talk to AP that I can't escape.
Professionally I'm on top of the world right now - winning awards, becoming president of associations, successful in my work - glowing accolades all around. It's such a juxtaposition to my home life and my emotions I'm having a hard time. I'm happy all day (I love my job) and then by 6pm I'm a miserable shrew yelling at my kids and being lazy on the couch because I just don't have the energy. I dread going home.
I hope you guys can fight through this board change format and respond, I'm looking for someone to talk to.